Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an Indian. He immediately turns to him and makes his move.

"You know," says the American, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and says to the American guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the Indian. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and
the horse produces muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"

The American guy is dumbfounded.

Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh it?"

2006-11-21 19:22:23 · 20 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform.

No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

2006-11-21 19:15:06 · 19 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

2006-11-21 19:14:10 · 12 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

when my vessel travels, the ocean becomes calm and still. what am I?

2006-11-21 19:13:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

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Grow up we all know santa doesnt exist

2006-11-21 19:12:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walks into a Ferrari dealership. She browses around, then
spots the car of her dreams and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes her.

Extremely embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone
has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up
right now.

But, as she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.
"Good day, Madam, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle? He answers, "Madam, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you
farted just touching it, you're going to shi t yourself when you hear the
price."

2006-11-21 19:06:55 · 21 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

that starts with SU bt pronounced as SHU?

2006-11-21 19:04:29 · 9 answers · asked by pit_bulldog 3

...three consecutive pairs of letters.

2006-11-21 18:54:00 · 8 answers · asked by PD 3

bartender generously.
- Wow! U R rich.
-Yeah, because I always win bets. I bet U on the NBA game on TV now. $50 the guy will miss that penalty shot.
The bartender laughed.
- U kidding? That's M. Jordan. OK.
Michael missed the shot and the man pocketed the money.
- Another $50? The man challenged on the next shot.
Hoping to get even, the bartender agreed. Michael missed and the bartender saw his $100 gone.
With $100, the man bought a bottle of Jack and went into the room with friends and they started drinking. A while later, the man came back out staggering drunk.
- Hey. Want a chance to win your money back?
- Sure! What's up?
- I bet $200 I can stand on the bar and pee into the bottle on the in the corner there.
- OK
The patron climbed on the bar, unzipped and peed all over, naturally missing the bottle.
The bartender screamed.
- I won. I won. Give me my money.
The man smiled.
- You have no idea how much I bet those guys I'd pee on the bar and U'd start laughing like crazy.

2006-11-21 18:36:23 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

bartender generously.
- Wow! U R rich.
-Yeah, because I always win bets. I bet U on the NBA game on TV now. $50 the guy will miss that penalty shot.
The bartender laughed.
- U kidding? That's M. Jordan. OK.
Michael missed the shot and the man pocketed the money.
- Another $50? The man challenged on the next shot.
Hoping to get even, the bartender agreed. Michael missed and the bartender saw his $100 gone.
With $100, the man bought a bottle of Jack and went into the room with friends and they started drinking. A while later, the came back out staggering drunk.
- Hey. Want a chance to win your money back?
- Sure! What's up?
- I bet $200 I can stand on the bar and pee into ithe bottle on the in the corner there.
- OK
The patron climbed on the bar, unzipped and peed all over, missing the bottle.
The bartender screamed.
- I won. I won. Give me my money.
The man smiled.
- You have no idea how much I bet those guys I'd pee on the bar and U'd start laughing like crazy.

2006-11-21 18:34:42 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest was very fond of his rooster, one day his rooster went missing. He decided to ask the question to his aprishioners about it in the church next morning.

At the mass next morning, he asked: "Has anybody got a co*k?"

All the men stood up

Priest: "No, no that wasn't I meant, has anybody seen a co*k?"

All the women stood up.

Priest: That wasn't I meant, has anybody seen a co*k that doesn't belong to them?"

Half of the women stood up.

Priest: "No, no, no that wasn't I meant, has anybody seen MY co*k?"

All the nuns & two priests stood up!!!

2006-11-21 18:13:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What did the bean say to the man in the boat?

2006-11-21 18:04:44 · 11 answers · asked by Big Brother 3

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and
so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing
bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra less. One day "little" sister called and
asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when
I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires
for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said,
"I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,
just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched
her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them
down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made
a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said,
we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:





Always keep your condoms in your car.......

2006-11-21 18:01:31 · 12 answers · asked by zaazzy 4

2006-11-21 17:59:17 · 12 answers · asked by ANIL A 2

It's just a joke~~~~easy!

2006-11-21 17:54:01 · 19 answers · asked by The Saint 3

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

What is a pea from the 60's?
A: A Hip-pea!

Hehe. And here is today's riddle:

Why couldn't people stop reading Tolkien's "Lord of the the Rings?"

Good luck! :)

2006-11-21 17:41:32 · 8 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

this JOKE is quite lengthy but very funny!!!!

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.
When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.
The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.
In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."
As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.
"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"
"What's the matter?" his father asked.
"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"
The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."
The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"
The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

2006-11-21 17:37:48 · 9 answers · asked by anitha 4

Anyone disagree?

2006-11-21 17:28:09 · 7 answers · asked by eventhorizon 2

A man comes to your door, he says "you have been choosen as one of the worlds 3 smartest people, will you please come with me to find out who is the smartest". He takes you into a room with no windows or mirrors, but the 2 other smartest people are there. He blindfolds all of you, and says" i am going to paint a dot on each of your forheads, red or green, if you see one or more green dots on the other two peoples heads, you raise your hand. If you can tell me what color dot is on your forehead, you will be crowned the worlds smartest person.". He paints a dot on each of your foreheads, removes the blind folds, and you see two green dots (one on each of the other forheads) and all three of you slowly raise your hands. After a pause, you say," well, i know what color dot is on my forehead" How do you know?

2006-11-21 17:26:38 · 5 answers · asked by .:.:far away:.:. 1

It's driving me CRAZY now! Is there a riddle Iamigloo can't solve?

2006-11-21 17:20:06 · 4 answers · asked by .:.:far away:.:. 1

I get light in night, dark in day, wet whn sunny and dry whn it rains, U can't feel by touching me but when u don't u can feel me. U use me twice a day, who am i???????

2006-11-21 17:19:52 · 18 answers · asked by naijerh 1

2006-11-21 17:16:40 · 7 answers · asked by Thommo 1

2006-11-21 17:00:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A box without hinges, key, or lid;
Yet a golden treasure inside is hid.

2006-11-21 16:59:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

This thing all things devours;
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Slays Kings, ruins towns, and beats high
mountains down.

2006-11-21 16:56:55 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE CLOCKS



A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter. The man asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."



"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded. "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office," said St. Peter, "He's using it as a ceiling fan."

2006-11-21 16:54:45 · 9 answers · asked by spring۞beauty 3

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

2006-11-21 16:53:04 · 6 answers · asked by ? 4

IF HE WENT TO JAIL BEFORE "THANKSGIVING " HIS MOTHER WANTED HIM OUT , YOU KNOW WHY? SO HE COULD CARVE THE WHITE MEAT?

2006-11-21 16:35:55 · 12 answers · asked by SWM 38 _4_ YOUNG GF 5

I'd love to know if anyone know if Christian Coulson who played Tom Marvolo Riddle, the young Voldermort in Chamber of secrets will be returning to play him in Harry Potter and the half blood prince? I think Christian is extremely hot, sexy and is a fabulous actor. This page has my favorite picture:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tom_Riddle

Just scroll down the page and there it is. Very Classic! :-)

2006-11-21 16:32:26 · 4 answers · asked by mysticqueen74 2

2006-11-21 16:31:54 · 32 answers · asked by louloutee 3