Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Cop sees two men having sex in an alley.
Cop shouts out & the two men leg it.
After a short run the cop catches up with one of the men.
Cop says,"when i catch your mate,i'l stick this truncheon right up his a?se"
Cop hears a muffled voice saying,IM IN THE BIN!!

2006-11-21 12:16:47 · 11 answers · asked by ? 4

One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spots an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolls to a stop at the kerb, a figure leaps into the cab and slams the door. Checking his mirror as he pulls away, the cabbie is startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sittin gin the back seat. "Er, where to?" he stammers.
"The station," answers the woman.
"You got it," he nods, taking another long glance in the mirror.
Looking up, the woman catches him staring, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?"
The driver coughs politely, "Well I'd just noticed that you were completely naked."
"So?"
"I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
Nodding slowly, the woman spreads her legs and puts her feet up on the front seat headrests. She smiles at the driver. "Does this answer your question?"
"Bloody hell," cries the cabbie, still staring at the mirror. "Got anything smaller?"

2006-11-21 12:13:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-21 12:12:23 · 11 answers · asked by thresher 7

What Are We <><><><><><><><>?

We're your two favorite seasons.


You're the mover; but we're the shakers.

After the motion, we're tabled.

We're gound for food.

We're responsible for such good taste.

Sometimes we're used for talk about graying hair.

What Are We?

2006-11-21 12:07:11 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

His foreman goes to see his family to tell them the sad news. They ask "Did he suffer". The foreman replies "I don`t think so, he got out three times for a piss!"

2006-11-21 12:02:37 · 11 answers · asked by David H 6

A newlywed couple is about to consumate their marriage, and the wife tells the husband, "Now, you have to give me $10.00, and every time we do this you have to give me
$10.00."
The husband agrees to this and they start their long and happy marriage.
Fifty years go by and the couple is walking down a street, the wife stops the husband and points out a very tall building.
" Honey," she said, " with all the $10.00 you have given me over the years, I was able to buy that building."
"Oh, man." The husband said. " if I had known you'd spend the money so wisly, I'd have given you all my bussiness."

2006-11-21 12:02:02 · 6 answers · asked by mysticalviking 5

Alright, so there is a blonde and a brunette and they are sisters. They live together on this farm. There farm is going down hill and they neeed a bull and they have just enough money to get one.
The brunette sends the blonde out to get the bull.
The blonde buys the bull and has to call the brunette to come pick it up. She only has enough money left to say one word on the phone. She says "comfortable".

why?

2006-11-21 11:58:40 · 16 answers · asked by roarxximadinosaur 2

Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way. We can't do it" Cobba said "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"? "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." Replied Cobba.

"Spot on" Bruce said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her titts."

"Play with her titts"? Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"

2006-11-21 11:56:45 · 21 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

2006-11-21 11:50:34 · 28 answers · asked by m_galagher 1

HUSBAND 1.0 There are a lot of pressures to upgrade from Boyfriend 6.0 to Husband 1.0. However before doing so make sure you understand the implications of this change...
For one, system activity will be severely limited and you will be compelled to instigate rigorous daily routines in space management, garbage disposal and disc cleaning often with an accompanying increase in system administration. This program can also be a drain on many resources and demand constant attention. You will encounter an increased amount of interrupts and error messages, while the program often cancels processes without warning, very often crashing the system. In addition, Husband 1.0 often refuses to respond to your commands and frequently appears to be running processes which you have not authorized. If this happens a lot, do not respond to any interactive requests from the program and severely limit demand for extra bytes.

Every evening there will be a huge surge in demand for megabytes and if not satisfied, the process will become unresponsive and has been known on occasion to damage hardware.

Every so often you will be promised a new release of the program, but unfortunately, upon loading this new release, it is generally found to be almost identical to the old one, with very few feature changes and most of the same old annoying bugs which you were undoubtedly promised would not be there in the new release. Put up with it or discontinue use entirely. Husband 1.0 is a flawed program; many of the bugs are so deeply encoded that, even if they can be located, they are impossible to eradicate and have to be tolerated.

Husband 1.0 will frequently make use of low level language and may not understand higher level commands so you must be prepared to use basic functions when required. Often a few robust algorithms in handshaking mode will produce a good response.

After a while, Husband 1.0 has a tendency to take up more space than originally allocated, often spreading in size and slowing down correspondingly. If this happens, be very careful as there is increased risk of complete system failure. Around this time, Husband 1.0 will also tend to lose bits from the top of the stack, although these will often multiply and be found lower down the stack.

Another problem with this program is that Husband 1.0 can also spawn unknown child processes, which can sometimes inadvertently appear, make huge demands on the program and force unwanted interaction with old versions of 1.nightstand.

Sometimes, Husband 1.0 will end a process prematurely, before you have the required result. This generally results in spawned processes scattered over your system which must be located and removed. More often than not, however, Husband 1.0 will appear to take an inordinately long time to complete a relatively simple process. While waiting for tedious processes to complete you may find it useful to distract yourself by perusing manuals for alternative programs, Stud 2.0 or Lover 6.9

On completion of a process, Husband 1.0 will often inadvertently apply the sleep command, or suspend system activity with a Ctrl ZZ. There is nothing you can do in this case, but leave the program and try again later.

Ultimately, as the program becomes older, it will become more difficult to produce hardcopy, and you will find that most of you work ends up on floppies. In addition, you will be needing software support more often than you'd like. If and when this happens, try to find a copy of Toyboy 1.1. Make sure you have used Ctrl ZZ on Husband 1.0 before loading Toyboy 1.1 and, of course, check for viruses before using any new program. Toyboy 1.1 should come with new hardware which can be plugged into any of your ports.

2006-11-21 11:47:31 · 11 answers · asked by Deranged Insanity 2

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted.

What's the difference between a BMW and a porcupine? A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Two Dallas Cowboys were in a car. Who was driving? The police.

How do you get 3 pounds of meat out of a fly? You unzip it.

What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? In the end, someone's going to lose a trailer.

What's a native of Paris called? A parasite.

Why can't a blonde dial 911? She couldn't find the 11.

What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Why can't Hellen Keller drive? Because she's a woman.

What did the blonde say when she walked in a bar with a piece of **** in her hand? Luck must be on my side, look what I almost stepped in.

2006-11-21 11:46:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

pigs
about
talking
idiot
this
got
i
long
how
look

First, say pig infront of all the words.

Next, say pig behind each of the words.

Thirdly, say pig infront and behind each word.

Next, read all the words starting from the top to the bottom.

Finally, read all the words starting from the bottom to the top.



; ]

2006-11-21 11:46:32 · 7 answers · asked by roarxximadinosaur 2

2006-11-21 11:42:42 · 9 answers · asked by flower girl 2

It's never easy to overcome innate nerdity, a serious Internet addiction, or a hard-core computer gaming habit, but trying usually isn't as painful as kidney stones. Here's how:

Let go of the mouse.

Turn off the computer.

Play a game of solitaire with a real deck of cards.

Eat something other than taco chips.

Fart without recording it and putting it up your Web page.

Get some sleep in bed rather than on your keyboard.

Next time you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, don't tell everyone on your ICQ list about it.

Open a window without turning your computer back on (yes, it is possible). Very gradually expose your eyes to increasingly bright light so as to avoid damage or permanent sun blindness.

When you feel prepared for a massive dose of non-CRT radiation, put on welding goggles and go outside.

If you see someone, say "Hi" to them instead of trying to make the modem connect sound.

Visit a friend that you haven't spoken to in years because they don't have an email address.

Have ".com" officially removed from behind your name. Go on a date with someone you didn't meet in a chat room.

2006-11-21 11:40:58 · 22 answers · asked by Deranged Insanity 2

George the postman was on the final day of his job after 35 years of serving his neighbourhood, come rain or shine. At his first house, he was greeted by the entire family applauding him, and sent him on his way with a healthy gift envelope. At the second house, he was presented with a case of fine wine; at the third he left with a box of Havana cigars.
At the fourth house, George was greeted by a beautiful blonde in a baby-doll nightie, who took him by the hand upstairs to the bedroom and treated him to the best sex of his life. Afterwards she led him to the kitchen and cooked him breakfast.
As the stunning woman poured the coffee, the postie noticed a £1 coin next to his cup. "What's the money for?" he asked.
"Oh," the woman replied. "Last night I told my husband that today was your last day, and I asked him what we should give you for a special treat. He said "F**k him. Give him a pound." The breakfast was my idea."

2006-11-21 11:39:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

2006-11-21 11:38:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the 21 year old Italian girl who knelt in front of the statue of Madonna?
She said: "You who conceived without sin, let me sin without conceiving!"

2006-11-21 11:38:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"

2006-11-21 11:35:43 · 10 answers · asked by Deranged Insanity 2

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases,

the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

2006-11-21 11:34:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

there are three men

one potato cleaning man one rabit eater and one banana seller

so the potato man sold potatos , and one day he ate one and ran to the toilet and pood1

then the rabit eater ate a rabbit and also pood

but the banana man didnt want to eat the banana so he stuck it up his a$$ and then made a poo? HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHA its my joke and it was the best or wat get it poo get it hahahahaha get it!?

2006-11-21 11:29:20 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I hope this has not been posted here before.

One day three couples who were vacationing together were killed in a car accident.
When the first couple went up to St. Peter, he looked at his book and told the husband "I'm sorry, But you can't come in. You spent your life being so obessed with money that you refused to marry until you met a girl named Penny."
When the Second couple went up to St.Peter, he looked in the book again and told the husband "I'm sorry,but you can't come in. All you have cared about most of your life is booze, in fact you refused to marry until you met a girl named Brandy."
The third couple looked at each other and the husband said "Come on, Fanny, I don't think we have a chance."

2006-11-21 11:28:11 · 7 answers · asked by mysticalviking 5

You are here.
She really is pretty.
This is how we do it.
You guys to, will go.
You can keep it.
They are a bunch of kids.
You're a dumbass.
Let's get busy.
Do it for ten minutes.
I'm number one .
I want minute maid.

(Read every third word in each sentence!)

2006-11-21 11:26:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sophie just got married, and being a traditional Italian was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

2006-11-21 11:20:20 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. ****, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy

2006-11-21 11:18:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Don`t laugh at me

2006-11-21 11:16:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sicker the better please!

2006-11-21 11:15:17 · 9 answers · asked by eddie9551 5

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?

Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?

Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?

Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?

If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?

If a fork were made of gold would it still be considered silverware?

How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?

Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?

What happens if you put 'this side up' face down while popping microwave popcorn?

Can mute people burp?

Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?

Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"

Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?

Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?

Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?

How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?

In that song, 'she'll be coming around the mountain', who is she?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?

Can you get cornered in a round room?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?

If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back? (Granted you lived)

Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?

Are marbles made of marble?

Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?

"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?

Can it be cloudy and foggy at the same time?

Can a fire truck park in the fire lane?

If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?

Aren't the 'good things that come to those who wait' just the leftovers from the people that got there first?

When French people swear do they say 'pardon my English'?

Can you make a candle out of your earwax?

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?

If Hooters were to become a door-to-door service would they have to change their name to 'Knockers'?

Why do the numbers on phones go down while the numbers on calculators go up?

Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?

Why is there a top line on lined paper if we never use it?

When people say, "I’m so tired it's not even funny" or "my head hurts so much it's not even funny", why would it even be funny in the first place?

Do stairs go up or down?

Why do bullies always ask "what’s your problem" when they're obviously not going to solve it?

Do they have burglar alarms at Christian bookstores?

Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?

If you swallow a burp does it turn into a fart?

Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities they are put in an mental hospital, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?

Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?

Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?

How come French fries are not considered vegetables, since they are just deep fried potatoes?

If someone's peeing and halfway through they die, would they keep pissing or stop?

Are people who are allergic to nuts allergic to coconuts too?

Do the actors in the re-enactments on Americas most wanted, ever get arrested (because they were seen on TV portraying the criminal)?

Can a person with no ears wear glasses?

If you rented a movie and were late returning it and then you died would someone you knew or a family member have to pay the late fee?

If you made biscuits with chocolate milk instead of regular milk, would they taste chocolaty?

What if you were to ask a genie to grant you more than three wishes for one of you wishes?

Why doesn't baking soda freeze?

Do bald people get dandruff?

Do the actors on Unsolved Mysteries ever get arrested because they look just like the criminal they are playing?

"What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?"

If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?

When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?

How do "do not walk on grass" signs get there?

Whats a question with no answer called?

Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?

Are there pink lemons that make pink lemonade?

Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?

How come lotion is colored, but when you put it on, it doesn't turn your skin that color?

Are tomatoes fruits or vegetables?

Isn't it weird that all year round your parents tell you not to play with fire, but on Independence Day they hand you a package of explosives, a lighter, and say 'have fun'?

How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

Why is there a little countdown (like 8, 7, 6, 5, 4) near the bottom of the copyright info page in the beginning of many books?

If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?

Why do cats like to dig their paws into something before they lay down on it?

When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court do they have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't believe in God?

Is it possible to be allergic to water?

What is the point in saying "may I ask" and then follow it up with a question?

Why is there never a full English dinner or tea but there is always a full English breakfast?

Why don't they make Root Beer flavored ice cream? Wouldn't it be better than root beer floats?

If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness?

If a baseball player hits a home run over the fence, but then dies before he can run around the bases, does the home run count?

Can a unborn baby fart or burp?

Why does jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the scent virtually disappears?

Why is it called a soap opera when nobody sings?

If French kissing is a big thing in America, how do French people react to normal American kissing?

Can you "zone out" and be "in the zone" at the same time?

Do you wake up or open your eyes first?

Is the vice president's wife called the second lady?

If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?

If your eyes are crossed, do your tears fall straight?

Why do child labor laws not prohibit children from acting in movies?

If a vampire were Jewish would his Sabbath start at sunrise?

Why do people say "The alarm just went off" when really it just came on?

Do they put underwear on corpses?

Do bubbles freeze in winter?

What sound does a bunny make?

If you had only one hand, would second hand smoking effect you?

Do suicide hotlines have hold?

Have you ever wondered why in the 1500's nude photos/painting were art, while today it's pornography?

If you are old and are in a bathtub how would you know if you have been in there too long?

If you can see your breath outide on a cold day, could you see your fart?

If you wear contact lenses and you died with them in your eyes, do they take them out?

2006-11-21 11:13:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

one day a man laid an egg

he went to his wife all confused and asked

"i was on the john dear and this poped out might telling me why"

and she replyed

"well i think you pood a egg go ask the chicken"

get it go ask the chicken hahahahahha hahaha HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i thought it was THE BEST JOKE EVER cuz i mad it up!!! hahahahahahahAHAHHAH AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH HAHA

2006-11-21 11:12:59 · 11 answers · asked by butter 1

Try guessing the right answer And I will give your a 5 star rating!

2006-11-21 11:10:56 · 37 answers · asked by Such A Chicka 3

A man and a woman are sitting together on a plane. The woman keeps on sneezing every short while and the man soon notices this, and starts to get annoyed. The man asks the woman "are you O.K?, you seem to be sneezing quite alot" the woman looks up and replies "yes im O.K, but every time I sneeze I get an orgasm" the man recoils in shock and says "my goodness, are you taking anything for it?" the woman again looks up and replies "yes, pepper

2006-11-21 11:08:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous