Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A flea and a fly in a flu...? what is the rest?

2006-11-20 22:35:09 · 6 answers · asked by Kita 3

**WARNING! EXPLICIT CONTENT! GO HOME KIDS!**

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

2006-11-20 22:32:05 · 8 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvaJHeTg4Lg&mode=related&search=

check this surfing, (above) it's amazing.

I know it's not a joke, so i'll tell one, that u already heard:

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says,
"A beer please, and one for the road."

2006-11-20 22:28:39 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I Need Jokes Like: 'Two Fish In A Tank, One Says To The Other" How Do You Drive This Thing?"

2006-11-20 22:25:57 · 7 answers · asked by Charlie D 2

The Bossy Wife...

An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen.
With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen. There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie.

His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"

2006-11-20 22:20:48 · 8 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

Those that can count and those that can't...

2006-11-20 22:16:35 · 19 answers · asked by Georgie's Girl 5

...That would be considered possible today?
For example,
People once thougt the earth was flat, So Christopher couldn't sail around it.

Give me some more Please!

2006-11-20 22:03:34 · 8 answers · asked by HardCore 4

I wanna hear a really funny joke! thanx :)

2006-11-20 21:58:13 · 9 answers · asked by vegas_b0y 1

A NUT CASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHA HEHEHEEHE

2006-11-20 21:24:47 · 8 answers · asked by ? 1

2006-11-20 21:11:59 · 21 answers · asked by Keira 4

2006-11-20 21:10:34 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

town working away from home. Whilst walking down the street i asked a bloke where's the best place to get a woman. He said on the end of your d**k, you pillock !!!!!!!

2006-11-20 21:05:31 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

The 3 men were scenteced to death either by the electric chair or be hangged or be burnt. The lucky chose the electric chair but it didn't work so they let him go. The smart chose the electric chair it failed again and they let him go. Than the stupid was confused and the crowd shouted "Choose the CHAIR!!!"

He answered "Can't you see it's BROKEN!! Daah!!!"

2006-11-20 21:04:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Nine Dances

Alibi, Boron, Camomile and Dunce took their wives to the Tennis Club Dance. They dances nine dances, and, by general agreement, none of the four men danced any of them with his own wife. Morover, the eight dancers paired off differently for each of the nine dances.

Is this possible? Certainly it is.
Alibi danced the first two dances with Mrs. Boron, and the next with fascinating Claire Camomile. For the fourth, fifth, and sixth dances, Boron's partner was Minnehaha Dunce. Dunce danced the seventh dance with his sister, Nectarine Alibi, and the eighth with Mrs. Camomile.

How were the eight dancers paired for the last dance?

2006-11-20 20:59:54 · 2 answers · asked by enigma 1

I bored and no like this cold weather

2006-11-20 20:58:25 · 18 answers · asked by mysquello 2

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy."

Bartender asks, "You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?"

The guy says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my best buddy in my pocket here." He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks, "You mean to say, he can drink that much?" "Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some." the man retorted.

So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing!" says the bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing!" he says. "What else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eyes and says, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native witch doctor a ********!

2006-11-20 20:27:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

sex on days starting with T ,
Tunday, Tuesday,Thursday,Taturday, Thanksgiving date,
every tucking date !!

how about you ?

2006-11-20 20:24:08 · 7 answers · asked by ? 2

A Kindergarten teacher was giving a lesson to her pupils, and she asked them, "Ok, if three birds are sitting on a fence, and I shoot one, how many are left?"

One of the boys raised his hand and the teacher called on him, "None," he answered. "No, I'm sorry, the answer is TWO," the teacher replied. "But," returned the boy, "if you shot at one bird, wouldn't the other two fly away?" "Well, that's still not the right answer," began the teacher, "but I like the way you think!"

"Ok, now I have a question for you," started the boy. "If three women are standing on a sidewalk eating ice cream and one is just nibbling at it, one is really licking it, and the other is shoving it deep down into her throat... how can you tell which one is married?"

"Now, I really don't like this question," lectured the teacher, "but I would have to say it is the third one." The boy glanced casually at his teacher, "Nope, it is the one wearing the ring... But," he added, "I like the way you think."

2006-11-20 20:19:43 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints. Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans."

"Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. "

"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission."

"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls."

"Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then the Army Corp of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country."

"I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."

2006-11-20 20:18:03 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "What??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you... she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that girl knows I'm smarter than her.

2006-11-20 20:16:59 · 11 answers · asked by nawty_boy_uk 1

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

2006-11-20 20:13:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2006-11-20 20:10:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

When man was created, all parts of the body argued who should be boss.

The brain said he should be boss since he controlled all thoughts.

The eyes said he should be boss since without him, man wouldn't be able to see.

The legs then countered this by saying that it was him that brought man wherever he wanted to go.

The stomach argued that it was him that provided nutrition for the whole body and he should be boss.

Then the as*hole applied for the job.The other parts laughed so hard that the as*hole got angry and closed up for a week. The stomach got upset, the legs went wobbly, the brain started to go wonky and the eyes got crossed. Finally, they conceded that the asshole will be the boss.

This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an as*hole.

2006-11-20 20:07:27 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, "I'm too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her to." The teacher took him to the principals office and explained the situation to the principal.

The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet.

The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: "what is 3 x 3" Johnny: "9"

Principal: "6 x 6" Johnny: "36"

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher "I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right."

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of? Johnny: "Legs"

Teacher: "What do you have in your pants that I don't have?" the principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, "pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?" Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says "Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.

2006-11-20 19:59:04 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife were doing yard work outside. The wife goes inside to take a shower. The husband was still outside and wanted to rake up the leaves on his front lawn, but he couldn't find the damn rake.

He yells to his wife, who looks out the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the rake?" Unfortunately she can't hear him. So he decides to point to his eye (meaning I), points to his knee (meaning need), and then makes raking motions. She has no idea what he means and yells, "What?" So he goes through the whole routine again.

She nods, this time, like she understands what he's trying to say and, then, points to her eye, points to her left breast, points to her as s, and points to her crotch. Her husband is totally confused (and somewhat aroused), so he goes into the house, runs up the stairs, and leans his head around the corner. "What did you say?" he asks. She replies, "Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

2006-11-20 19:53:11 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They cam upon a castle, dying of thirst they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with the many beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle he found the three men with his women. Pissed off the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be serverly punished according to their occupation.

The king goes up the the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies..."Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis." Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said...."I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis." Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."

2006-11-20 19:50:28 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes home at 4pm and see his wife cooking, he then goes take a nap and when he woke up (at 7pm) a marvelous dinner was prepared. At 10 pm they go to bed. In the morning at 7am, he killed her. Why?

No tricky, long drawn out answer to this one. It's logical and simple. What is the answer?

2006-11-20 19:49:04 · 19 answers · asked by bumblebeemeggie 2

http://www.milaadesign.com/wizardy.html

2006-11-20 19:27:47 · 15 answers · asked by scousey1505 1

The paragraph below is most unusual. How quickly can you find out what is so unusual about it? It looks so ordinary you'd think nothing was wrong with it - and in fact, nothing is wrong with it. It is unusual though. Why?



"Gatsby was walking back from a visit down in Branton Hill's manufacturing district on a Saturday night. A busy day's traffic had had its noisy run; and with not many folks in sight, His Honour got along without having to stop to grasp a hand, or talk; for a mayor out of City Hall is a shining mark for any politician. And so, coming to Broadway, a booming bass drum and sounds of singing, told of a small Salvation Army unit carrying on amidst Broadway's night shopping crowds. Gatsby , walking towards that group, saw a youg girl, back toward him, just finishing a long, soulful oration ... "

The above passage is taken from the book "Gatsby" written by Ernest Vincent Wright in the late 1930's.

Again, what's so weird about this passage? I'll tell you in the end! :-)

2006-11-20 19:22:44 · 9 answers · asked by bumblebeemeggie 2

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

2006-11-20 18:59:23 · 8 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5