Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Fake Eye
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.

2006-11-20 13:48:51 · 22 answers · asked by Dharshi 2

Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.

After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."

She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".

"OK" he says, "you're dirt ugly as well!"

2006-11-20 13:42:16 · 17 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......






BUMP........











BUMP........











BUMP........











Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.









BUMP........













BUMP........













BUMP........











He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.



Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.













BUMP........











BUMP........











BUMP........









He could feel the coffin gaining on him, He started walking faster.........











BUMP........BUMP......











BUMP........BUMP.....











BUMP........BUMP......











The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......













BUMP....BUMP...BUMP...











BUMP....BUMP...BUMP...













BUMP....BUMP...BUMP...







He started to sprint, but so did the coffin.









BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.









BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP....











BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.









Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling; he managed to open the lock. He dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair.





Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continue its chase.....













BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...











BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...











BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...











BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...









In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........











BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREEC H...HOP...













BUMP...SCREECH...HOP.... BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...











BUMP...SCREECH...HOP... BUMP...SCREEC H...HOP...









The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges....



The coffin stood in the doorway, and then started to approach the young terrified lad.









BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...









BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...







BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...











In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......



He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin. Still it came .











BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...







He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....



Still it came......















BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...













He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it...







still it came......











BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...











He grabbed some Benilyn cough mixture and threw it........



































The coffin stopped.

2006-11-20 13:41:04 · 29 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!



What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan


What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag



Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.



What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts



Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.



What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.



What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs



What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes



What's the fastest way to a man's heart?



Through his chest with a sharp knife.



Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism



Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?


Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.



Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?



Because they have cotton balls.



What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"



Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.



Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.



Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



Where does an Irish family go on vacation?



A different bar.



Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong".



What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?

They're hiring.



What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage
along with... "a recipe".



How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!



What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****....


Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

2006-11-20 13:39:27 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a Pisces!

2006-11-20 13:37:29 · 13 answers · asked by (>_<) 3

2006-11-20 13:28:08 · 13 answers · asked by kari r 1

the best birth control is to put the pill between your legs and if it drops your f***ked.

2006-11-20 13:27:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. If using a touch-tone phone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
3. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
4. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
5. Answer their questions with questions.
6. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
7. Use these bonus words in the coversation: ROBUST, FREE-SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRANIAN, PUCE
8. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
9. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
10. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
11. Stutter on the letter 'p'.
12. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
13. Say "hello", act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
14. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panice and become disoriented.
15. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
16. Change your accent every three seconds.
17. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
18. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "Bed-wetters' camp, right?"
19. Start your order with, "I'd like . . .", a little later, slao yourself and say, "No, I don't!"
20. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right say, "OK, that'll be $10.99, please pull up to the first window."
21. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
22. Put the accent on the last syllable of 'pepperoni'. Use the long 'i' sound.
23. Say, "are you SURE this is Papa John's?" When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!"
24. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream, "GOODBYE!" at the top of your lungs.
25. Imitate the order taker's voice.
26. When they say, "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
27. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the delivery driver hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
28. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
29. Ask to see a menu.
30. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
31. Belch directly into the mouthpiece, then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
32. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"
33. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
34. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
35. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
36. Call to complain about the service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
37. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
38. Report petty theft to the order taker.
39. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town!"
40. Woner aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
41. Try to talk while drinking something.
42. Start the conversation with, "My call to Papa John's, take one, and . . .action!"
43. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
44. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does?" Stimulate a cutoff.
45. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
46. Say, "Kssssssshhhht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
47. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
48. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
49. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'!"
50. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
51. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
52. When you're given the price say, "Oooooooooh, that sounds complicated, I hate math."
53. When they say, "Will that be all?" snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"
54. Order with a Speak-and-Spell where applicable.
55. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
56. Dance all around the word 'pizza'. Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it say, "Please don't mention that word."
57. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell, "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
58. Order a steamed pizza.

2006-11-20 13:25:07 · 9 answers · asked by circa 1980 5

“No, Fred, I got fired from there.”

“Oh that’s to bad, so what happened?”

“Well, I started out working at the warehouse,
running the boxing machine, then after a couple
of months, I transferred and I ran the pickle separator
machine. Then, a month later, I transferred again, to
the pickle slicing machine.
Running a pickle slicing machine is boring, so I
started doing some things I shouldn’t have”

“Yeah, well, like what? Mess with the boss’s wife? Ha ha”

“Almost as bad.. I got caught sticking my member in a Pickle
Washer and the boss said he couldn’t have that here, it's just too dangerous. So I got fired.”

“Wow, that must have been exciting… what happened to the Pickle Washer?”

“Oh, they fired her, too”

2006-11-20 13:16:47 · 5 answers · asked by scrubbag 7

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and
the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."



"My god!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

2006-11-20 13:13:24 · 4 answers · asked by leolady0765 4

It was a month ago but yooh have to guess the date...its between 7-20....GUESS AWAY AND EARN !) POINTS! 1st person to gets it!

2006-11-20 13:13:06 · 20 answers · asked by tink tink.....TiNkErBeLL! 2

These are from a book called ' Disorder in the American Courts', and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.


ATTORNEY: But nevertheless could the patient have still been alive?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

2006-11-20 13:12:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

first off only the month and date
second i'll give you a few clues

I wasn't born in the summer or fall
The date is between 6-17

First one right gets 10 points and a thumbs up

2006-11-20 13:06:51 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the Skeleton cross the road??

2006-11-20 12:59:19 · 10 answers · asked by tink tink.....TiNkErBeLL! 2

Two men from Texas were driving through Wyoming when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.


The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Wyoming, son,"
the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Wyoming, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer! " the driver said, "I'm from Texas and didn't know your laws here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands."

Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you Texas, people," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that **** with me!

2006-11-20 12:55:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

little Johnny was 7 years old and like
other boys
his age rather curious. He had been
hearing quite
a bit
about 'making out' from the older boys,
and he
wondered what it was and how it was
done. One
day he took his question to his mother,
who
became rather flustered. Instead of
explaining
things to Johnny, she told him to hide
behind the
curtains one night and watch his older
sister and
her boyfriend.

This he did.

The following morning, Johnny described
EVERYTHING
to his mother.


"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for
a while,
then he turned off most of the lights.
Then he
started kissing and hugging her. I
figured 'Sis
must be getting sick, because her face
started
looking funny. He must have thought so
too,
because he put his hand inside her
blouse to feel
her heart, just the way the doctor would.
Except
he's not as smart as the doctor because he
seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
I guess
he was getting sick too, because pretty
soon both
of them started panting and getting all
out of
breath. His other hand must have been
cold
because he put it under her skirt. About
this
time 'Sis got worse and began to moan
and sigh
and squirm around and slide down
toward the end
of the couch. This was when her fever
started. I
knew it was a fever, because Sis told him
she felt
really hot. Finally, I found out what was
making
them so sick-a big eel had gotten inside
his pants
somehow. It just jumped out of his pants
and
stood there, about 10 inches long,
honest, anyway
he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from
getting
away. When Sis saw it, she got really
scared-her
eyes got big, and her mouth fell open,
and she
started calling out to God and stuff like
that. She
said it was the biggest one she's ever
seen; I
should tell her about the ones down at
the lake by
our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and
tried to kill
the eel by biting its head off. All of a
sudden she
grabbed it with both hands and held it
tight while
he took a muzzle out of his pocket and
slipped it
over the eel's head to keep it from biting
again. Sis
lay back and spread her legs so she could
get a
scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying
on top of
the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight.
Sis started
groaning and squealing and her
boyfriend almost
upset the couch. I guess they wanted to
kill the
eel by squashing it between them. After a
while
they both quit moving and gave a great
sigh. Her
boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they
killed the
eel. I knew because it just hung there,
limp, and
some of its insides were hanging out. Sis
and her
boyfriend were a little tired from the
battle, but
they went back to courting anyway. He
started
hugging
and kissing her again. By golly, the eel
wasn't
dead! It jumped straight up and started to
fight
again. I guess eels are like cats- they
have nine
lives or something. This time, Sis jumped
up and
tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a
35
minute struggle, they finally killed the
eel. I
knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's
boyfriend
peel its
skin off and flush it down the toilet

2006-11-20 12:55:26 · 10 answers · asked by aLl I WaNtEd 5

yo mama so tall i clipped her last week and she's still falling...
yo mama so old i told her to act her age, and she died...

anyone know any good jokes?

2006-11-20 12:46:35 · 9 answers · asked by summer ♥ 5

They reported no casualties, saw no suicide bombers and didnt fire a shot in anger...all they saw was a few thousand Mexicans going about their daily business

2006-11-20 12:46:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bit long, but worth reading



Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is
called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes",
he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person
is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for
verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly,
they both win the prize.
One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big
Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing
I've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you
win. What is your name? First only please."
Contestant: "Brian."
DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
Brian: "Yes."
DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
Brian: "Sarah."
DJ: "Is Sarah at work, Brian?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"
Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
Brian: "About 10 minutes."
DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
if a trip wasn't at stake."
Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?"
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a
couple of weeks..."
DJ: "Uh huh..."
Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
Brian: "On the kitchen table."
DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times
I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work
number and call her up. You listen to this."
3 minutes of commercials follow.
DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?"
(touch tones.....ringing....)
Clerk: "Kinkos."
DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
Clerk: "This is she."
DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate
Match'?"
Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
honest."
DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold
Coast for 5 days on us.
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"
Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from
a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"
Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well..."
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: "Up the ar*e....."
After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

2006-11-20 12:45:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Jewish father asks his son what he wants for his 15th birthday....'A trip in a plane'...says the son. So the father phones the airports & gets quotes of £150-£300 an hour. 'No way am I paying that' he says. One day the 2 of them are out walking & they come across a crop sprayer just about to board his open topped plane. The father tells him about his son's birthday & asks him a price...'.£100 for an hour' he replies. The father says there's no way he's willing to pay more than £10 and that's final. So the crop sprayer sensing he can have a bit of fun at the father's expense says...'Tell you what, I'll take you 2 up for an hour but if I hear a sound from you, you pay me £100, If you keep silent you can have the trip for free. So up they go, the pilot's doing back flips, twists, loops, plumetting towards the ground, & flying upside down. Afterwards the pilot said he didn't know how they kept silent. 'Wasn't easy said the father.......' I had to bite my tongue when the son fell out'!

2006-11-20 12:42:25 · 5 answers · asked by kev3753 1

Grandpa and Grandma were spending a few weeks to visit with their son and his family. One night, Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked him about taking one of the pills.

"Dad," his son replied, "I really don't think you should take one. They're very strong and besides that, they're very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10 a pill," was the answer.

"That ain't bad," responded Grandpa. "I'd like to try one. All I have are $50 bills, so I'll go break one and leave the money under your pillow."

The next morning the son found $110 under his pillow. So as soon as he could, he spoke to Grandpa privately. "Dad, you gave me $110 but I told you the pill only cost $10."

"I know that, son," Grandpa replied. "The extra hundred is from Grandma."

2006-11-20 12:41:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

2006-11-20 12:38:01 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please?"

"What's the problem, officer?"

"Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"you gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir".

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and. . ."

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The police officer had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

2006-11-20 12:34:12 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-20 12:34:12 · 10 answers · asked by mayank g 1

2006-11-20 12:23:53 · 5 answers · asked by borateen 2

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When *ntercourse is called "making love."'
LUST - When *ntercourse is called "scr*wing."
MARRIAGE - When *ntercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When ... uh ... what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to ***** about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST -When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

2006-11-20 12:15:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-20 12:13:38 · 7 answers · asked by captncluise 2

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

2006-11-20 12:12:07 · 17 answers · asked by good guy 4

A man is trevalling in the jungle.

he is captured by cannivals.

chief says:

To save your life you can make one sentance.

If the sentence is true, you will die by sword.

If the sentence is false, you will die in the hot oil.

what does he say to save his life?

2006-11-20 12:05:33 · 8 answers · asked by Iamman 1

2006-11-20 12:02:42 · 11 answers · asked by Zak Y 1