These are from a book called ' Disorder in the American Courts', and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were taking place!
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
ATTORNEY: But nevertheless could the patient have still been alive?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
2006-11-20 13:12:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
my lists are running slow, got a violation other day, so thought would be better to delete and re-enter, sorry all
2006-11-20 13:18:57 · update #1
Awesome, I loved the first ones, and again, laughed so hard I was crying. I spit soda out my nose....ouchie! 8D
2006-11-20 13:34:29 · answer #1 · answered by AuthorGirl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
great: how many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
3 one to change the bulb, one to push him off the ladder and the other to sue the ladder company.
2006-11-20 22:29:00 · answer #2 · answered by Toxilocks 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Nice !!! You wonder how many ppl got sent behind bars because of these lawyers...
2006-11-20 13:40:57 · answer #3 · answered by Jazz 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Oh joy and more of them come of the conveyor belt all the time.
2006-11-20 13:25:59 · answer #4 · answered by ♣ My Brainhurts ♣ 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
lmao 10/10 .u go on the same site as me (wink ) pmsl keep them coming
2006-11-20 19:17:07 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well done - you picked out the best ones.
2006-11-20 13:17:49 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Only in America. LOL
2006-11-20 13:18:49 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
so funny I've got a bloody headache laughing.Thanks
2006-11-20 21:13:33 · answer #8 · answered by David 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That was great
thanks for the lift
2006-11-20 13:53:46 · answer #9 · answered by beek 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Very witty! I love that kinda stuff!X
2006-11-20 13:17:49 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋