Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

1.When you're sad I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard that made you sad.

2.When you are blue I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3.When you smile I will know you finally got laid.

4.When you are scared I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5.When you are worried I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be.

6.When you are confused I will use little words.

7.When you are sick stay the hell away from me.I don't want whatever you have.

8.When you fall I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9.This is my oath...I pledge it 'til the end."Why?" you may ask;Because I am your friend.

Friendship is like peeing your pants.
Everyone can see it,but only you can feel the warmth.

2006-11-20 08:10:25 · 7 answers · asked by binary 2

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

2006-11-20 08:08:55 · 16 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

If it takes one cell 60 seconds to divide in a cup and fill it to the top how long will it take two cells to fill it up?(hint the answer is not 30 seconds.)

2006-11-20 08:08:01 · 9 answers · asked by M R 1

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

2006-11-20 08:03:38 · 25 answers · asked by smile♥ 3

For days, weeks, months or years
we can travel near or far
It is always with us, all the time
no matter where we are
It’s always with us all our life,
at each and every stage,
But we grow old, it’s not like us,
It doesn’t ever age.
It’s been around since time began,
And yet it has no past..oh wow!
It really has no future, but
I know its here, right now.

If these clues do not tell you what it is, I will add some more later.

2006-11-20 07:54:17 · 11 answers · asked by scrubbag 7

A docter and a lawyer are talking at a party. Suddenly, their conversation is interupted by some guy. He asks the docter about his illness and the docter advizes him new medication. When the guy finally leaves, the docter asks the lawyer, being a little annoyed with the situation, whether he doesn't get bothered at parties by people who want legal advice. "They never bother me twice, I just send them a bill the next morning" the lawyes replies.

The docter, impressed with the answer, asks his secretary the next morning to write a $50bill to the guy from the party. "Right away" his secretary replies "oh and this came in this morning: a $100 bill from some lawyer..."

2006-11-20 07:49:27 · 5 answers · asked by JohnyD 3

THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLYTHE CENTURY.


A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars and then insured them against fire, among other things.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and WON!

In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the co mpany in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".
NOW FOR THE BEST PART!’
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. ONLY IN AMERICA!

2006-11-20 07:47:29 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

H B N A I E P R O

anybody know the next three letters

2006-11-20 07:42:22 · 11 answers · asked by volleygoodtime 2

as the Best Answer, what would you do with the 10 points?

2006-11-20 07:41:31 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Baptist, a Catholic, and an Episcopalian meet down in hell. Naturally, they ask one another why the other is there.
The Baptist said, "I am here in hell because I did not believe that the bible was the word of God."
The Catholic says, "I am here in hell because I did not believe that the pope's word was infallible.
The Episcopalian says, "I an here in hell because I ate my whole meal with a salad fork."

2006-11-20 07:37:59 · 4 answers · asked by thezaylady 7

The jokers on Yahoo answers, usually have at least one person telling them that the joke is old. It seems to me that these people think once thay have heard a joke, no one should ever tell it again. I wonder if they ever tell the jokes which they have been told.

2006-11-20 07:35:38 · 11 answers · asked by FairyBlessed 4

the man who had a car accident and when he woke up in hospital he says''doctor doctor i cant FEEL my legs''the doctor says ''dont worry mate your legs are perfectly ok but we have had to amputate your arms''

2006-11-20 07:31:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

2006-11-20 07:27:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

According to a news report, a certain school in London was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the Headmaster decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

(There are teachers.... and then there are educators!)

2006-11-20 07:25:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-20 07:19:06 · 12 answers · asked by backroadhome 3

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet God and asks him if he can ask a few questions.

"Sure," God says, "Go right ahead".

"Ok," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

God says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would love them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

God says, "So they would love

2006-11-20 07:18:02 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI (Driving Under the Influence of alcohol) violations.

At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

By the time he was able to get his car started, everyone else had left the bar and driven off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

2006-11-20 07:14:57 · 18 answers · asked by Bella 2

i dont even know the answer...so heres the riddle:"Im weightless, but you can see me...if i fill a bucket, Ill make it lighter...What am I?"...and if u dont know the answer, plz dont rite down, "i dont know.."...cuz thats not wat im looking for...thanx...:D

2006-11-20 07:14:01 · 12 answers · asked by amna s 2

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

2006-11-20 07:08:41 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-20 07:01:52 · 21 answers · asked by freddy197120032003 3

Or did he try and get with Barbie and get divorced?

2006-11-20 06:51:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-20 06:50:47 · 35 answers · asked by porker animal 2

2006-11-20 06:47:37 · 6 answers · asked by kool guy 1

Railroad Crossing, look out for the cars, can you spell that without any Rs?

It's really easy so don't strain your brain and don't kick yourself if you have to read it over a couple of times to get it.

2006-11-20 06:44:37 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Raven 6

DIVORCED!!!

2006-11-20 06:43:21 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

You're in your bathroom filling your bath but - shock, horror - you try to turn the taps off and find that they're jammed on. You know the bath will eventually fill and then spill over as there is no overspill drain. Worse still the window doesn't open and the door has sealed itself shut and it completely water tight. The only things you have in there to help are a pair of nail clippers, a loo roll and a back scrubber. How do you save yourself from drowning?

Only one simple answer so first right one gets the points.

2006-11-20 06:33:06 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

wot the best joke you have heard latley im sad and need cheering up

2006-11-20 06:31:04 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

2006-11-20 06:27:15 · 31 answers · asked by miller_man 1

Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

2006-11-20 06:25:24 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cowboy rides into a small town on Friday. He stays the night but leaves on Friday. How can this be true.

2006-11-20 06:24:50 · 13 answers · asked by Claire 1