wot the best joke you have heard latley im sad and need cheering up
2006-11-20 06:31:04 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.
Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.
"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.
"Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back.
"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"
2006-11-20 06:34:30 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Enjoy...........................................
2006-11-23 10:09:00 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking
tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come
tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to
get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.
Don't forget your husbands."
Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'.
Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome!
Everyone come for a fun time.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus"
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors
for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping
and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
Remember in prayer the many who are
sick of our community.
Don't let worry kill you off-let the Church help.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on
October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship
that began in their school days.
For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
Please place your donation in the envelope along
with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM.-
prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of
every kind. They may be seen in the basement
on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the
park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and
come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10.
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall
after the B.S. is done.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's
Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.
The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing
campaign slogan last Sunday:
"I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
2006-11-20 07:03:00 · answer #3 · answered by Bella 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A man is in bed with his wife when there's a knock on the door, the husband goes down to find a man at the door who says "mate you couldn't give me a hand could you, I'm stuck and need a push. The husband says " no way mate its the middle of the night, your on your own" and goes back up to bed where his wife is disgusted with him and makes him get dressed and go to help. When he gets outside he cant see the man so he shouts "hey mate where are you? Ive come to give you that push" Then he hears "I'm over here mate on the swings!" TA TA
2006-11-20 06:36:25 · answer #4 · answered by Ted0712 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
a guy on trip in Spain is going right into a cafe and right this moment encounters a scrumptious aroma. He figures out that's coming from a dish being served to a guy close to him and so he calls the waiter and asks, "what's that guy over there ingesting? It smells super!" The waiter says, "those are the bull testicles from the bullfight this morning, Senor." the guy is slightly bowled over at this, yet orders them nonetheless, and specific sufficient, they're scrumptious. He comes returned the subsequent day and orders the comparable element. He shows it as stable as till now, yet is slightly disillusioned by the skimpy length of the dish. So he calls the waiter as quickly as greater and complains, "it became into nevertheless stable, yet you probably did no longer supply me very plenty!" The waiter replies, "Si, Senor, on occasion the bull wins."
2016-10-04 04:23:38 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Q: Why do blondes wear ponytails?
A: To hide the valve stem!
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.
Imitation of a blonde refuelling..
(Flap hand, blowing air into ears)
Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool?
A: Air Pockets
2006-11-20 07:57:06 · answer #6 · answered by Julie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A little bird was flying through the rainforest when it heard something calling out. It flew down and found an elephant stuck in a mud hole. Hello Mr Elephant can I help? No but go and gat the King o the jungle Mr Lion. Off the bird went and found him at home. Told him the problem so he got his Porsche from the garage and a tow rope and followed the bird to the elephant on pulled him out. The elephant was so grateful that he told him he was now his buddy and anytime he was in trouble he could call on him. …………And the months rolled by until one day the elephant was walking through the forest and he could hear a cry for help. Sounds like my buddy he thought. He found him in the same mud hole! Go get Mr Lion said the bird. Off went the elephant, crashing through the forest to the lion’s house. Knocked on the door, no answer, rushed to Mr Rhino’s house and was told Mr Lion had gone on holiday just that morning. Panic set in, he rushed to see the little bird who had now sunk up to his wing-pits. Little bird sorry Mr Lion was not in. I’ll have to get you out myself. With that he reversed up to the hole and stuck his tail out, but the bird couldn’t reach it. He tried with his trunk, still couldn’t reach. Oh no he thought but then I am a bull elephant with one other very large appendage and with that he pushed it out as far as he could reach. The little bird held on tightly with its beak and was pulled out! ……………….
And the moral of the story is if you’ve got a c**k like an elephant you don’t need a Porsche to pull a bird!!!!
2006-11-20 06:42:54 · answer #7 · answered by ask this dummy 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
awww....im sorry u feel bad heres one that made me giggle! lol
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: " Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and you can set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself......
I don't f *** ing think so.
hope this made you feel a lil better
2006-11-20 06:35:22 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
On The Edge
A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying. "Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a ******** before you do it?" "My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So I might as well." After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?" The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."
2006-11-20 06:34:43 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
There was two lions walking down Blackpool seafront and one turned to the other and said isn't it Quiet for a bank holiday.
2006-11-20 06:37:28 · answer #10 · answered by Grumpy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋