i could really use a laugh
2006-11-20 09:07:47 · 15 answers · asked by Sami 4 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
2006-11-20 09:10:31 · answer #1 · answered by your wonderwall 5 · 6⤊ 0⤋
Female Hormones
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
13 Things PMS Stands For:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff...... ..And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect
Pass this onto your girlfriends who might need a good laugh! Or men
who
need a warning! And remember: Money talks...chocolate sings.
Another giggle... My boyfriend, unhappy with my mood swings, bought
me a mood-ring to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his
forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy diamonds.
Have some chocolate.
2006-11-20 17:16:33 · answer #2 · answered by LAUGHING MAGPIE 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Q) A man Leaves Home and starts running, he keeps running till he makes a left, runs some more and makes another left, and runs even more and makes another left. When he gets back home he is approached by two men in masks. Who are they?
A) Catcher and umpire in baseball
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
Q) What is green and sings?
A) Elvis Parsley... got this one from laffy taffy
2006-11-20 17:13:36 · answer #3 · answered by Mikey 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She managed to trip over my cordless phone.
On the bottom of the job application where it said 'Sign Here' she wrote 'Aquarias'.
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
She told me to meet her on the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
She tried to place a bag of M&M's in alphabetical order.
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
She took a ruler to bed so she could see how long she slept.
When she got an AM radio, it took her 10 month to figure out she could use it at night.
She spent 25 minutes staring at the Orange juice box cos it said - "concentrate"
She got stabbed in a Shoot out.
She used to sit on the tv so she could watch the couch.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
She thinks Eartha Kitt is a set of gardening tools.
When she saw the sign for YMCA she said: "LOOK, they've spelled MACY's wrong!!!"
She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".
She tried to drown a fish.
If you offered her a Penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.
She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
She took a Spoon to the Super Bowl.
It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
She asked for a Price-check at the 'Everythings a Pound' store.
They had to burn her school down to get her outta 4th grade.
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
When I was drowning in a lake and screaming out for a life saver she asked: "Grape or Cherry?"
She thought Meow Mix was a record for Cats.
She thought that Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2. 1 to hold the Diet Irn-Bru and the other to call on 'Daddddyyy'
~~~~ANIMAL JOKES~~~~~~~
A preacher is buying a parrot.
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"
Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"
~~~~LAWYER JOKES~~~
A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night.
"Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit."
"Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, you idiot! We have been living off of that money for five years!"
An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
~~~REDNECK JOKES~~~~
You might be a redneck if...
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
2006-11-20 17:09:37 · answer #4 · answered by qųěęŋ ŏf ħęãŗţş 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies "Argh it's driving me nuts!
2006-11-20 17:10:37 · answer #5 · answered by Abby 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I'd tell you a joke about a pencil...................but..... it has no point.
Hehehe..
That's my favorite joke of all time, but most people think it's stupid :)
Oh, wait I forgot my really naughty "your momma joke" This one kills me too...hehe..
Your mamma's so fat and hairy when she gets out of the shower it's like "Gorillas in the Mist"
Yeah, I like cheesy jokes. hehee.
2006-11-20 17:09:25 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Whats long and thin, covered in skin, red in parts, and you shove in tarts.
RHUBARB
What would you do if a big dog was peeing up your leg ??
Let it finish.
2006-11-20 17:11:23 · answer #7 · answered by Emma B 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
your momma is so short u can see her feet on her drivers license
give me 10 points plz
2006-11-20 17:19:50 · answer #8 · answered by Jose S 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
What's Woody Woodpecker's girlfriend's name?
Suzy Splintercunt.
What's green and smells like pork?
Kermit's finger.
2006-11-20 17:11:36 · answer #9 · answered by sectumsempra_avada_kedavra 3 · 1⤊ 5⤋
You know something that will drive people totally nuts? No?
I'll tell you tomorrow! ;-)
2006-11-20 17:10:41 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋