Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?


4. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister.

5. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?

6. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?

7. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?

8. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?

9. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?

10. A butcher in the market is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?

11. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?

12. What was the President's name in 1960?

answers will be posted soon.

2006-11-19 22:44:47 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, 'Guns don't kill people. I do.'

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving. A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.

2006-11-19 22:29:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to a porn shop to buy a blow up doll,so he walks in to the counter and asks the teller whats on special?The teller says that there two dolls for sale...a white blow up doll...and a muslim blow up doll.The guy asks "whats the difference?".The teller replies"well sir,you gota blow the white doll up by yourself,and the muslim blow up doll blows its self up!"

2006-11-19 22:25:41 · 16 answers · asked by darren_nnx 2

ok guys x-mas is almost here and I need a txt msg to send everyone. Any ideas?

2006-11-19 22:23:44 · 7 answers · asked by Natalie 1

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

2006-11-19 22:23:17 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a guy named Jimmy, and his town was being drowned by a flood. When the water was around his ankles, a fire truck came by saying, "Yo, Jimmy, need a lift?" "No, no, I'm fine God will save me." The fire truck left.

As the water reached his ribs a coast guard came by saying, "Jimmy! Need a lift?" "No! God will save me!" The coast guard went away.

When the water had reached Jimmy's head, a helicopter flew overhead. The driver shouted, "Jimmy! C'mon, I'll take u to safety!" "That's all right! God is bound to save me now!" The helicopter flew away.

Jimmy died. When he went to heaven, Jimmy asked God, "God, why didn't you save me?" God answers, "I sent you a fire truck, a coast guard, and a helicopter, what more do you want?!"

2006-11-19 22:20:43 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray...

"God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... "

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:

"Joe, meet me half way on this one...Buy a ticket!"

2006-11-19 22:17:30 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in Hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...

Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh, you're gonna hate Fridays

2006-11-19 22:13:02 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

2006-11-19 22:08:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

you're in a 2-storey house. on the ground floor is a room with 3 light switches and on the 1rst floor is a lamp. THAT'S ALL there is in this house! and you cannot see ANYTHING in the 1rst floor from the ground floor. Which switch lights the 1rst floor light knowing that you can go up and back down to check ONLY ONCE ?

2006-11-19 22:06:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm stuck in work for another 10hrs and need a laugh

2006-11-19 21:57:40 · 14 answers · asked by willygromit 3

A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop askes for his drivers license and the guy says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."

The cop askes for his registration and the guy says, "It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment. At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands it over and it is valid with the guys real name and information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says, "It's in the Glove compartment." The supervisor tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the guys name and everything seems in order.

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.

At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop had told him. The guy says "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"

2006-11-19 21:55:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Irishman, place two shovels against a wall and ask him to take his PICK !!!!!!

2006-11-19 21:17:29 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

2006-11-19 21:14:07 · 30 answers · asked by ANIL A 2

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

2006-11-19 21:04:04 · 4 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

I came across this guy's pic in an online quiz...having some difficulty guessing....Help needed

http://www.techfest.org/ozone/quiz/img/8a.jpg

2006-11-19 21:00:40 · 6 answers · asked by yahooligan 1

Once there was a Big surgeon in a small town. He and his son were just started travelling in a car from the town and got accident. The surgeon died on the spot and his son was taken to the operation theatre of the same hospital of the town in which the surgeon was working. Doctors decide to call another surgeon from the nearby city. When the surgeon comes into the operation theatre, immediately shouts by seeing the face of the boy " Ohhh NO ! I cant do operation of this boy... He is my son !!! " CAN U TELL ME THE RELATION BETWEEN THE CITY - SURGEON & THAT BOY ??

2006-11-19 20:57:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Turkey popped out of the oven
and rocketed in to the air;
It knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
Then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
There was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there had never been turkey before..
It blanketed every appliance,
it smeared every saucer and bowl;
There wasn't a way I could stop it;
that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scraped with displeasure
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
That I would never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.


~~~ HAPPY THANKSGIVING ~~~

2006-11-19 20:48:09 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-19 20:46:24 · 6 answers · asked by superman 1

can anybody tell me why a witch dont wear underwear while riding her broom??

2006-11-19 20:34:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

5 road signs that describe the female organ:

1. deep excavation
2. slippery when wet
3. STOP on red signal
4. slow down - curves and humps
5. men at work

2006-11-19 20:32:37 · 8 answers · asked by c3dr1c 3

i like to make my customers laugh, because the vast majority of them have so little to laugh about. Give me your best jokes, long, short, racist, sexist, i don't care, just make me laugh.

2006-11-19 20:24:48 · 7 answers · asked by KOkoweena 2

2 buddies in a middle of a drinking session:

BOB: hey tom, how come you still don't have a girlfriend? look at me, i've bagged 4 girls this week alone. don't you have someone you like?

TOM: (blushing) i do.. you're just too slow...

2006-11-19 20:24:08 · 6 answers · asked by c3dr1c 3

Once there was a man of 65 yrs.He used 2 buy Lottery tickets since last 35 yrs & never won a single dollar.He always kept his ticket in d pocket of his coat & now as he has low eye sight his son checks his ticket numbers in every sunday's news paper. And now he also has heart problems.
1 sunday,his son finds dat his father has won a million $ lottery. But,he is so much affraid 2 tell his father becos he knows his father has heart problem & will surely get an attack if he knows this.So,his son calls their family doctor & explains everything.The doctor takes responsibility 2 give d news 2 the old man.He goes 2 the old man carrying all heart related medicines & says"Good morning Uncle" Old man," Good Morning, my son" Doctor,"Tell me uncle,since how many yrs u buy lottery tickets".Uncle,"35 yrs my son, but, never won a single $". Doctor," Ok.Uncle, suppose u win a million $. what would u do?" Old man smiles,"ohh son,I would give u half from it". And the doctor gets a sudden Heart attack.

2006-11-19 20:22:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy was on a sea cruise, and was approached by a real ugly woman. She said, "Please sir, I've never been kissed, do you think you could ?" He shuddered, but kissed her anyway. Then she said, "Please sir, I've never been hugged, do you think you could ? He was getting irritated, but he gave in. She finally said, I've never made love, do you think we could ?" He picked her up, and threw her overboard, "There" he said, "now you're screwed !"

2006-11-19 20:21:17 · 6 answers · asked by sluggo1947 4

2006-11-19 20:19:41 · 2 answers · asked by lapaho 1

For sale, one wife, 48 years on the clock, good little runner, bodywork needs attention, repainted 7.30 this morning, upholstery not to bad, slight rattling sound at high speed, water system leaking slightly, runs sweet as a nut on two gin & tonics when rattling seems to stop, large boot, serviced regularly, only two previous owners, name your price will consider p/x for earlier model, must have current MOT.

2006-11-19 20:15:39 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

help, whats that riddle about the cabbige, fox and rabbit, the boy and a small wooden boat, that can only carry two?

i need answers, and an explination

2006-11-19 20:05:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

... ok. What's round and has a terrible temper? (hint: not mother-in-law)


free joke while you think:
A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
"Great," says the frog, "Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," said the psychic, "Next year - in biology class."

2006-11-19 20:04:28 · 5 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

2006-11-19 20:02:22 · 11 answers · asked by riyaz_kn123 1