Anyone got any good jokes?

Question

I'm stuck in work for another 10hrs and need a laugh

Answer 1

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."
The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach!"


A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods!
A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!

Answer 2

This guy just bought a new Mercedes and wanted to take it for a long drive after work. So he got onto the longest road he could find to his house and topped it off at 80 MPH....he then saw flashing red and blue lights in his rear veiw mirror and though to himself "That cop has nothing on me. I'm in a mercedes I can dust his ***!" So he topped it at 90, then 100, finally it hit him and he thought again "What the HELL am I doing!" He slowed down and pulled to the side of the road. The cop walks up to the car takes his license and registration without a word and says "Ok sir. This is my last pull over for the night and I don't want to have to go back and do any more paperwork, so if you can give me a damn good explanation that I haven't heard I will let you go!" The guy then looks at the cop and said "Officer my wife ran off with a cop last week, and I thought you were trying to bring her back!"

Answer 3

you be attentive to you're a Redneck while... a million. you're taking your dogs for a walk and you the two use a similar tree. 2. you may entertain your self for greater beneficial than quarter-hour with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your backyard quite than mow it. 5. you think of "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the extreme dive. 6. The Salvation military declines your furniture. 7. You grant to grant somebody the shirt off your lower back and that they don't elect it. 8. you have the close by taxidermist on velocity dial. 9. you come back from the sell off with greater beneficial than you took. 10. you hold a can of Raid on the kitchen table. 11. Your spouse can climb a tree swifter than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas checklist. 13. you hold flea and tick cleansing soap in the bathe. 14. you have been in touch in a custody combat over a looking dogs. 15. You bypass to the inventory automobile races and don't prefer a application. sixteen. you be attentive to what share bales of hay your automobile will carry. 17. you have a rag for a gas cap. 18. your place would not have curtains, yet your truck does. 19. You ask your self how provider stations shop their restroom's so sparkling. 20. you may spit without beginning your mouth. 21. you talk approximately your registration code personalised simply by fact your father made it. 22. Your lifetime purpose is to possess a fireworks stand. 23. you have an entire set of salad bowls and that all of them say "Cool Whip" on the area. 24. the biggest city you have ever been to is Walmart. 25. Your working television sits on suitable of your non-working television. 26. you have used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A twister hits your community and does $a hundred,000 properly worth of advancements. 28. you have used a rest room brush to scratch your lower back. 29. You neglected your 5th grade commencement given which you have been on jury accountability. 30. you think of rapid nutrition is hitting a deer at sixty 5. 31. if your family members tree would not branch.....

Answer 4

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Answer 5

Voted best Irish joke of 2006 !

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Answer 6

Hi there! This is my favorite joke in the world. Its a little long but you got 10 hrs right? Hope you enjoy.

A guy is sitting at a bar and feeling pretty buzzed up. He asks the bartender for another drink. He gulped that one down in no time. He then tells the bartender to give him one more before he hits the road. After that drink he gets off of the stool and falls on his ***. He gets up laughing. Again he tries to take another step and hits the floor. "Man. I know I didnt have that much too drink." He again gets up and tries it one more time. Flop.. He hits the floor again. " I give up, I dont know what the problem is" He says to himself and decides just to crawl home since he lives above the bar. In the morning he awakes and his wife asked him how much he had to drink the night before. "Not Much Why"? Well the bartender called this morning and said you forgot your wheel chair at the bar.

Answer 7

A woman went to the doctor complaining of feeling lethargic.After a thorough examination,he prescribed the male hormone testosterone for her.Two months later she returned to the doctor.
"The hormones you've been giving me have really helped," she said,"But I'm worried that the dosage is too high because I've started growing hair in places where I've never grown hair before."
"That's nothing to worry about," said the doctor reassuringly."A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone.Now where exactly has the hair appeared?"
"On my balls!"

Answer 8

An Irish plastic surgeon sat down in front of a rip roaring open fire..



And Melted

ho ho bum bum

Michael

I'll get me coat

Answer 9

2 eggs are boiling in a pan, one male and one female. The female says to the male, "look, i've got a crack" the male replies "no point telling me, i'm not hard yet!"

Answer 10

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."