What are some good jokes?

Question

FUNNY JOKES, not too long, adult or not... Need some new jokes that actually make me laugh...

Answer 1

=A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"


=A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him.
"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol."

"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'

Q:How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A:Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.


= A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. ''Hello there,'' says the man, ''and what is your name?''
''Hello,'' giggles the woman, ''I'm Stacey. What's yours?''

''I'm Jim.''

''Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??''

''Sure!'' replies Jim, ''Let's go!''

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. ''Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,'' Jim says.

''Yes? And what about it?'' asks Stacey.

''Is it your brother?''

''No, it isn't, Jim!'' Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, ''Is it your husband?''

Stacey giggles even more, ''No, silly!'' Jim was relieved.

''Then, it must be your boyfriend!''

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, ''No, silly!!''

''Then, who is it?'' Jim asks.

Stacey replies, ''That's me BEFORE my operation!!''



= One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?''

''No, I guess not,'' says God.

The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.

Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?''

To this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?''

Q:What's the first thing to come out of a man's penis when he has sex?
A:The wrinkles!


=Once a lady wanted to leave the U.S.A. but couldn't get a visa. One day, she met a man who told her not to dispair.
"l'll let you sneak aboard my captain's ship and take you to France, but you have to screw me every time I bring you food, okay?"

She accepted, and for about three months the guy brought her food and water and then she screwed him. This went on for about 3 months, at which point she was discovered by the captain. The captain asked what she was doing and she said a man was taking her to France if she screwed him every time he brought her food.

The captain replied, "He sure is screwing you - this is the New York Ferry."


=Yo' mama so nasty, I asked what was for dinner and she spread her legs and said "Crabs!"

Q: What do a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

A: Someone is going to lose a trailer.

=your momma is so dumb that she sits on the t.v. and watches the couch.

Q: why can't you eat snack cakes while you are wearing makeup?
A: because you can't eat little debbie, while mary kay is on your face.

Q: what did one tampon say to the other tampon?
A: nothing they were both stuck up c u n t s.

Q: why is it so quite why bunnies have sex?
A: it's because of the cotton balls.

ok ya they are kinda stupid but that about all I have

Answer 2

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

Answer 3

Men are like bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like the weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like blenders.
You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like department stores.
Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like government bonds.
They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Answer 4

A guy goes to the doctor because of hemroids. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells him to come back in a month.
The man goes home and looks at the medicine, he never saw a suppository before, so he asks his wife how he should take them. She says, "I don;t know, maybe you melt them in your coffee."
A month goes by and the man goes back to the doctor. The doctor asks him, "Well, how did things go, are things any better?"
The guy says, "Doc, not only did those things taste bad, but for all the good they did me, I may as well have been shoving them up my rear end."

Answer 5

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.

A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts.......
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"



A little boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His mother told him they did not have any money for a bike. But she told him if he would tell Jesus what a good boy he would be, maybe Jesus would allow him to have one.

The little boy sat down to write Jesus a letter. As he began the letter..."Dear Jesus I will be good for one year..." He scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one month..." Then he scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one whole week...." In his disgust he tore up the paper and went for a walk.

As he walked he passed by the local church were there was a Nativity scene. He began to run as fast as he could and, when he past by the figure of Mary, grabbed her up and ran home. He ran in the front door and to his room. There he began a new letter that started..."Dear Jesus if you ever want to see your mother again..."


A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed..

The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son.
Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear
the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Don't you start that crap in here," the priest says.


Ex President Bill Clinton and President George W. Bush are riding on a train with a spectacular blond woman and a fat old one. The train goes through a tunnel turning the car dark, and there is a loud audible slap. When the train emerges, there is a red handprint across Clinton's cheek. Each person had their own thought of the incident:

The Sexy Blond: That dirty old Clinton! He must have wanted to touch me, but instead he felt the fat woman up and she smacked him.

The Fat Woman: That scoundrel Clinton! He must have tried kissing the blond girl, and she smacked him.

Clinton: Bush must have touched the blond, and she smacked me by mistake.

Bush: I hope we go through another tunnel soon, so I can smack Clinton again!


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Mary; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Tom. He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead


There were three nuns they all told the priest that they were going to do 1 sin each.So the priest says ok,do your sins, come back, and i'll bless you.So they went to do their sins and came back to get blessed.The priest asked the 1st one who was laughing what her sin was.She said."Ihad sex with a guy."The priest said ok,blessed her and said go drink some holy water.So she did ! The next 1 was laughing harder,and the priest aked her what her sin was,She said,"Igot in a fight with another nun."So he says ok,blessed her and told her to go and drink some holy water.So she did ! The priest aked the last one who was laughing even harder what she did.And as she was laughing she said , "I pissed in the holy water !"


so there was this girl. her mom was teaching her how to stop a sexual abuse. so she said
"if a guy touches your upper private part you say 'DON'T' if he touch your bottom private part you say 'STOP' ok?"
she understood.the next day she came home crying so her mom ask what was wrong and she answered "a man touched my private part"
"which part?" her mom asked. then she answered "the upper"
"what did you say?" her mom asked again."don't" the girl said
"that's good," her mom answered "then?"
"he touched my bottom part" she exclaimed. "what did you say?" her mom asked again. "stop" she said. "that's good. then?" her mom asked again
"then he touch both part so i said 'don't,stop,don't,stop,don't stop'"
her mom fainted.

Answer 6

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and told my father, "We did everything we could ... but he pulled through."

I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I'm so ugly ... my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Answer 7

Q. A blonde and a brunette jump off a building. Who hits the groind first?

A. The brunette, because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

LOL!

Answer 8

I love the chicken cross the road jokes they so awesome

Answer 9

yo mama's so old that she babysat cain and abel

yo mama's house is so small that she can only fit an extra large pizza

yo mama's so ugly even phantom of the opera agree

ok so monica lewinsky and her friend willy the whale is swimming in the sea later they saw a ship. so willy said to monica "hey let's turn that ship over with our blow holes"
monica answered "i don't know..."
"c'mon" willy said and monica agreed so they turned the ship over.
"now let's swallow them" willy said
"Look! i agreed to the ******** but i never agreed to swallow any seamen" monica exclaimed

Answer 10

a pirate walks in to a bar and the bartender,"hey pirate,why do u have a steeringwhell" rrr its driven me nuts!!!