Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

2007-03-05 00:08:45 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-04 23:15:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sam wakes up at home with a huge hangover. Forcing him to open his eyes, the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and notices his clothes in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room is all spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He notices a note on the table, "Sweetheart, your breakfast is on the stove. I had to leave early to go shopping. Love you."

So, he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is sitting at the table, eating.

"What happened last night, son?" Sam asks.

His son replies, "Well, you came home after 3:00 AM, very drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and passed out"

Confused, Sam asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean?"

"Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Lady, leave me alone. I'm married!"

2007-03-04 23:12:25 · 9 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

2007-03-04 23:08:45 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

An office block contains a very long corridor, containing 100 doors in a row, numbered from 1 to 100 inclusive. By a very odd coincidence, there are also 100 people working along this corridor. One day, one of these people comes into the corridor and closes all of the doors. After this person has left, a second person enters the corridor and, starting with door 2, opens every second door.

After this is completed, a third person comes along and, starting at door 3, checks every third door, opening it if it is closed, and closing it if it is open. After this, a fourth person comes along, and checks every fourth door, opening it if it is closed and closing it if it is open. This continues for the 5th, 6th, 7th person and so on until the 100th person comes and checks the 100th door, opening it if it is closed and closing it if it is open. (The 5th person checks every 5th door, the 6th person checks every 6th door and so on.)

After the 100th person has come and left, how many of the 100 doors on the corridor are closed?

NOTE: The 3rd person will check doors number 3, 6, 9, ... up to door 99 and then leave. Similarly, the 7th person checks doors 7, 14, 21, ... up to door 98 and then leaves and so on.

2007-03-04 22:54:33 · 9 answers · asked by mad dawg 1

Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, so he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

One evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million pounds."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

2007-03-04 22:48:09 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

He was having trouble sleeping, the doctors asks him basic questions, ' Have you tried counting sheep?' 'Yes' replied the boxer, 'but, that doesn't work, i keep getting up when I get to 9'

2007-03-04 22:27:18 · 18 answers · asked by Yokay Booboo 3

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the
electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and
they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber,
the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his
friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

2007-03-04 22:17:57 · 21 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

How can you clasp someone's hands together in such a manner that they cannot leave the room without unclasping them?

2007-03-04 22:15:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two foreign terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his rear!
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot," lamented the first man. "It is permanently stuck in my rear."
"I do not understand," said the second man.
The first man says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No sh*t?"

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

2007-03-04 22:14:48 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A burglar is breaking into a home and as he comes into the living room he hears " God is watching you".

Upon hearing this he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner and says," What is your name?”

The bird replies," Moses". The burglar laughs and says, " What kind of idiot names their parrot Moses?!"

And the bird replies " The same idiot who named his Rottweiler - God ."

2007-03-04 22:14:15 · 10 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

I know this joke is stoopid but its short so I remember it... What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a penis?
Answer A man.

2007-03-04 22:09:13 · 6 answers · asked by Juliette 3

An unfortunate soul gets washed up on a tropical island.

Soon he's captured by cannibals and put in a huge pot. The unfriendly tribe light a fire underneath and put vegtables in the pot with the unlucky sailor.

The tribal leader starts dancing around the pot, making alot of noise and stabbs the sailor with his spear...... The sailor bursts out laughing.

The chief, stops for a second, taken aback by the reaction of the sailor. But dances around the pot and stabs the saiolor again.

Again the sailor laughs, The chief now a little bemushed dances himself into a frenzy and stabs the sailor as hard as he can...... this time the sailor is in hysterics.

The chief stops the dancing and questions the sailor "Why, you laugh?? We capture you, put you in a pot of boiling water and vegetbles, stab you.... and you laugh???"

The sailor wipe the tears of laughter away and replies, "Evertime you stab me with your spear, I'm Sh*tting in your soup!!"

2007-03-04 22:05:15 · 6 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

2007-03-04 22:02:10 · 16 answers · asked by name game.com 2

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."

2007-03-04 21:57:32 · 17 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

I am always amused when admiring the different hat sizes ... if George Bush wore a nice big dunces hat would that make him better - - i know making him smarter is another question

2007-03-04 21:57:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Aspire to inspire before you expire...

My husband and I had words, but I didn't get to use any of mine...

Frustration is trying to find your glasses WITHOUT your glasses...

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting...

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere...

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question...

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one...

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

'Night all!

2007-03-04 21:51:29 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Political Correctness For Kids
Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage restrictive."

Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor retentive athletic footwear."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

2007-03-04 21:49:51 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OUCH: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it off.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

2007-03-04 21:44:52 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

March 3 was my fiancy birthday day. We started on February 7. She has left 250 km for Job purpose. I want to make her feel like a million dollars if she comes back on the 10th. I need your help.

2007-03-04 21:44:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Chris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears and running from the room.

Confused, Chris goes looking for his son. He finally finds him in the backyard, crying. Chris sits down beside him, puts his arm around his son's shoulder and asks him what's wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!"

"If you're now going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have s*x, I've got nothing left to live for!"

2007-03-04 21:38:30 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Doberman in a playground

2007-03-04 21:37:50 · 13 answers · asked by tanya800 2

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MOVIES
A woman's idea of a good movie is one in which one person dies very slowly. A man's idea of a good movie is one in which lots of people die very fast.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

MARRIAGE
A woman often can't remember why she married her husband. A man often has no idea why his wife divorced him.

2007-03-04 21:30:26 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's s*xu*l harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's d*mination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a sl*b.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

2007-03-04 21:26:36 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

i used to go to 202fm but the web site changed and there was a clip of a mind selling an orange with out sound and he pull it out of his mouth peace by peace untill he has a whole orange with the sticker and the outher guy was impressed so he gose to buy orange juice from the mind and the mind shows he the glass and the sound comes back and he starts vomiting in the glass and goes ta da

2007-03-04 21:24:06 · 5 answers · asked by Lil_Ron 2

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died. As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sxx until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

2007-03-04 21:22:44 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How likely is it that my husband will be there to help me as my pregnancy progresses?
A: You can completely trust him to be there at the time of cxncxption.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sxx?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

2007-03-04 21:16:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-04 21:14:54 · 16 answers · asked by scorpion 1

The Initiation

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest tells them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sxx for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sx for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.

The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sxx for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.

The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sxx for two weeks?"

2007-03-04 21:11:52 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Not a Gentleman
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again the mother's says, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.

On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now."

"You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sxx!"

Professionals
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a tiny bikini strolled passed.

The woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sxxy voice, "Hi there handsome. How you're doing?" before wiggling her backside and walking off.

2007-03-04 21:07:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous