Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

2007-03-05 07:49:04 · 24 answers · asked by little_hen_uk 3

2007-03-05 07:38:41 · 6 answers · asked by noori_memon 1

2007-03-05 07:36:03 · 6 answers · asked by Mystro 5

2007-03-05 07:32:44 · 16 answers · asked by little_hen_uk 3

I just ate my breakfast and got ready for work. When I got to the garage, I found my 2 year old Keying the side of my volkswagen beetle. I grabbed him up and throttled the little terror. My wife came out wondering what was going on. I told her what the little dipstick did. I put him down and as he clutched his teeth I gave him the gears. I told him that he was starting bug me. My wife said to calm down that he was just exhausted from horsing around.So, I put my self in full reverse and stormed in the house mumbling. that kids drives me crazy. I was in low gear from that. I needed another coffee. So, I sat down and shifted sideways to grab the coffee cylinder. As I drank my coffee I reclined in my chair and got the wheels turning in my head. What to do? I could take the belt to him but thought better of it. So, I told myself not to be so hard on the little sportster. He's got licence to be a boy once. I went to the car, got in and pulled out. Before I left I said to my son, Bye Herbie.

2007-03-05 07:32:13 · 4 answers · asked by zzap2001 4

or in any other form except fresh.

2007-03-05 07:28:57 · 19 answers · asked by Rebel 2

A man walks into a morgue to see a dead man. The mortician says "I'm sorry, only family members are allowed to see the deceased". To which the man replies, "I am related to this man and I must see him". The mortician asks how the man is related and the guy answers; "brothers and sisters, I have none, but this guys father is my fathers son." The man is allowed to see the deceased. How are they related?

2007-03-05 07:26:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The joke is:

1) What do you call a black person who flies a plane?

The answer is:

A pilot, you fu**ing racist.


Why is this funny?

2007-03-05 07:25:15 · 10 answers · asked by mattmannwo 2

2007-03-05 07:19:43 · 8 answers · asked by spy1ke 1

In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

2007-03-05 07:17:06 · 5 answers · asked by Rebel 2

three only please

2007-03-05 07:06:56 · 13 answers · asked by skellyskeldon 4

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Milton Keynes University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average mature person can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is f@rt cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

2007-03-05 06:44:06 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

In Honor of Stupid People . . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap --
"Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?)

2007-03-05 06:43:59 · 9 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

2007-03-05 06:40:16 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about the fool who broke his arm while raking leaves?
Yeah, fell out of the damn tree.

2007-03-05 06:38:55 · 3 answers · asked by zzap2001 4

I mean, okay, so you have to do a bit of digging first, but getting really dirty's half the fun, isn't it?

2007-03-05 06:37:16 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde is on her honeymoon when her new husband asks, "baby am I your first?"
She replied "Why does everyone always ask me that?
YES!"

2007-03-05 06:36:34 · 10 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

2007-03-05 06:34:23 · 11 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

In this world such questions r twist our minds.

2007-03-05 06:33:11 · 29 answers · asked by nish 1

can i sue the c*nt for compensation?

2007-03-05 06:26:02 · 5 answers · asked by qwerty 3

Marriage Jokes and One-liners



The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that
perhaps they're too old to do it.

Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is
talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.


My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There's water in the
carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

2007-03-05 06:23:28 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a letter from Walmart to a lady & her husband:

Mr. & Mrs. Fenton are retired, & Mrs. Fenton insists her husband go with her to Walmart, but he gets bored with all the shopping trips. He prefers to get in & out, but Mrs. Fenton loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to Mrs. Fenton

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past 6 months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We can’t tolerate this behavior & may ban both of you from our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. All complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below.

Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse was shopping in Walmart:

1)June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2) July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3) July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4) July 19: Walked up to an employee & told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... & watched what happened.
5) August 4: Went to the Service Desk & asked to put a bag of M&M's on Lay away.
6) September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7) September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department & told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8) September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry & asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9) October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a Mirror, picked his nose.
10) November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11) December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" Theme.
12) December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" Using different size funnels.
13) December 18: Hid in a clothing rack & when people browse through, Yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14) December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
Assumes the fetal position and screams "NO ! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

And last, but not least ......

15) December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
Awhile, Then yelled very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Best regards,
Walmart

2007-03-05 06:20:35 · 29 answers · asked by Feline05 5

3 men go into a hotel a book a room for a night which is $30, they split the cost between tm so it is only $10 each. after a while the manager comes down and tells the staff that they charged too much for a room and it was only $25. the employee then goes and gives the 3 men $5, but then he thinks that they are not going to be able to split it between them, so he takes $2 from it and keeps it so then he gives the 3 men $1 each.
so the men payed $10 each that = $30 then they got back $3 so that then = $27 then the employee took $2 but that only comes to $29. where did the other $ go ????

2007-03-05 06:13:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Farmer Reed had just died and Mrs Reed went to the local newspaper to put in an obituary notice for him, The guy at the desk says it's ten pounds for 7 words, she being Aberdonian nearly fainted, my that's awful expensive son she said, I was only going to make it short can I not pay by the word...the guy says 10 quid for seven words is not really expensive...she said I was only going to put in four words, can I not just pay for them...the Guy says sorry it's a fixed price what were you wanting to say?? She looked upwards and said sincerely JOHN REED PETERHEED DEED(scottish accent) The guy says well that's short right enough can you not think of anything else to say....she thought about it and said no that's it, not much for 10 pounds...the guy say's well if you think of anything else when you get home give me a call and i'll add it....she gets home and she phoned the guy and said i've thought of another 3 words...he says ok what is it.she says JOHN REED PETERHEED DEED TRACTOR FOR SALE

2007-03-05 06:12:35 · 5 answers · asked by William C 2

A man comes home from work and sits in his favourite chair, turned on the television and said to his wife, "quick bring me a beer before it starts".
She looked a little puzzled but brought him his beer.
When he had finished he said, "quick bring me another beer, it's going to start".
This time she looked a little angry but brought him his beer.
When it was gone he said,"quick, get me another beer before it starts".
"That's it", and she starts to blow her top.
"You *******! You waltz in here, flop your fat **** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave fetching you beer after beer. Don't you realise that I cook, clean, wash and iron all day long?"


The husband sighed and said, "Oh ****, it's started".

2007-03-05 06:05:12 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

mmmh.i might be pyjamas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-03-05 06:01:50 · 6 answers · asked by luc 1

2007-03-05 06:00:48 · 8 answers · asked by Aashish R 1

My wife came up to me this morning as I was out the door and asked me, Honey, can you pick me up some diapers? So, I told her, well that depends sweatheart, I have to attend a meeting after work and I may be late because I may get pampered about my raise.

2007-03-05 05:57:56 · 6 answers · asked by zzap2001 4

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you
keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit
over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

2007-03-05 05:53:17 · 22 answers · asked by graciegirl 5

YOU CAN'T SAY WE DO NOT KEEP OUR PROMISE!

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his

money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he

died, he said to his wife, " When I die, I want you to take all my

money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the

afterlife with me. " And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he

died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in

black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the

ceremony,just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the

wife said, " Wait just a minute! "

She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the

casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled

it away.

Her friend said, " I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband. "

The loyal wife replied " Listen, I ' m a Christian; I can ' t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in That Casket with him. "

" You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!? "

"I sure did " said the wife.

" I got it all together, put it into my

account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it. "

2007-03-05 05:49:07 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous