Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

Yesterday, scientists for the FDA suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

2007-03-04 21:01:12 · 15 answers · asked by Jay A 3

13 Children
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room.

She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking, and she asks about his life. He talks about his wife and their 13 children.

"My, my," says the nun, "13 children. A good and proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you."

"I'm sorry, Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Baptist."

"Baptist?" she replies. "You sxx maniac!"

What is Sxx?
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sxx?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

2007-03-04 21:00:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

My mother taught me CONSIDERATION FOR OTHERS....
"I just scrubbed that floor. Go outside and bleed in the entry."

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

2007-03-04 20:55:04 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, a spaceship landed in a young married couple's backyard. The aliens came out of the ship and looked very human, so the couple invited them in for dinner.

The humans decided it would be very cool to switch partners for the night and have sex with an alien. The aliens agreed and they each took a bedroom.

The alien man and the human woman were getting started, when the man asked if she thought his member was big enough. She said, "Well it's a bit skinny."

He said, "okay then, twist my right ear." She did and it got bigger.

Then she said, "It's a bit short."

He said, "Twist my left ear." It got longer.

Later on, each couple reunited and the humans were talking privately. The woman asked the man how it was for him. He said, "It would have been a hell of a lot better if she didn't keep twisting my ears."

2007-03-04 20:51:52 · 12 answers · asked by Jay A 3

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

2007-03-04 20:48:22 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE, THAT CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

2007-03-04 20:46:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

This poem was written by an african child Wnen i born i black When i grow up i black when i go in the sun i black when i scared i black when i sick i black and when i die i black But you white fella when you born ypu pink when you grow up you white when you go in sun you red when you cold you blue when you sick you green and when you die you grey and you callin me colourd """

knock knock ?
who,s there?
luke?
luke who?
luke through the key hole and you,ll see

knock knock?
who,s there?
lettuce?
lettuce who?
lettuce in and you,ll find out

I found a dirty old lamp last week. When I tried to clean it, a genie appeared instantaneously, and granted me 3 wishes. My first mistake was to exclaim: 'Well, bxgger me!'

2007-03-04 20:35:02 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

She could "run faster" than her brothers

2007-03-04 20:29:06 · 11 answers · asked by quilm 3

"Kahiin to hoga" that drama serial from star plus..suddenly disappeared from the TV. What happened? Is it over? if yes then what happened in the end?Kashish got married to sujal and mehaks child was kidnappened.what happened next? will there be a part-II coming?

2007-03-04 20:17:10 · 3 answers · asked by kiran 1

If you give her enough Wool she'l make you one too !!

2007-03-04 20:00:07 · 11 answers · asked by Red5 5

A wild turkey walks into a bar, the bartender asks: "What are you?" The wild turkey replies: " I am a wild turkey." The bartender replies: "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The wild turkey asks: "You have a drink named Kevin?!"

2007-03-04 19:56:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

a guy was talking to a young lady he'd met in the bar of the hotel where he was staying and after a few drinks he asked her would you go to bed with me for a million pounds? of course she replied.
Welllll, would you go to bed with me for five pounds he asked her, certainly not she replied, what sort of girl do you think I am.
That has already been established, he replied all we have to do is agree the price.

2007-03-04 19:47:28 · 19 answers · asked by billtheangler 5

Alright, I have this picture of one of my cousins, every body always picks on him all the time, he is real hick like, and I have this funny picture of him, just with a stupid redneck Shyt eatin' grin on his face, he is missing teeth by the way, he is about 140 pounds, skinny as a rail, Redneck attire on. I am trying to think of something funny to write on the picture (with use of Photoshop) and send it to my uncle, but I cannot think of anything funny enough, I wish I could post pictures on here and I would show you... I don't know.. Any Ideas? ((I have seen stranger questions asked before))

2007-03-04 19:34:36 · 3 answers · asked by Korbyn's Mama 2

holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both of my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 87 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

2007-03-04 19:13:49 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-04 18:26:58 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what’s going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, “Pardon me. May I help you with something.”

The blind man says, “No thanks. I’m just looking around.”

2007-03-04 18:26:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-04 18:20:57 · 12 answers · asked by Hubbabubbaloo 1

Haha! =)

2007-03-04 17:20:57 · 15 answers · asked by Bianca 2

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , Iwas quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me I Iooked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I
tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor,
> but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an
> Oscar Meyer Wiener".

2007-03-04 17:18:36 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-04 17:00:48 · 8 answers · asked by Edward T 1

2007-03-04 16:48:49 · 4 answers · asked by ishybug03 4

If you were stranded on an island with 2 girls, one has 3 boobs and no vagina, and the other had no mouth and 3 buttcheeks which would you choose as a girlfriend!

2007-03-04 16:48:40 · 3 answers · asked by ☆♥•´`•.¸ ;-) •´`•.¸ ♥☆ 4

this one i took from the beautiful movie"THE LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL".

2007-03-04 16:48:26 · 12 answers · asked by rathi 1

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the boy was riding.

The man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy & man said they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story is;
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ***
goodbye".

2007-03-04 16:44:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

i'm expecting funny answers

2007-03-04 16:27:34 · 25 answers · asked by Meghan C 2

i am the at the start of the day and at the start of sickness and at the end of happiness i am in every star what am i (who ever can solve this first will get 10 points)

2007-03-04 16:22:22 · 12 answers · asked by Dallas M 1

The old professor visited his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seemed fine. The doctor proceeded to ask him about his sxx life.

"Well," the professor drawled, "not bad at all, to be honest. The wife isn't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week, I was able to pick-up and bxd at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old!"

"My goodness, and at your age too," the doctor commented. "I hope you at least took some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I'm not senile yet, Doc. I gave 'em all a phony name and phone number."

2007-03-04 15:51:43 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Study this paragraph and all things in it. What is vitally wrong with it? Actually, nothing in it is wrong, but you must admit that it is most unusual. Don't just zip through it quickly, but study it scrupulously. With luck you should spot what is so particular about it and all words found in it. Can you say what it is? Tax your brains and try again. Don't miss a word or a symbol. It isn't all that difficult?

2007-03-04 15:22:03 · 19 answers · asked by Veruca Salt 6

2007-03-04 15:13:09 · 23 answers · asked by tines 1

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday cash I need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my wallet is a $50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about people getting upset with me.

ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."

IT: "Is that it?"

ME: "Yep."

IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"

ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny and says

IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them.

IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

MG: "No. A what?"

IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."

IT: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says

IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

IT: "I don't know."

ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"

IT: "Yeah."

ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"

IT: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and . . .

IT: "He says I have to take it."

MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."

MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE."

IT: "What should I do?"

MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."

IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."

MG: "Just tell him."

IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says

MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night."

[it was 8pm and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor

mall with 100 other stores.]

ME: "Well, here's a two."

MG: "We don't take *those* either."

ME: "Why the hell not?"

MG: "I think you *know* why."

ME: "No really, tell me, why?"

MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."

ME: "Excuse me?"

MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."

ME: "What the hell for?"

MG: "Please, sir."

ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

MG: "Would you please just leave?"

ME: "No."

MG: "Fine, have it your way then."

ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]

SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."

SG: "Really? What?"

MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."

SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]

MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has

is a fifty."

SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"

MG: "NO, the $2 is."

SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"

MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

SG: "Yeah..."

Security guard walks over to me and says . . .

SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

ME: "Uh, no."

SG: "Lemme see 'em."

ME: "Why?"

SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I said

ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says:

SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

MG: "It's fake."

SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."

MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."

SG: "Yeah?"

MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon things, too. It makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.

2007-03-04 15:11:46 · 10 answers · asked by gravytrain036 5