Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

\but he`s not caus i`m elvis,and he has got me all shook up,i said,man, don`t, don`t be cruel, you`re the devil in disguise, baby, i asked him to treat me nice,but he`s trouble, i feel so bad,i can`t sleep, its always on my mind, im feeling lonesome tonight,my wife the psychiatric nurse said to me, you left the building long ago! what did she mean? she`s a hard headed woman,and my little girl said,don`t cry daddy,caus she cought me crying in the chapel, its just to much,but that`s all right, thank you very much

2007-03-04 09:41:25 · 13 answers · asked by olly 2

a guy is sittin at a bar. he's really wasted when all of a sudden he notices a jar of money on the top shelf. he calls the bartender over and asks, "hey, whass up with that money?" the bartender replies " that dough is waiting for the bravest man alive to win it." the man says "hell, i'm brave, whaddo i godda do?"
the bartender points to a sign that reads:
1. kill the rat in the back room.
2. pull one molar each from the two rottweilers in the yard.
3. screw 500 lb. bertha for an hour.
"i can do that!!!" the drunk proclaims. as the bartender shakes his head, the man stumbles off his stool and heads for the back room. several minutes later, he emerges covered in blood and fur. "one down, two to go!" he yells. he then goes outside and locks the gate behind him. after several more minutes of screaming and snarling, the man crawls through the door, torn to shreds and missing a few fingers. "okay, now where's the fat lady who needs some teeth pulled?"

2007-03-04 09:38:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

do any body know the words to the milky bar kid advert?

2007-03-04 09:33:17 · 14 answers · asked by David S 1

Love Juice

Little Johnny was watching TV in his room one night & decided to go & ask his mum & dad about something he'd just heard.

He goes downstairs & asks them "What's Love Juice?"

Dad is horrified & after looking at mum who's also gob smacked proceeds to give little Johnny the dreaded explanation.

Johnny sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement.

Dad finishes the talk & asks "So what is it you've been watching that you shouldn't he?"

Johnny replies

"Wimbledon."

2007-03-04 09:32:35 · 38 answers · asked by Tink 5

mark it out of ten http://youtube.com/watch?v=u_pb5nkkZ3c

2007-03-04 09:14:30 · 3 answers · asked by chris s 1

A guy who talked to some Jewish guys, some Christian guys, and some Islam guys, and accidentally caused more people to die than anyone else in human history.

And people wonder why he doesn't talk much to us anymore.

2007-03-04 09:10:57 · 9 answers · asked by f.u.c.k is u starin @ 1

Last year I heard Katie Couric say hers would be:

"Perky no more."

I've asked this before, but would like to read a new crop.

2007-03-04 09:03:41 · 7 answers · asked by Ron C 6

Ode to A Spell Cheque

eye halve a spelling chequer
it came with my pea sea
it plainly marques four my revue
miss steaks eye kin knot sea
eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say
weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh.
as soon as a mist ache is maid
it nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite
its rare lea ever wrong.
eye have run this poem threw it
i am shore your pleased two no
its letter perfect awl the weigh
my chequer tolled me sew.

2007-03-04 09:03:31 · 29 answers · asked by Tink 5

1. i skateboard
2. i like to play video games
3. i love my dog shadow very much
4. i am a artist and like to hang out with my friends
5. next year, if i turn this age, i will have a special party

take a guess!

2007-03-04 09:01:21 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

My dad caught me and said "son, you'll go blind doing that". So I replied, "dad im over here"!

2007-03-04 08:48:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-04 08:47:10 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-04 08:45:10 · 14 answers · asked by niki g 1

Hang on........ I might be two tents!

2007-03-04 08:39:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I love my husband but, I think he does have a few redneck days okay. I sometimes think Foxworthy and Larry the cable guy follow him around for new material.
Well the other day I was cleaning the house I lost my dust pan so I got out his shopvac to suck up the dust I had swept up. My year old son came over and started playing with the hose so I sucked his hair up as a joke (he loved it) and it crossed my mind that it was too bad I didn't have one of those vaccum hair cutter kits attached to the shop vac because the kid would love it. Then I thought oh my this has got to be one of those you have to be a redneck moments You know you might be a redneck if you use a shopvac to do your childrens hair.
I never ever would have done something like that before I got married. He (my husband)just laughed when I told him and said well you know ya can order them off the TV.

2007-03-04 08:36:21 · 6 answers · asked by emmandal 4

An all too meagre conundrum is spewed up, feast upon it if you will.



Can you name the one,
literary son of the Swan?
Murderer, suicide and general menace,
a tragedy not to understand more of Venice.




For the best answer REASONING should be stated.

A full solution will be posted.

2007-03-04 08:36:18 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Big or Small, wobbly or firm, boney or hard and always great to touch?

2007-03-04 08:36:00 · 20 answers · asked by kelly709904 3

A blonde goes riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

2007-03-04 08:31:38 · 42 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-03-04 08:31:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-04 08:22:35 · 23 answers · asked by gemma p 1

Ive been to all the local chinese take - aways but theres no wok on!

2007-03-04 08:19:55 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-04 08:19:19 · 35 answers · asked by lateashareyes 1

if one kid was drinking battery acid and another was eating fireworks.

Do you think the police would charge one and let the other one off?

2007-03-04 08:12:11 · 20 answers · asked by 2bitnobody 2

if u have 6 bears 3 white and 3 black and if u have 7 squares and u put three black bears in the right and 3 white bears in the left and theres one square in the middle.....how do i take the 3 white bear from the left to the right and the black bears to the right......i can only move 15 times but only sliding or going over another bear.......how do i get the to the oposite side?

2007-03-04 08:08:23 · 5 answers · asked by hugo M 1

I hear a clucking sound late at night but there is nothing there. Its scaring the hell out of me. I think it might be a poultry - giest!

2007-03-04 08:07:38 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny came home from school one day.

"Little Johnny, how was your field trip?" says Mom. "It was great!" replies Johnny. "All the little boys showed each other their balls. First we had to wash our balls. Then the lady in charge told us to put our balls into her hole. There were tons of them! Everyone did it. We just kept putting one into another after another. Every time we did it though, we had to wash our balls. Then the lady dried our balls clean."

"Johnny, maybe I should talk to your teacher about this lady! What has been going on?"

Little Johnny replies, "No mommy the lady owned a golf course!"

2007-03-04 08:07:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tall i am young
Short i am old
With Life i glow..

what am iiiiii

2007-03-04 08:05:04 · 8 answers · asked by Bawls 3

2007-03-04 07:59:31 · 18 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

A compliment...

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".

He never heard the shot..

2007-03-04 07:59:23 · 27 answers · asked by Tink 5

its hot and a liquid [hint]:its not water!

2007-03-04 07:56:26 · 13 answers · asked by uknown person here 1

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused when on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said: "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"

2007-03-04 07:55:48 · 18 answers · asked by Tink 5