Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

What to do if stuck in an elevator
1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
5. Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6. Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11. Ask, "Did you feel that?"

2007-03-04 11:37:42 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Im not trying to be mean or anything, so please PLEASE don't report me.

I am collecting these jokes for a culture class in sociology

2007-03-04 11:34:29 · 7 answers · asked by tardis1977 4

2007-03-04 11:32:23 · 13 answers · asked by tardis1977 4

Why Is A Mother Kangaroo Unhappy When it Rains?

(Its a joke)

and i need the anwser

2007-03-04 11:22:34 · 4 answers · asked by imakegirlzgoloco 2

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-03-04 11:19:40 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

who ever can tell the funniest and most original joke that actually makes me laugh wins 10 pts.

2007-03-04 11:14:07 · 14 answers · asked by TheApocalypticOrgasm 6

does anyone know any good jokes about bingo?

2007-03-04 11:13:54 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-04 11:08:58 · 3 answers · asked by Toilet 2

I was banging my husband's penis on his stomach and I called it "The Def Leppard". LMFAO!

2007-03-04 10:48:10 · 19 answers · asked by Nikki W 3

brandy makes you randy
gin makes you sin
but what gets u pregant ?

2007-03-04 10:45:32 · 19 answers · asked by dd 4

I got it a few months ago by e-mail. It had title Amazing.......
Words in it were; smell-o-vision ; thanks to new technology, through the internet you can now get smells from your monitor(something like that) I can't believe it! It actually works! Then it had a link you clicked that took you to another page (not a website) that had a black square in the upper right hand corner you were suppose to move your mouse over it and then go down to left bottom and move you cursor over a bouqet of roses.....I've found the roses and what it does but not the complete joke, the black square and all. Thanks in advance!

2007-03-04 10:40:04 · 2 answers · asked by flowerchild 2

could you be so kind as to answer it please?

2007-03-04 10:37:35 · 11 answers · asked by ?Sherbear ? 6

Do You Really Have To Be Smart To Be A Lawyer?

It must be such a relief for you to find out it's not only Football Commentators who say the stupidest things !

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers' Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:


"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"


"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"


"Were you present when your picture was taken?"


Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."


"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"


"Did he kill you?"


"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"


"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"


"How many times have you committed suicide?"


Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"


Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"


Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"


Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"


Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"


Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"


Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."


Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."


Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."


Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."


Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."


Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood.

2007-03-04 10:19:32 · 33 answers · asked by Tink 5

What is that supposed to mean?

2007-03-04 10:16:57 · 10 answers · asked by streetsofkerala 4

tell it!

2007-03-04 10:16:48 · 7 answers · asked by wamzy 2

nothing to mean!!!!!

2007-03-04 10:13:16 · 7 answers · asked by pix 1

2007-03-04 10:12:16 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was just over at my friends house, and she gave me some chocolate candies to eat.

They tasted like normal chocolate, but after I ate a few she told me they were really laxative squares!

What should I do? What's gonna happen? I've never had this before??

2007-03-04 10:11:58 · 19 answers · asked by Steve 1

have the Parthenon." The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians." The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire." And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says, "We invented sex." The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true, but it was Italians who introduced it to women."

2007-03-04 10:10:30 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Alright, it may suck, but here goes:

The Magical Pebbles

Arnold was walking in the park when he noticed a big, unused hunk of land. So he ran to his car, and brought out a jar full of pebbles. He sprinkled some onto a square of the land. Everyday, Arnold sprinkled more and more. Finally, Arnold had a circle with a cross in the middle. For each square, Arnold made a wish
“I wish I was married to my fiancé” he wished. When he wished onto that square, the pebbles swirled in the wind and disappeared. The next day, Arnold and his fiancé were married.
The second day, Arnold wished “I wish I had kids”
The next day, his wife became pregnant with twins. Everyday, Arnold made a wish.
On the last day, Arnold approached the last square of pebbles. He had all of this neat and cool stuff, but one thing made him unhappy. Arnold lay real close to the pebbles, and whispered “I wish I was divorced to my wife”.

2007-03-04 10:04:03 · 13 answers · asked by taylor ! 4

and
asked what was happening. The owner said, "Well,
I had him fixed today, and he's going around
canceling all his engagements."

2007-03-04 10:01:49 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is supposedly the funniest joke in the world according to innocentenglish.com. Tell me if you really think it's funny.

The funniest joke in the world:
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "Okay, now what?"

2007-03-04 09:59:48 · 23 answers · asked by Penelope 1

A duck walks into a pub

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck"!
"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the landlord, " sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him: "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call, he could earn thousands"
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says,"Hey Mr Duck I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?"
"That's right!" says the landlord
The duck looks confused. "What the hell do they want with a plasterer?"

2007-03-04 09:59:32 · 37 answers · asked by Tink 5

Shake hands of course

2007-03-04 09:55:42 · 8 answers · asked by Exterminator 4

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities
I turn pancakes brown
and your champagne bubble
if you squeeze me, i'll pop
if you look at me, you'll pop
CAN YOU GUESS THE RIDDLE?!?!?!?

2007-03-04 09:55:12 · 20 answers · asked by daniele™ 4

THe principal of an all girl school goes on vacation. When she comes back, she inspeacts the school for anything weird and she knows there was a man there.

How does she know?

2007-03-04 09:54:52 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

1-Two boxers are in a boxing match (regular boxing, not kick
boxing). The fight is scheduled for 12 rounds but ends after 6
rounds, after one boxer knocks out the other boxer. Yet no man
throws a punch. How is this possible?

2-Two mothers and two daughters were fishing. They managed to catch
one big fish, one small fish, and one fat fish. Since only three
fish were caught, how is it possible that they each took home a fish?

3-How would you rearrange the letters in the words new door to make one
word? Note: There is only one correct answer.

First to answer all gets 10 points...

2007-03-04 09:48:17 · 12 answers · asked by Ms.J 2

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver.
> The little kid starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd
> be a little bull."
> The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with, < BR>> "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little
> elephant."
> The kid went on with several animals until the bus driver got angry and
> yelled at the kid,
> "What if your dad was a serial killer and your mom was a prostitute?!"
> The kid smiled and said, "Then I would be a bus driver!"

2007-03-04 09:45:19 · 8 answers · asked by angelheart 5

might sound a bit familiar but anway:

a man decided to become a monk, so he joins his local monastery. thing is, it's a really strict one, so he can only say 2 words every 7yrs.
so after the first 7yrs, he has a word with the Leader. the Leader asks him for his two words. the man says "dont like".
another 7yrs passes, and the man returns to the Leader. this time he says "terrible conditions".
then a final 7yrs pass, returns to Leader with his monk clothes and says "i quit".
Leader replies "that's good. you only seem to complain."

2007-03-04 09:44:47 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The theme is St.Patrick's Day....7th/8th graders, so age group 12-14!!

2007-03-04 09:43:47 · 3 answers · asked by Jordan♠ 1