Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

A typical English 20 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise & proceeded to have the time of his life that is until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, only bananas & coconuts. After about 4 months he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief he asks "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed
here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this?" says the girl. "I made the boat out
of raw material I found on the island. The oars were made from
gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches & the sides & stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the girl.

2007-02-27 04:50:36 · 11 answers · asked by Shy Ted 3

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a
remote post in the African desert.During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know,there are 250 men here on the post and no women.
And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we
have the camel."
The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this,but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the
men do it?" "No, not really, sir ...They usually just ride the
camel into town where the girls are.

2007-02-27 04:49:50 · 7 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

A man stumbles into the emergency department with 2 black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. The doctor asked him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced the ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white sticking out it's rear end. I lifted up the tail and sure enough there was the wife's golf ball stuck right up the cows butt, thats when I made the mistake.
The doc asked "What did you do?"
The man replied "I lifted up the cow's tail and shouted to the wife, hey honey! This one looks like yours!!"

2007-02-27 04:40:32 · 13 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

help me!!! I dont know

2007-02-27 04:35:39 · 11 answers · asked by adawgfan48 1

Food ate you!

2007-02-27 04:28:59 · 15 answers · asked by Sk8terMov 2

When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten
kids
got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford
University seniors.

What is greater than God,
More evil than the devil,
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
And if you eat it, you'll die?

Copy this and post it to your bulletin board and
then press shaift and you will get the answer.

P.S. You wont believe this, but this really does
give you the answer!!!!

2007-02-27 04:28:57 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sitting on the edge of a state highway waiting to catch speed drivers, a state police officer sees a car puttering along at 22mph he thinks "This driver is as dangerous as a speeder." So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car he sees a blonde driver with 4 old lady passengers, eyes wide and as white as ghosts.
The driver obviously confused asks "Officer, whats the problem? I dont understand, Iwas doing exactly the speed limit."
"Ma'am," the police officer replies, "You were'nt speeding but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be an hazard to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" She asks, "No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, 22 miles per hour." she says proudly. The state police officer trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" is the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarassed the blonde grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before you go Ma'am.....

2007-02-27 04:26:48 · 28 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

A man walked into the bar at a hotel that was hosting a convention of personal hygiene product salesmen. He sat down at a table with some of his fellow salesmen.

Immediately one of the other salesmen says to him: "Hey Bill! We were just talking about you. Your territory sucks! Nobody was ever able to make a living in it before you. But now, you son-of-a-gun, you win the all-expense-paid trip to Vegas three years in a row, selling almost twice as much as anyone else in the whole Southwest region! How in the hell do you do it?"

Bill replied, "Its easy! I take a big engraved silver bowl and fill it up with fresh dogcrap. Next I garnish it carefully with parsley sprigs, celery stalks, scallions, olives and thin-sliced red bell pepper rings. I take this to the airport and set it on a table on an elegantly embroidered white tablecloth. I serve samples on cocktail wafers to all who pass by. As soon as someone takes a bite they usually say 'Jesus Christ!! This stuff tastes like CRAP!!'

2007-02-27 04:26:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

This could be a joke, a funny situation, something embarrassing happening to someone else.. Anything real or fiction.. Just anything that would completely crack you up.. Fun answers!

2007-02-27 04:24:00 · 18 answers · asked by Shadow Song 4

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 100 Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back

2007-02-27 04:19:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am _______.

Fill in the blank!

2007-02-27 04:14:35 · 11 answers · asked by Sk8terMov 2

You die.
(good start huh?)

Your walking through the after life and come to a forked road
at the the fork are two identical gates

at each gate is a Guard identical to the other in every way

the Guards tell you that one gate lead to eternal torture and fire and the other leads to a place of beauty and happiness

you must choose a gate and there is no way to tell which leads where?

You may ask one Guard one question before deciding, but
they only hint they give you is that one Guard all ways lies and the other always tells the truth

you don't know which one guards which gate
and you cannot ask a two part question

What is your question?


I'll send the answer if someone get close!

Enjoy!

2007-02-27 04:13:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!"

2007-02-27 04:12:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm pretty sure I know how it's played. Ppl on one side of the table decided who's going to hold a quater while the people on the other side aren't looking, then the side with the quater begins with their fists on their lap until a predetermined person on the other side says "Up chickens", and everyone on the other side unanimously brings their arms up and rests their elbows on the tables with their firsts in front of their face, still closed. One of these people have a quater in their hands but nobody on the other side of the table knows which one. Next, very quickly after the person said "Up chickens", they say "Down chickens" And everyone on the other side quickly slams both their hands down on the table. Everyone on the other side has to try and guess who has the quater under their hand. If they find them.. the other side drinks, and vice versa. Now, does anyone know what this game is called? Maybe Chicken? I saw it on the most recent episode of the office. Season 3 ep. 18.

2007-02-27 03:50:57 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

FUN answers! And the 10 points might be yours xD

P.S: Mere curiousity! 0=)

2007-02-27 03:49:01 · 12 answers · asked by Shadow Song 4

Tell me your best yo mama jokes...........and ill give the best ten points

2007-02-27 03:42:29 · 3 answers · asked by Some1 u dont know 1

.....'how do you expect me to get hard i just got laid a minute ago!

2007-02-27 03:29:51 · 13 answers · asked by luc 1

theres 6 people and they all have a brother
how many people all together??

if a:
- yellow house is made of yellow bricks
- red house is made of red bricks
- blue house is made of blue brick
whats a green house made of??

2007-02-27 03:23:48 · 21 answers · asked by alexandra 2

Yours or someone else's.. Doesn't matter.. What was the lamest pick-up line you've ever heard/used and what was the other person's reaction? And please.. Stay in the funny answers zone!

2007-02-27 03:17:46 · 19 answers · asked by Shadow Song 4

What did they call the duck when he was high? A quack head.........I know but I thought I'd try, what do you think?

2007-02-27 03:07:06 · 15 answers · asked by Maw-Maw 7

why are men like diapers?????

2007-02-27 02:58:32 · 7 answers · asked by boricua(787) 3

They both get battered around the ring.

2007-02-27 02:57:36 · 9 answers · asked by Jesus son of Frankie. 1

A blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.

She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

2007-02-27 02:53:06 · 17 answers · asked by boricua(787) 3

1. Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
2. I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
3. If it weren't for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
4. Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
6. I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much.
7. Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
8. If the shoe fits... buy it in every color.
9. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
10. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
12. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
13. Some days are a total waste of makeup.
14. Men are from earth, women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

2007-02-27 02:49:45 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. You've got a hole in your head.
2. Your master strangles you all the time.
3. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
4. You shrink in cold water.
5. You never get a haircut.
6. You always hang around with two nuts.
7. Your closest neighbor is an axshole.
8. Your best friend is a pxssy.
9. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
10. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

2007-02-27 02:46:33 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some women are sitting around after a card party. They start complaining about their sxx lives.

First woman moans, "My husband is a musician. All he wants to do is sing to it."

Second woman moans, "My husband is a doctor. All he want to do is examine it."

Third woman moans, "My husband is a psychiatrist. All he wants to do is talk about it."

A big grin on her face, the fourth woman syas, " My husband's a mechanic. On our wedding night he tore the hell out of it, and has been working on it ever since."

2007-02-27 02:43:16 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

three guys rent a hotel room together each pitching in 10 bucks. The owner realizing he overcharged them,that the room was really only 25, takes 5 dollars out of the 30 they gave him. He put two dollars in his pocket and gave each guy one dollar each back. so that means each guy really only gave 9 dollars a piece which equals 27 dollars and the owner kept two..which brings the total to 29 dollars. What happened to the last dollar?? Please help if you can..im going nuts over this one!!

2007-02-27 02:42:37 · 8 answers · asked by honestanswer 2

I visit US, get treated regal,
So I stay, who care I illegal?
I cross ocean, poor and broke,
Take bus, see employment folk.

Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare.
Welfare say, "You come no more,
We send cash right to your door."

Welfare checks, they make you wealthy,
Medicaid, it keep you healthy!
I go to college, for me it's free,
and now I have a Ph.D.

By and by, I got plenty money,
Thanks to you, American dummy.
Write to friends in motherland,
Tell them come as fast as you can.

They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.
They come here, we live together,
More welfare checks, it gets better!

Fourteen families they moving in,
But neighbor's patience wearing thin.
Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,

"Find more aliens for house to rent."
And in the yard I put a tent.
Send for family (they just trash),
But they, too, draw the welfare cash!

2007-02-27 02:32:37 · 12 answers · asked by Land Warrior 4

2007-02-27 02:29:44 · 53 answers · asked by o 2

....buried upto their necks??



Afro turf

star if ya like it please.

2007-02-27 02:23:11 · 18 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4