Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

Yeah I know the Yahoo police will get me!!!

2007-02-27 07:39:40 · 7 answers · asked by ramblin guy 4

2007-02-27 07:38:58 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

The class English assignment was to write something unusual that had happened in the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his "My dad fell in the well last week...."
"Good Heavens!" interrupted the teacher "Is he alright?"
"He must be," said little Johnny "He stopped yelling for help yesterday"

2007-02-27 07:38:26 · 16 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

A cow boy, and Indian, a Hispanic person, and a thief go to heaven and they ask god if they can have one more chance on earth, God says yes, with one condition, they gave up there favorite things. They agree. The cow boy loved to butt #&$%, the Indian loved to drink, the Hispanic loved to find money on the ground, and the thief loved to steal.

so they go back to earth and start walking down a street, they see a small store with a lot of valuable things in it, so the thief goes in to look around, he sees a watch and putts it in his pocket and disappears.

every one else keeps going on, the come to a street full of liquor stores the Indian is struggling to keep from drinking, and makes it half way down the street and then he breaks and grabs the nearest bottle and starts drinking, he disappears and the bottle falls and hits the ground and breaks.

So only the Hispanic and the cowboy are left, they continue to walk down the street, and they see 8 dollars lying on the ground and the Hispanic bends over to pick it up and the cow boy disappears.

2007-02-27 07:36:50 · 8 answers · asked by a_word_of_praise 2

they can clean or dirty.

2007-02-27 07:36:02 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

get it yet?
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She tried out a new shampoo and it was Toxic.

lmfao

2007-02-27 07:27:27 · 25 answers · asked by volleyballchica 1

u know, like robert frm everybody loves raymond,
touches food to his chin b4 he takes a bite, or the
peanut, almond, cashew
peanut, almond, cashew
peanut, almond, cashew
peanut, almond, cashew
peanut, almond, ....(theres no cashew) uh oh, this is reeeaaaly bad...

or the IQ test thing...

yeah, those kind of things

2007-02-27 07:23:02 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm just curious to see what you have to say. Please, be crude.

2007-02-27 07:21:15 · 7 answers · asked by woman 2

one nun fainted... the other had a stroke

2007-02-27 07:20:10 · 6 answers · asked by notanotherteenmovie 1

Once there was this brunette who was driving her corvette with the wind in her hair.

She looked and she saw a farmer with a flock of sheep so she drove over and asked the farmer "if I can guess how many sheep in you're flock will you give me a sheep."

The farmer says "OK".

The brunette says "485".

The farmer says "that's right but if I can guess you're natural hair color can I have my sheep back".

the brunette says "OK".

The farmer says "blonde".

The brunette says how did you know.

The farmer says you just picked the dog.

2007-02-27 07:16:09 · 13 answers · asked by Jay A 3

I don't care if there dirty or clean.

2007-02-27 06:58:43 · 11 answers · asked by a_word_of_praise 2

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.
One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

2007-02-27 06:44:04 · 23 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down where the sun dont shine,the bartender asks him why theres a "steering wheel down there" and the pirate answers back,"it drives me nuts"

2007-02-27 06:38:17 · 14 answers · asked by matchbox202006 4

I'm feeling kind of blah and I would like to hear something funny. Easy points for ya!!

2007-02-27 06:18:34 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

just got a new take away , chicken tarka masalla, tastes like chicken but it's otter

2007-02-27 05:57:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

three men decided to badger the nuns in an effort to get them to move. In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there." The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there." The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there." One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet, calm, voice said, "Why don't you go to hell. There aren't any nuns there."

2007-02-27 05:53:43 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you solve this riddle first I'll give you the best answer. You have to get every riddle right.

1. What has a mouth but can't chew?
2. What is broken every time it's spoken?
3. There is an orphan, a brige, a river and a mother. The mother is on the other side of the brige. How does he get there?
4. I move but I am not alive. I eat but I can not drink. I can be calm but I can be wild. I can kill but I can help. What am I?

2007-02-27 05:49:51 · 14 answers · asked by Sk8terMov 2

A man was sick & tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day & put in 8hours while my wife stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
Next morning sure enough the man awoke as a woman
He arose cooked breakfast for his mate wakened the kids set out their school clothes fed them packed their lunches drove them to school came home & picked up dry cleaning, stopped at the bank to make a deposit went grocery shopping then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills & balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box & bathed the dog. Then it was already 1P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry vacuum, dust, & sweep & mop the kitchen floor.Ran to the school to pick up the kids & got into an argument with them on the way home

2007-02-27 05:48:53 · 7 answers · asked by Shy Ted 3

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."

2007-02-27 05:48:25 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old man Fred met Old woman Doris in a rest home. Things developed. They went dancing, played bridge and walked hand in hand.
One day Fred invited Doris to his room and they got down to it.
Afterwards Fred thought I would have been more gentle if I had known it was Doris's first time.
Doris thought I would have taken my tights off if I had known he was that good.

2007-02-27 05:29:20 · 10 answers · asked by mother sensible 3

A man walks into a bar and sees this really attractive woman having a drink.

"Hey, I'll put $100 on the ground if you let me !#$% you while you're bent over." says the man.

"Well ok, your waste of money, but I gotta call my bf first." replies the woman.

So the woman calls her boyfriend and he tells her it's alright if the other man pays $200. The woman says ok and that she'll call him back in 10 minutes.

"$200 and I'll do it." says the woman.

The man puts $200 on the ground, and the woman strips and bends over.

The boyfriend waits for 10 min... no call... 30 min... no call... 45 min... no call, so he decides to call her.

"Hey what's taking so long?" asked the boyfriend.

"!#$%er paid in quarters...." says the lady.

2007-02-27 05:22:45 · 11 answers · asked by jbothayer 2

cuz boys pants were half off!!!! hahahhaha

2007-02-27 05:21:23 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Theres 23 of them.

yoinks

2007-02-27 05:17:36 · 14 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

Rita was standing vigil over her husband's deathbed. As she held his hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his face, and roused him from his slumber.He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But he was insistent. "Rita," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you.""There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Rita. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now.""No, no. I must die in peace, Rita. I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother."Rita mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now dear, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said."Now you be still, and let the poison work."
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2007-02-27 05:14:44 · 14 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

Three weeks after her wedding joanna calls her minister. "Reverend!" she wails "John and I had a DREADFUL fight"
"Calm down my child" replies the minister "it's not half as bad as you think, every marriage has to have it's first fight"
"I know, I know" said Joanna "but what am I going to do with the body?"

2007-02-27 05:11:04 · 15 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2007-02-27 05:02:43 · 5 answers · asked by nickjonasroxtheworld!!!!!!! 3

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

2007-02-27 05:01:18 · 23 answers · asked by Shy Ted 3

A young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's
birthday, so he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest
gloves available and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered
with a note. While wrapping the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed
up the order and sent a pair of panties instead.

Here is the note the young man sent to his sweetheart:

Darling,

I chose these, because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen long
ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that
are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you.

Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from
showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were
hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and they
looked really smart.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time.
No doubt many other hands will touch them before I see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them
away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure
to keep them on while cleaning them so they don't shrink.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I
hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love.

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.

2007-02-27 04:58:48 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mike and Steph were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta.
Mike said "I wish we had something to drink"
Steph replied "Me too"
Mike says "You know, I've heard that you can drink jet fuel and get quite a buzz. You wanna try?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of 'octane hooch' and get completely smashed.
The next morning Mike wakes up feeling great, no hangover, no bad side effects, nothin.
Then Steph rings "How do you feel this morning?" Mike says "I'm fine, that fuel sure is something, maybe we ought to do it again"
"Well, theres just one thing," says Steph, "have you farted yet?
Mike replies "No, why?"
"Well dont because I'm in Pheonix!!"

2007-02-27 04:54:04 · 14 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Closest answer wins!

2007-02-27 04:53:53 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous