Can anyone make me laugh?

Question

I'm feeling kind of blah and I would like to hear something funny. Easy points for ya!!

Answer 1

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you."

"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the **** are you?" the man asks

"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

"Those little bastards!"

Answer 2

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly And said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

Answer 3

I could walk with the points by leaving you with nothing to laugh about or i could leave a joke.sadly im not very funny,not since a sad joke i left on here to multiple people criticizing it,thus i deleted it.You can laugh at that sad event or not.
heres a lame one you might find funny

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down where the sun dont shine,the bartender asks him why theres a "steering wheel down there" and the pirate answers back,"it drrrrives me nuts"

Answer 4

Maybe this one about an old redneck couple will help:

They had lived together in the backwoods for over fifty years. To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to a large city and they checked into a plush hotel. She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small room. No windows, no bed, and no air conditioning." "But, madam!", replied the bellman. "Don't 'But madam' me," she continued. "You can't treat us like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much, and we've never been to the big city, and never spent the night at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager." "Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is the elevator!"

Hope ya like!

Here's another one:

A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied. The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

I thought that one was particularly funny since I'm from the south!

Answer 5

All right... I'll try.

A man forgets his anniversary and of course the wife is very upset.
That night at diner she tells her husband that she wants something in her driveway tomorrow morning that goes from 0-200 in 3 seconds or else....

The very next morning she goes outside and finds a "scale" sitting in her driveway.... hehehehehe

Is that funny ???

Answer 6

Q: so your running through a field in a canoe and your wheel falls off....how many pancakes does it take to cover a dog house?

A: Purple because ice cream doesn't have any bones!!

Answer 7

There is this little boy and his grandpa and they go fishing. A little while after they are out on the lake the grandpa reaches into his bag and pulls out a beer. The little boys asks "grandpa may I have one"? The grandpa says can your dick touch your asshole? The little boy says no so the grandpa tells he that no he may not have one. A little while later the little boy reaches into his bag and pulls out a cookie. the grandpa asks, "May I have one"? The little boy says can your dick touch your asshole the grandpa says yes so the boy says then go **** yourself grandma made these for me. LOL LOL LOL I thought it was pretty funny.........

Answer 8

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Amz2mh3kfuIrOt7hILGAsz_sy6IX?qid=20070226110714AAyKGMp

^^Read that fruitcake's post! It'll make you laugh!

Answer 9

go here.. its a funny video...

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/564/Spaghetti/

i hope you feel better