Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

Anyone know it!?

oouswtdnerj
its nothing foreign or unusual!!

=)

2007-02-27 08:57:02 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-27 08:54:39 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy's eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me." The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says, "Ma'am, this is from the gentleman over there." She says to the waiter, "Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants." The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says, "Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the bank, but I haven't even met her...so why the *** would I cut off four inches?"

2007-02-27 08:54:31 · 2 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

2007-02-27 08:48:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

2007-02-27 08:38:28 · 22 answers · asked by Tom Riddle 2

i think he is

2007-02-27 08:37:18 · 12 answers · asked by POKEMON D/P WIFI-TAYLOR 2

zom zoomzoom its just not good enuf!!

2007-02-27 08:36:57 · 4 answers · asked by SUZANNE R 7

When somebody gives you a snobby remark, what might be some good comebacks?

2007-02-27 08:29:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-27 08:29:35 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

any aere good

2007-02-27 08:29:03 · 7 answers · asked by a_word_of_praise 2

2007-02-27 08:26:04 · 8 answers · asked by zatarav 1

Two guys are walking down the street and they see a dog on curb licking his balls. One guy says to the other, "Man, I wish I could do that." The other guy says, "Well sure you can. Just make sure you pet him first."

2007-02-27 08:25:45 · 11 answers · asked by RcknRllr 4

or at least i ever heard

2007-02-27 08:25:19 · 35 answers · asked by L 2

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip."

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests, "Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's "club". When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing." She does just that and the ball goes off the tee perfectly straight for about 275 yards.

The golf pro says to the woman, "That is unbelievable, I didn't think you would do that well. But now on to your next problem...
How are we going to get that golf club out of your mouth?"

2007-02-27 08:23:25 · 5 answers · asked by Jay A 3

He stayed in an ht-teepee

2007-02-27 08:18:17 · 7 answers · asked by Buzzard 7

I took this silly little test today on a job application...this one was good...lets see who can figure it out....There are a pair of dogs and a half a dozen cats are in the barn. One of the dogs has three puppies, and one of the cats has five kittens. How many animals live in the barn?

2007-02-27 08:16:53 · 7 answers · asked by Simply Spoken 4

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.
He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?" "Hell no!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!" The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton. A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat." And just then, he barfs up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush. The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talking! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!"

2007-02-27 08:15:44 · 15 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

This is a riddle posed to me. Can anyone help?

2007-02-27 08:13:18 · 5 answers · asked by cistaats@rogers.com 1

What two coins am I holding

2007-02-27 08:13:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Tommy, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Tommy looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

2007-02-27 08:13:12 · 8 answers · asked by Cuddly Lez 6

hey everyone i need help on this homwork it says to finish the folowing tong twisters they gave me the begining i have to finish it
A) Wild Wolves.....
B) Sarah Says.......
Mischievious monkeys......
Thank You

2007-02-27 08:08:50 · 4 answers · asked by unknown 4

itz not like i'm against blodes or anything but this one made me laugh=D

A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says "Well ma'am, I can't cut your hair with those head-phones on. You're going to have to take them off."

She shakes her head vigorously and replies "No, if I take them off, I will die." He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones.

All he heard was "Breathe in, breathe out, breath in."

2007-02-27 08:05:59 · 10 answers · asked by onetreehunny 4

2007-02-27 08:03:45 · 4 answers · asked by a_word_of_praise 2

2007-02-27 07:58:19 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

2007-02-27 07:57:15 · 18 answers · asked by Jay A 3

any thing you can think of is good.
Easy ten points!

2007-02-27 07:54:24 · 2 answers · asked by a_word_of_praise 2

Ok, i'm not great with this, but here are some I saw and liked. How about you guys? WARNING: These are clean jokes, so laugh accordingly!

"Tomatoes"
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

"Dog Fight"
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

2007-02-27 07:53:40 · 3 answers · asked by ♥LadyC♥ 6

10 pts to the first person to correctly answer all of them:

1. Sally and her younger brother were fighting. Their mother was tired of the fighting, and
decided to punish them by making them stand on the same piece of newspaper in such a way that they couldn't touch each other. How did she accomplish this?

2. A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, "If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50."

The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less.

In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?

3. George, Helen, and Steve are drinking coffee.
Bert, Karen, and Dave are drinking soda.
Using logic, is Elizabeth drinking coffee or soda?

4. He starts and ends 2 common English words. One painfull in love, One painfull in everyday matter. Do you know what 2 words I must be?

2007-02-27 07:48:14 · 15 answers · asked by Blenderhead 4

go to the doctors ?

he wasn't peeling very well !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My 5 year old told me that one, i thought it was very funny !!!!!

2007-02-27 07:45:43 · 15 answers · asked by K W 3

Morris, an 82 year okd man goes to the doctor to get a full check up. A few days later the doctor sees Morris walking down the street with a stunning young girl on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said you're doing really great arn't you?
Morris replied "Just doing what you said doctor, Get a hot momma and be cheerful"
The doctor said "I didn't say that I said; You've got a heart murmer, be careful!"

2007-02-27 07:44:41 · 15 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5