or at least i ever heard
2007-02-27 08:25:19 · 35 answers · asked by L 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
The Voodoo Penis
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal.It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but finally surrendered to $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ***!"
The rest is history.
2007-02-27 08:34:35 · answer #1 · answered by sheepish18uk 2 · 4⤊ 2⤋
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's naked rear end as he was bent over drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
2007-02-27 08:50:16 · answer #2 · answered by P!NK 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Three cheerleaders go to the doctor to get a physical exam. The first cheerleader goes in and the doctor asks her to take her clothes off. She complies and the doctor notices that she has a big letter "H" in the middle of her chest. The doctor asks, "why do you have an imprint of the letter H imprinted on your chest?"
The girl replies, "I have a boyfriend that goes to Harvard and he likes to wear his sweatshirt when we have sex."
The doctor finishes the exam and the next girl comes in and has the same thing, only this time it's the letter "S". The doctor asks her about it and she replies, "My boyfriend goes to Stanford and he likes to wear his sweatshirt when we have sex". Again, the doctor finishes up and the next cheerleader enters the room for her exam.
She has the same thing, but this time it's the letter "W". The doctor says, "Let me guess, you have a boyfriend that goes to the University of Wisconsin."
The girl replies, "No, but I have a girlfriend that goes to the University of Minnesota."
2007-02-27 08:35:48 · answer #3 · answered by RcknRllr 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This won't win, but it still gets me.
Some time ago, there was an indian walking to town from his home to buy a new horse. It was a hot day outside and soon he began to sweat and thirst for water. Soon, along came a car. It slowed, and the man inside rolled down the window and asked him if he needed a ride. He said "sure, it's very hot today" , and got in. Well, cars being a relatively new invention, the indian had never been in one and was amazed at how cool it was inside. He asked, "how is it so cool in here and so hot outside?" The driver replied, "it's called air conditioning, and it gets even colder the faster you go" and proceeded to speed up. Sure enough, it started to get colder. The car hits 60, and the indian stops sweating altogether. The car hits 80 and he starts to get chills...85, 90, and the windows start icing over! "See? The faster it goes, the colder it gets! The fatster it goes, the colder it gets!" And just as the indian is about to ask him to slow down because he's got ice forming on his nose, they get to town and the man stops. "Well, thank you very much for the ride!" the indian says, getting out of the car, "It would've been a much harder journey had I walked." "You're welcome!" says the man, and as he's speeding off, the indian hears him saying "The faster it goes, the colder it gets! The faster it goes...." And he speeds off down the road. The indian makes his way to the horse barn, and by the time he has his new horse, he's sweating again. He hops on and starts riding back home. "Ahhhh he thinks to himself, a nice little breeze.." as he is now trotting along. But soon it's not enough and the heat of the afternoon sun bears down on him. "Well, a little faster couldn't hurt." So, he gives the horse a nudge. A little more wind is blowing on him now, but not enough to keep the blazing sun from scorching him. Then he remembers the man in the car. "The faster it goes, the colder it gets" he says, as he kicks the horse, and the breeze is starting to cool him off. "The faster it goes, the colder it gets." he says, and digs his heel in the steed. He's now going at a full gallop, but it's still not enough to thwart the scorching heat. So, he kicks harder, bears down and pushes the horse to go faster. "The faster it goes, the colder it gets, the faster it goes, the colder it gets, the faster it goes, the colder it gets....." and WHAM!!! He's thrown from the horse as it falls to the ground....dead. The indian gets up, dusts himself off, and walks back over to his horse and looks at it. "Hmmph? he says to himself, must've froze to death."
2007-02-27 08:51:56 · answer #4 · answered by jirstan2 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
2007-02-27 08:45:13 · answer #5 · answered by lolly_2410 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
This young guy walks into a seedy roadside cafe in a small town. He sits at the counter and notices an older guy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young guy bravely asks, "if you ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do"?
The older guy slowly turns his head toward the guy and says "Nah, go ahead".
Eagerly, the young guy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and sees a dead rat in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.
The old guy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too".
2007-02-27 08:30:10 · answer #6 · answered by atlas shrugged and so do i 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Can I have the 10 points instead of the joke I heard getting them?
2007-02-27 08:28:16 · answer #7 · answered by I See You 4 · 0⤊ 3⤋
Did you hear?
The Energizer Bunny has just been pronounced dead.?
The official coroners report listed the cause as acute sexual over-exertion.
Details are sketchy, but apparently someone put his batteries in backwards and he just kept coming, and coming, and coming.
A 10-point lock.
2007-02-27 08:43:36 · answer #8 · answered by GlooBoy 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Its not really a joke - but a hilarious pair of words
"Liquid Hershey"
Wow, I know
2007-02-27 11:42:03 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is somewhat 'Anti-Illegal Immigrant'. Hope you like it.
Okay, someone I know got this from playing Balderdash...
Someone gives you a word, and you have to guess the definition.
The word: Hodido (Pronounced Hoe--Dee--Doe)
The answer:
What a bunch of illegal immigrants say running to the elevator.
Do you get it?
2007-02-27 09:25:16 · answer #10 · answered by Busta 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.
All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.
The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"
The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."
The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
2007-02-27 08:29:43 · answer #11 · answered by *<dEzI>* 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋