Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

mommy mommy ,can i lick the bowl????

no my dear flush it like normal people do

2007-02-27 02:21:51 · 12 answers · asked by gismojabba 1

come in

2007-02-27 02:16:09 · 9 answers · asked by gismojabba 1

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30, SO EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.

ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

2007-02-27 02:16:06 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-27 02:09:46 · 10 answers · asked by tapping toes 5

I write jokes and want to get paid for supplying them to standup comedians, what is the best way to do this, i do not want to do stand up myself. Do comedians buy material?

2007-02-27 02:08:56 · 6 answers · asked by ebonybailey2007 2

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.
NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY CHIP MONKS!

2007-02-27 02:08:18 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-27 02:00:54 · 5 answers · asked by mister W 2

Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, red head, and a blonde) and they were all pregnant.

The burnette says, "I know what I'm going to have." The other to asked how she knew. She replied, "well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a boy".

The red head said, "If that is true then I will have a girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.

The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, "PUPPIES, PUPPIES!".

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.

In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.

The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.

He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"

The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.

The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

2007-02-27 01:59:45 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have a maths project n i wanna make my project title funny....

My project is on a moon it could relate to "A" because thats the name of my moon

Or just give me any funny moon titles

2007-02-27 01:57:11 · 5 answers · asked by Mike C 2

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

2007-02-27 01:52:45 · 7 answers · asked by Walking Man 6

The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage





A Jamaican couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. "What a peaceful & loving couple". A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, ‘That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice'.

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "Is wa do yu gyal, why u lick shot affa da poor animal like dat, yu mad?” “How we get around now?” Then she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once'.

"And from that moment we have lived happily ever after."

2007-02-27 01:42:03 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Give me coffee and no one gets hurt.


Don't wash this vehicle - Undergoing scientific dirt test


Cover me. I'm changing lanes.


Keep honking, I'm reloading


He who laughs last thinks slowest


Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?


You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.


I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me


Jesus is coming, everyone look busy


Your College Sucks


I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person


The Earth Is Full - Go Home


As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools


My kid had sex with your honor student.

Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!


I is a college student


I souport publik edekasion


If you think education is expensive, Try ignorance


Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.


You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

2007-02-27 01:40:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here's the activities guide to burning calories at work and the number of calories they consume per hour...

Beating around the bush... 75
Jumping to conclusions... 100
Climbing the walls... 150
Swallowing your pride... 50
Passing the buck... 25
Throwing your weight around... 50-300
Dragging your heels... 100
Pushing your luck... 250
Making mountains out of molehills... 500
Hitting the nail on the head... 50
Wading through paperwork... 300
Bending over backwards... 75
Jumping on the bandwagon... 200
Balancing the books... 25
Running around in circles... 350
Eating crow... 225
Tooting your own horn... 25
Climbing the ladder of success... 750
Pulling out the stops... 75
Adding fuel to the fire... 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end... 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms... 50
Putting your foot in your mouth... 300
Starting the ball rolling... 90
Going over the edge... 25
Picking up the pieces after... 350
Counting eggs before they hatch... 6
Calling it quits... 2

2007-02-27 01:37:08 · 7 answers · asked by Mary 6

You're so dumb you thought Taco Bell was a phone company.
You're so fat when you jumped up you got stuck.
You're so fat you got baptized at Sea World.
You're so fat you laid down in the ocean and Spain claimed you as the New World.
You're so fat you saw 90210 on a scale.
You're so fat you use hoola-hoops to keep your socks up.
You're so fat, when you wear a yellow rain coat people scream ''taxi''.
You're so low you could milk a pregnant snake!
You're so old you drove a chariot to school.
You're so slow it takes you an hour and a half to watch "Sixty Minutes."
You're so small, you pose for trophies.
You're so stupid you threw a rock at the ground and missed.
You're so stupid you trip over the cord of a cellular phone!
You're so ugly when you went to a haunted house they offered you a job.
You're so ugly you almost look like your mother.
You're so ugly you have to trick or treat over the phone.
You're so ugly you make blind kids cry.

2007-02-27 01:34:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero.
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind.
After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incxst.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
Alone: In bad company.
And there he was: reigning supreme at number two.
Any friend of yours ... is a friend of yours.
Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
Are you brain-dead?
Are your parents siblings?

2007-02-27 01:31:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's grreater than God, evlier than the Devil, the rich want it and the poor have it...(first one to get it right will be best answer)

2007-02-27 01:31:40 · 11 answers · asked by Osita 3

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007
when...
1 you accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your
family of
three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to
you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and
family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell
phone to see
if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the
bottom of
the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you
didn't even
have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a
cause for
panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before
getting your
coffee.

2007-02-27 01:24:39 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So
in old
England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at
them "Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down."
It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle
baked into
the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a
refill, they
used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the
phrase
inspired by this practice.

2007-02-27 01:17:48 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

first woman says "Just bringing mine in for a check-up. What are you here for?"

Second woman replies "Well, last night I was running the bath, i bent over to see if the water was warm and as I did, the dog jumped up and boned me from behind!"

First woman says "That's awful. Are you bringing him in to have him put down?"

Second woman "Hell no, I'm getting his claws clipped!"

2007-02-27 01:13:55 · 10 answers · asked by bumpity-bump 3

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers, and
laser printers all have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other
day of the
year?
A. Father's Day
in Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed
frames by
ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened,
making the bed
firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep
tight."
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago
that for a
month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his
son-in-law
with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and
because their
calendar was llunar based, this period was called the honey month,
which we
know today as the honeymoon.

2007-02-27 01:12:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.

Bartender: "Hey pal, is something wrong?" The Guy: "Yeah, I'm really depressed"

Bartender: "Why, what's the matter?" The Guy: "I caught my wife in bed with my best friend"

Bartender: "Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?" The Guy: "I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over"

Bartender: "That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?" The Guy: "I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!"

2007-02-27 01:06:11 · 19 answers · asked by Jay A 3

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great
king from
history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both
front legs
in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front
leg in
the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural
causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on
July 4th,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on
August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most
popular boat
name requested?
A. Obsession

2007-02-27 01:04:27 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-27 00:59:22 · 3 answers · asked by Dulce 2

Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.

2007-02-27 00:58:52 · 13 answers · asked by Jay A 3

answer plz .......

2007-02-27 00:54:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man
was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we
have "the
rule of thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It
was ruled
"Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF
entered into
the English language.
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time
TV were
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.
Treasury.
Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear
better.
Coca-Cola was originally green.
It is impossible to lick your elbow.
The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is
alaska
the percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
the cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of
eleven: $ 16,400

2007-02-27 00:53:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

his nuts were in his neck????

2007-02-27 00:52:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

swallow castor oil to pass the time away????

2007-02-27 00:51:18 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a Stalk brings a good baby

An Ostrich brings a bad baby,

What brings no baby?

A big Swallow!

2007-02-27 00:49:07 · 4 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

2007-02-27 00:45:40 · 14 answers · asked by Jay A 3