Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

the easter bunny married the tooth fairy and she put a ban on chocolate eggs as the tooth fairy became bankrupt due to the bunnys vet fees????

2007-02-27 00:43:47 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife!"

2007-02-27 00:43:02 · 9 answers · asked by Jay A 3

This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a few pointers.

The best man exclaims, "Come on man, its your honeymoon, you're supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!"

To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything going wrong.

So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride says, "honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!"

2007-02-27 00:39:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a blxody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

2007-02-27 00:34:30 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!"

The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the
Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

2007-02-27 00:31:00 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

anything goes. I want to hear it all

2007-02-27 00:28:18 · 5 answers · asked by :) 5

There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street.

A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the mirror forever

The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first shhe said:

I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of silver.

Next the brunette went in she said:

I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new car.

The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said:

I think...

She was vanished into the mirror forever.

2007-02-27 00:23:55 · 7 answers · asked by ms01 4

There was a magic mirror in a forest that was believed to slap anybody who talks to it and tells a lie.

while a midget was out in the forest looking for firewood, he passed by the mirror and said, "I think I'm tall," and the mirror slapped him.

now, an ugly looking witch was looking around for some dried coco beans for her potion. she passed by the mirror and said, "I think I'm the prettiest woman in the world," and the mirror slapped her.

Then passed a blonde woman who was lost and trying to find her way home. she saw the mirror and said "I think . . .," and the mirror slapped her.

^_^

2007-02-27 00:23:04 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-27 00:21:59 · 2 answers · asked by suzi67 1

If a stalk brings a good baby

an Ostrich a bad baby

what brings no baby?

2007-02-27 00:18:18 · 10 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

2007-02-27 00:16:33 · 18 answers · asked by xbox 1

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, "What the hell do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your a55!"

2007-02-27 00:11:58 · 18 answers · asked by Jay A 3

A person was walking through a garden as he passed an oak tree he saw a ghost . The ghost told him '' I need your blood '' as he told that the man murmured something in the ghost's ear the ghost ran away .


What he told the ghost was '' Hey ghost i've AIDS if you drink my blood you'll also have AIDS ''

2007-02-26 23:51:33 · 35 answers · asked by Priya 1

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"


worthy of a star?

2007-02-26 23:48:54 · 21 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

2007-02-26 23:43:42 · 3 answers · asked by saeed 1

2007-02-26 23:31:58 · 16 answers · asked by UFO 1

This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it? _______gry?


Okay and for the people who will say something like I should have included the answer....that is why I asked the riddle, I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER

2007-02-26 23:20:47 · 9 answers · asked by Juanita L 2

i love my girlfriend i love her best
i love her best when she's undressed.
i do her standing ,sitting or lying if she had wings i would do her flying.
and when she's dead and all forgotten
i'll dig her grave and do her rotten

2007-02-26 23:10:26 · 21 answers · asked by conan 4

I just had a Red Foreman moment.

2007-02-26 22:45:02 · 12 answers · asked by Pontius 3

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly: "My blonde wife sure is stupid... she bought an air conditioner!"

2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My blonde wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly: "Cause we ain't got no plummin'!"

3rd Hillbilly : "That ain't nuthin'! My redhead wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in there."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "Well what's so dumb about that?"

3rd Hillbilly: "She ain't got no pecker!!!"

2007-02-26 22:40:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border ...when he saw a large sign... "LAST CHANCE FOR $1.25 GAS!"

He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank.

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?"

The attendent replied, "$1.10..."

2007-02-26 22:38:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sudden explosion
Sudden finality
Encased meticulously in shining metal
I am demonized and revered
Respected and despised
I can protect life
I can destroy life
Though the use of me rests
In the human heart.

2007-02-26 22:30:18 · 6 answers · asked by Mia 1

Today he is there to trip you up,
And he will torture you tomorrow.
Yet he is also there to ease the pain,
When you are lost in grief and sorrow.
What is he?

2007-02-26 22:11:52 · 9 answers · asked by conan 4

Please don't take offense to this joke, it has no malicious intent!!

Blokes been drinking at a bar for hours, the barman turns to him and says that he has had too much and should go home.

The bloke creates a big fuss and gets one more drink.

After the last drink he attempts to get off the bar stool, and falls to the floor...... he hauls him self up and moves forward about a meter and falls to the floor again!!!

Luckly the bloke only lives 200m from the pub, however hard the bloke tries ever meter he falls to the ground... hauls himself up.... falls down....

Next morning the blokes wife brings him a cup of tea in bed and exclaims "you cirtainly had a few last night!!"

The bloke protests "No No, I only had a couple"

"Rubish!" Says the wife, "I know you had far to much last night because Larry the barman called.... says you've left your wheel-chair in the bar!!!"

2007-02-26 22:09:52 · 12 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

Good:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't nabbing any. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road in the other direction with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

Better:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar trap. A $180.00 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $180.00. They responded with a mailed photo of handcuffs.

Best:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I BET YOU ARE GOING TO SELL ME A TICKET TO THE MOTORCYCLE COP'S BALL". He replied with "MOTORCYCLE COPS DON'T HAVE BALLS". There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realised what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

2007-02-26 21:48:53 · 6 answers · asked by me here, where are you? 3

Until you say it out loud...

A sol - A sol - A soldier I should be,
Two pis- Two pis- Two pistols on my knee,
For cu- For cu- For curiosity,
I'll fight for my count- I'll fight for my count- I'll fight for my country...

2007-02-26 21:41:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys talk in the office after a night out.

First guy says, "Man!! I was sooo drunk last night!! I'm tellin you it took me 3hrs to get home!! and I only live 100m from that bar!"

Second man says, "Thats nothing, I can't even remember gettin home, I was sooooo drunk!"

Third guy says quietly, "man I was so drunk, when I got home I blew chunks!"

The first two look at him and say "well thats not that bad!!"

Third guy replies "Chunks is the name of my dog?!?!"

2007-02-26 21:36:03 · 10 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says:"7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound
right testicle, Turner Brown."

The man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me: I'm 7 feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle
weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is
Turner Brown."

Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said "Turn around"

2007-02-26 21:33:17 · 22 answers · asked by Smooth 3

drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again.
My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!"

2007-02-26 21:31:29 · 7 answers · asked by conan 4

i need the answer asap. thanks

2007-02-26 21:29:47 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous