Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

A drunken Irishman gets on a train and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork.

"About two hours," says the conductor.

"Okay," says the drunkard, "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?"

The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about two hours, laddie. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?"

"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's and Christmas!"

2007-02-26 13:12:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

2007-02-26 13:08:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm five foot five and three quarters and I'm sixteen and I was just wondering how tall do you think I'll be like later on when I stop growing if my mom is five foot seven, my dad is six foot two my half sisters are five foot eleven and five foot nine we're only related because we all have the same dads and different mom's if genetics makes a difference basically I want to know how tall I'm going to be when I stop growing?

2007-02-26 13:07:59 · 5 answers · asked by Blue eyed girl 2

Pedro was driving down the street in a Sweat because he had an important meeting and could'nt find a parking place.

Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pitty on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up Tequila."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

2007-02-26 13:06:08 · 8 answers · asked by hazelshine 4

Yo mama, u so fat best 1 gets best answer.

2007-02-26 13:04:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

hmm i thought this joke was funny i don't see how it can be racist .. its just their lang.?! What do you think .....
What do you call 4 mexicans in quick sand?
cuatros sink-os !!!

2007-02-26 13:01:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-26 12:58:55 · 6 answers · asked by 2 days after my B day :) 2

What do you call the air at the top of a potato chip bag?
Answer: The snackmosphere!

2007-02-26 12:50:08 · 9 answers · asked by Starscape 6

Miss Beatrice the church organist was in her 80's & had never been married.One afternoon the pastor came to call on her & she showed him into her quaint sitting-room.She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.The bowl was filled with water & in it, floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones they began to chat.The pastor tried to stifle his curiousity about the bowl of water and its strange floater but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice" he said, "I wonder if you could please tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh yes" she replied "Isn't it wonderful?" I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.The directions said to place it on the organ,keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease...& do you know, I haven't had flu all winter.

2007-02-26 12:47:04 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

He's one of my all-time favorite politicians, but the jokes about him are so funny :)!!!!!


Anyone got any to spare???

2007-02-26 12:46:18 · 6 answers · asked by 2 days after my B day :) 2

Whoever solves this with my answer first, gets Best Answer:

A petshop owner had a parrot with a sign on its cage that said "Parrot repeats everything it hears". Davey bought the parrot and for two weeks he spoke to it and it didn't say a word. He returned the parrot but the shopkeeper said he never lied about the parrot. How can this be?

2007-02-26 12:41:17 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

u probably heard it,but oh well.sum of u might not have.its kinda old.

once upon a time there was a 7th grade boi who just got his report card.he had gotten straight F's.he didnt want to get grounded so he went to the teacher.
he showed her the report card and said "Throw Some D's On That Bi**h."


if u havent heard "throw some d's" by rich boy,u wouldnt get the jokes.

2007-02-26 12:40:19 · 4 answers · asked by i.Nεεd.Yεw.Bσσ* 2

You are stuck in a room with no windows or doors. The room is made of 1ft thick concrete all around, floor and all. And the only things in the room is a mirror and a table. How do you get out???

2007-02-26 12:34:53 · 8 answers · asked by hoopstar26301 2

Name 3 consecutive days without using Monday, Tuesday, Wednsday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.

(whoever answers right first gets Best Answer)

2007-02-26 12:33:34 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young princess was strolling in the palace grounds on a lovely summer evening when a frog on a lily leaf in the pond said "Take me to your bed tonight and in the morning I will be a handsome young man" and in the morning when her mother found them she didn't believe the story either.

2007-02-26 12:33:21 · 9 answers · asked by poppy vox 4

And yes, brutal means crude and raw in this case :)

2007-02-26 12:31:14 · 10 answers · asked by 2 days after my B day :) 2

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between potentially and realistically.
Easy says his father. First ask mom if she'd sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.
The boy runs off, then comes back and says, she said yes.
Now go ask your sister the same question, advises the father.
Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, she said yes.

So, potentially, we're sitting on two million dollars, replies the father. But, realistically, we're living with a pair of wh*res.

2007-02-26 12:30:36 · 13 answers · asked by Qt PIE 3

An elderly couple, Roy and Bessie, recently moved to Texas. Roy had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly into the house, he says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Roy storms off to the bathroom, undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Roy, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down tomorrow."
Furious Roy, yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKIN AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!
To which Bessie replies....."shoulda bought a hat Roy, shoulda bought a hat!" :)

2007-02-26 12:30:05 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

You've probably heard something like this one b4:


Once upon a time there were these three men. One day, they were chatting to each other while strolling down the beach. Suddenly, they see a bottle. One of the them picks up the bottle and rubs it. A genie appears. He offers to grant the men 3 wishes (1 each).


The first man said, "I wish I could be 10 times smarter than I am now." *POOF!* And he became that much smarter.

The 2nd man said, "I wanna be 1000 smarter!" *POOF* And he really was 1000 times smarter.




The 3rd man said, "I WANNA BE A BILLION TIMES SMARTER THAN I AM NOW!!!!!!" *POOF!!!!!*

































And the genie turned him into a woman.

2007-02-26 12:28:44 · 9 answers · asked by 2 days after my B day :) 2

What is a good prank to do to a co-workers office while he's gone for the week? Need ideas!

2007-02-26 12:27:34 · 14 answers · asked by chris2009 2

This was this blonde ( all blonde people are stupid in real life too) she was extremely stupid. There was a black haired girl (realy smart) brown haired girl ( normal a little) and blonde. They were lost at sea. They measured 20 miles to shore. The black haired swam 5 miles, got tired and swam back. The brunette swam 8 miles got tired and swamback. The blonde swam 19.5 miles, got tired then swam back.

2007-02-26 12:24:52 · 13 answers · asked by babycakes_rocks 3

This 'fairytale' must be read to all little girls by the age of 4 and re-read over and over from the age of 4-100 :)
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful independent, self-assured princess came upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped onto the princess' lap and said "Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me...one kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into a dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night as the princess dined sumptuously, on frog legs, seasoned in a white wine and a rich onion cream sauce, she chuckled and though to herself....I don't freakin think so. :)

2007-02-26 12:23:24 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am reading a book called "All Quiet on the Wester front". And then when I was about to set it down, all of a sudden the face on the man on the cover staretd to make funny faces at me like :), and 8^), and cyclops o) Please help me.

2007-02-26 12:22:06 · 10 answers · asked by ? 1

She bought a parrot but it wouldn't stop swearing so, to teach it a lesson, she stuck it in the fridge for half an hour. When she let him out the parrot said, "Hell, that chicken must have used some pretty bad language."

2007-02-26 12:21:21 · 5 answers · asked by poppy vox 4

what is with that game, too many people wasting thier time, go outside! how many times does everyone have to ask the same damn question, obviously if 1000 people ask one question don't you think your 1001 question will be answered any quicker or more correct,,,,, get a life !

2007-02-26 12:17:25 · 6 answers · asked by shonb 2

Two judges were riding their bikes at night without lights. One says to the other "You do realise we are breaking the law?" "Okay" said the other one "We'll have to try each other in the morning." Next day one judge sat in the judge's seat, the other in the dock. "Charge is riding without lights after lighting up time. How do you plead?" "Guilty" said the one in the dock. "Fined a tenner" said the judge in the seat. They swapped roles. Said the judge in the seat. "Charge is riding without lights after lighting up time. How do you plead?" "Guilty" said the one now in the dock. "Fined Twenty Quid" said the new judge. "Hold on" said the one in the dock "I only find you a tenner for same offence." The judge in the seat said "I know that, but there is too much of this riding without lights- This is the second case this morning."

2007-02-26 12:16:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is very fragile, that when you say its name you break it?

1st person w/ the right answer gets 10 pts.!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-26 12:13:36 · 10 answers · asked by xoxox 5

3 men share a motel room at $30 a night. they each pay $10. they complain that the room was not clean. the manager then gives the bellhop $5 to give the men. the bell hop takes $2 and gives each man $1 instead of splitting $5 between 3. so the men would of each paid $9 because they got the $ back. 9+9+9 is 27 and the bellhop got $2 so that is 29. where did the other dollar go

2007-02-26 12:09:09 · 5 answers · asked by Evan B 1

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a female police officer, who was also a blonde. The officer asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The officer replied, "its square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it, and handed it to the officer. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

2007-02-26 12:03:42 · 43 answers · asked by Tink 5

Two men were driving through West Virginia when they got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in West Virginia, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over in West Virginia, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

The trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.

"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know your type." the trooper says, "Two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say,"I wish that a55hole would've tried that sh!t with me".

2007-02-26 12:01:24 · 11 answers · asked by Tink 5