Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

Greater than God
The rich need it
The poor have it
and if you eat it you will die???

2007-02-26 11:47:53 · 9 answers · asked by loza500 3

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided them their food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said. "I think you're hallucinating and you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blond woman, face up and totally unconscious.

The two lawyers went over to her, dragged her up on the beach, and discovered, yes, she was alive.

One said the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long time. Do you think we should, ......you know, ... scr$w her?"

The second lawyer, asked, "Out of What?"

2007-02-26 11:38:39 · 44 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-02-26 11:38:09 · 40 answers · asked by 2 days after my B day :) 2

2007-02-26 11:28:32 · 11 answers · asked by sweetooth 2

what can walk but cant run?

2007-02-26 11:26:46 · 22 answers · asked by Hottie 2

I would call myself Rick Dickulus can you do better ps stand up is comedy not sure if Americans use that term

2007-02-26 11:24:13 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

First one to get it right wins!!

I come around the corner
Every day and every night
If you come across me
You may be in for a fright

2007-02-26 11:19:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a fear.I come over everyone as time passes.I can easily be seen by everyone who can see.

2007-02-26 11:15:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I heard that Anna Nicole Smith won best actress for "The Departed". And that Brittney Spears is expected to star in the sequel.

2007-02-26 11:14:40 · 6 answers · asked by Commander 3

There was a (can't say what, might offend someone) that went into a (can't say bar, might offend someone who doesn't drink, is quitting drinking, or tripped and fell in a bar once) and asked the proprietor (ooops, can't say that, might offend someone who didn't get as far in life and doesn't own their own business).
OK, let's just forget jokes, we can't say something funny without offending someone from some splinter group...

2007-02-26 11:04:13 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Horth Withperer

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says
he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. Sam
asks "How will I recognize him? "That's easy, he's a
midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up and Sam asks him if he's
looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth.
Can I thee her eyeth"?


Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes
the once over. "Nith eyeth. Can I thee her earzth"?

So, he picks the little fella up again, and shows him
the horse's ears. "Nith earzth. Can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this
point, but he picks him up again and shows him the
horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf. Can I see her ****"?

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under
his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can
up the horse's ****, holds him there kickin’, pulls
him out, and drops him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth
I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a
widdow bit?"

2007-02-26 11:03:16 · 13 answers · asked by kenmauiphoto 5

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous in the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his @ss.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

2007-02-26 11:00:33 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator John Kerry."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,

"Excellent trade, sir."

2007-02-26 10:57:50 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple in their nineties are both having problems
remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells
them that they're physically okay, but they might want
to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets
up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the
kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can
remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe
you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice
cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll
forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I
can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and
whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 30
minutes,
the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his
wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the
plate for a moment.

"Where's my toast ?"

2007-02-26 10:56:17 · 10 answers · asked by kenmauiphoto 5

Hazel was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl.
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and
made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called
her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor told her, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night Hazel was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

2007-02-26 10:55:01 · 49 answers · asked by Tink 5

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am," he said, "I've come to...''
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

2007-02-26 10:47:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-26 10:43:20 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-26 10:43:04 · 15 answers · asked by laurale h 1

One was white and the other black and they were in a heated arguement on wheather God was white or black. The bartender,tired of hearing them argue for hours, told them to go across the street to a church there and ask God what color he was. Both men staggered over to the little church and looked up at the steeple and yelled "Hey God, Are you Black or White?" A booming voice came from the sky "I AM WHAT I AM!" At this, the white guy started laughing and told the black man "I told you that he was white!" "Wait a minute...."the black guy said. "He didn't say that he was white. The white guy still laughing said, God said " I am what I am,"......" not, I is what I is"!

2007-02-26 10:37:19 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

thanks

2007-02-26 10:26:13 · 15 answers · asked by courtneyhammy 2

I have just moved to a new area and the people seem a bit odd. I haven't had a chance to really talk to the neighbours yet, but I think they belong to some primitive or cultlike religion. They seem to think I am (a) God.

You see, every night, the start this rhythmic banging on the wall and I can hear them calling out:
"Oh God! Oh God! Oh God, yes! Oh my God! Give it to me! Oh God! Give it to me! Oh God, yes. Ye, yes, yes, Oh God yes!"

What is it they want me to give them and should I give it to them, or will they just expect more?

Why do they think i am God - and would it be insulting to their culture if I try to tell them I'm not?

What religion is this - and am I safe? Will they want me to join in?

2007-02-26 10:22:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

He became a Hovis witness uk people only will get this

2007-02-26 10:19:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

PLEASE NOW

2007-02-26 10:12:30 · 1 answers · asked by chica 2

2007-02-26 10:10:05 · 7 answers · asked by anonymous 2

2007-02-26 10:03:19 · 6 answers · asked by sarvinoz h 1

He couldn't stand his wife's moaning for another nano-second and packed his suitcase, telling her he was off to join the Foreign Legion. "They won't have you." she scorned, "You're not man enough. You'll be back. And when you do come back, take off your shoes before you come in- I don't want sand all over my hall floor."

2007-02-26 09:59:27 · 9 answers · asked by poppy vox 4

2007-02-26 09:59:15 · 3 answers · asked by Peter C 1

2007-02-26 09:57:53 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

He became a suicide bummer

2007-02-26 09:57:05 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

u r in the middle of the Savannah. you'be been walking for 3 days st8 no food no water. the sun is over 105 degrees and there is no shade. u carry in ur backpack a can of soda. will you drink it? or toss it? remember once u drink it you will be satisfied for 1 min because of the blazing sun then ur thirst will be more extreme.

2007-02-26 09:50:29 · 40 answers · asked by das wasup! 1