Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2 dwarfs go into a bar where they pick up 2 prostitutes and take them to their seperate hotel rooms. The 1st dwarf is unable to get an errection, His depression is made worst by the fact that from the next room he hears cries from his little friend saying, "here i come again, one two three uuh" all night long.
In the morning the second dwarf asks the first " how did it go"
The first mutters " it was so embarrassing i simply couldn't get a hard on"
The second dwarf said " you think thats embarressing
"I couldn't even get on the f.uckin.g bed"...

2006-12-14 08:05:04 · 24 answers · asked by chris w. 7

2006-12-14 08:04:32 · 14 answers · asked by basenjicrazed 2

The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"

The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."

But the pope persists, "Please?"

The driver finally gives in. So the pope takes the wheel, and boy is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes nearly 100 in a 45 zone. A young policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: "Chief, I have a problem."
Chief: "What sort of problem?"
Cop: "Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important."
Chief: "Important like the mayor?"
Cop: "No, no, much more important than that."
Chief: "Important like the governor?"
Cop: "Muuuuch more important than that."
Chief: "Like the President?"
Cop: "I don't know, maybe more."
Chief: "Who's more important than the President?"
Cop: "I don't know, Sir, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!"

2006-12-14 08:04:18 · 22 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Four guys were telling stories in a pub. One guy leaves to go to the restroom. Three guys were left...........

The first guy says,"I was worried that my son was going to be a loser because, he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break,they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact,he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new "Mercedes" for his birthday."

The second guy says,"I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out he got a break,they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm In fact,he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."

The third guy says,"Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well,HE got a break, they made him a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm.In fact,he's so rich that he just gave his best friend $1 million in stockfor his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says,"Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son is a major disappointment.He started out as a hairdresser and is still a hairdresser after 15 years.In fact,I just found out that he's GAY and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side,his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday!"

2006-12-14 08:03:22 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

He said... Want a quickie?
She said... As opposed to what?

He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said... This coffee isn't fit for a pig!
She said... No problem, I'll get you some that is.

She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

Priest... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.
She said... Who's gonna look?

He said... You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said... No, have you?

He said... Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said... Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said... I would, but you're never there.

He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said... Well, you succeeded.

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea... You stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard.

2006-12-14 08:00:27 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paper company that folded?

Brake company on the skids?

Bra manufacturers that went bust?

Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?

Cigarette company that went up in smoke?

Baker who was short of dough?

Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?

Corset firm that felt the squeeze?

Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?

Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?

Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?

Downfall of the bungee suppliers?

The train company that went off the rails?

The ship building company that sunk?

The dental practice that was rotten to it's roots?

2006-12-14 07:57:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why are the pubs on the moon no good? Because they have no atmosphere !!!!

2006-12-14 07:51:47 · 13 answers · asked by Shredder 6

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 10 Miles. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution 5 Miles and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution Next Right, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a sombre stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

Go in Peace, You Have Just Been Screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

2006-12-14 07:51:26 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly man in Winklespruit calls his son in Cape Town and says, 'I hate to ruin your Christmas, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 35 years of misery is enough.'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,' the old man says. 'We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in England and tell her,' and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. 'Like heck they're getting divorced,' she shouts, 'I'll take care of this.'
She calls her dad immediately, and screams at the old man, 'You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there on Friday. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up and turns to his wife and says.
'Okay, they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares

2006-12-14 07:47:56 · 40 answers · asked by Pd 6

A Korean man goes into a bar and waits for the African American bartender to come over towards him.

"Give me jigger, ni*ger," the man says.

The bartender, shocked and offended, asks him to repeat what he just said.

"I said give me a jigger, ni*ger," he replies.

Trying to keep his cool, the Bartender poors the man his drink, sets it on the bar, and says, "Call me that again and you're a dead man."

The Korean man replies, "Oh, I'm sorry, does that bother you?"

"Hell yes it bothers me. How would you like it if you were in my position and I came in here calling you names?"

"I don't know, why don't we try it?" the Korean suggests. The bartender figures he'll have a little fun, so he agrees and switches places with the man, allowing him to go behind the bar.

The bartender sits down at the bar and snaps, "Give me a drink, chink."

The Korean calmly replies from behind the bar, "Sorry, we don't serve black people in here."

2006-12-14 07:47:15 · 29 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

the light dont come on either i put a piece of bread down there and it ate it fast what should id o

2006-12-14 07:40:36 · 10 answers · asked by Thumbz Down 1

he gives her a quick glance and then quickly takes a look at his watch, The woman notices this and says, is your date running late," No" said the man" i have a state of the art watch and i was just testing it". The intrigued woman said," a state of the art watch, whats so special about it". " well it uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me"
" whats it telling you now" asked the woman
"well its telling me you are not wearing any panties" said the man
The woman giggled and said "well it must be broke then because i am wearing panties"
"oh" said the man "the bloody thing must be an hour fast"

2006-12-14 07:40:06 · 20 answers · asked by chris w. 7

This guy sticks his head into a crowded barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop at all the customers and says, "About two hours," and the guy leaves.

Every day, the same guy pokes his head in at the busiest time, and every day he’s told there’s a long wait and he leaves. Finally, after about two weeks of this, the barber looks over at a buddy and says, "Bill, why don’t you follow that guy and see where he goes?"

In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

"Well?" says the barber. "So where does he go?"

"To your house."

2006-12-14 07:39:08 · 31 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A man was driving down the road with his new Mustang and lovin' life. He whizzed around a corner to see a ratty little car up ahead, swerving around the road. She finally got on the right side of the road, right before she hit the Mustang. The women then shouted out the window "PIG". The surprised man in the mustang shouted back "COW". Pleased with his comeback, he went quickly around the next corner, and hit a pig.

2006-12-14 07:35:39 · 3 answers · asked by ♥Petlover♥ 4

for a Sunday afternoon quickie. go stand outside on the balcony and report on the neighbour hood activities they told him. Off he goes and he begins to shout out just as they got down to business, an ambulance just went by, There's a car being towed away and the Coopers are having sex,
How do you know they are having sex shouted his Mum.


Well their kid is also on the balcony......

2006-12-14 07:31:11 · 18 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A U.S. Customs agent and her dog are on a plane. After it takes off, the agent turns to the dog and commands, “Sniff.”

The K-9 trots down the aisle and sits next to a teenager. It then returns to the woman and puts one paw on her arm.

“Is that dog checking for drugs?” asks a man sitting beside her.

“Yes he is. He just found someone carrying marijuana,” she explains. “We’ll arrest him upon arrival.”

“Wow!” replies the man.

She again commands the dog to sniff. It trots back down the aisle and moments later races back and craps all over the place.

“What happened?” yells the man.

The agent screams, “He just found a bomb!”

2006-12-14 07:27:25 · 15 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A teacher instructs her fifth-grade class to ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids come in and share their stories. After a few students tell their stories, the rest of the class learns some of the morals you'd expect to hear, such as "don't count your chickens before they hatch" and "treat others as you'd like them to treat you."

Then it was little johnny's turn...

“My daddy told me about my uncle Dave,” says little johnny. “He was a pilot in Vietnam and had to bail out over enemy territory with nothing but a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a knife. He drank the whiskey during the drop, then landed in the middle of 20 Charlies. He shot 15, stabbed three, and killed the last two with his bare hands.”

“What is the moral of that horrible story?” yelps the mortified teacher.

“Stay away from Uncle Dave when he’s been drinking.”

2006-12-14 07:22:44 · 21 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Two potatoes are talking...one is a prostitute. How do you know which one?

2006-12-14 07:17:31 · 2 answers · asked by thuglife 5

A man tells his doctor he’s unable to do all the things around the house that he used to do. After the exam, he says, “Now, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what the hell’s wrong with me.”

“In layman’s terms, you’re lazy,” says the doctor.

“OK. Now give me a medical term, so I can tell my wife.”

2006-12-14 07:16:08 · 16 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

BLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAY'S "HELLO."

HE'S RATHER TAKEN ABACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM, SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?"

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS."

NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL TO HIS WIFE AND SAYS, "MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING,WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED ME WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY .?".

SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SON'S MATH TEACHER."

2006-12-14 07:15:44 · 11 answers · asked by scott g 1

Whats high, whats low and whats normal. I've never really got it!!

2006-12-14 06:56:08 · 18 answers · asked by lovethesun 3

i bumped into my friend yesterday outside the royal hotel were he has worked as a top chef for 10 years,i asked him how was it all going, and he told me he got the bullet, { sack}. from the hotel cos his boss walked into the kitchen the other day and caught him with his willy inside the potato peeler,,,i said your kidding me,, and what did they end up doing with the potato peeler then,,,he said oh she got the sack as well,,,,,

2006-12-14 06:54:03 · 11 answers · asked by blu.boy 2

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into

how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.


The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."


The minister inquired "Trips to where?"


"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."


The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph.

Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"


Brother Ralph: "I'm gonna go get her."

2006-12-14 06:52:44 · 18 answers · asked by Sophie 3

2006-12-14 06:30:55 · 19 answers · asked by cmj 2

Dear Santa

I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy
all yeer

yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm
giving your older brother the space ranger. At least
HE can spell!

Santa

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Chris tmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do?

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his *** constantly? It's time to give
up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay,
I'll
set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me
a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.

Santa

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China I have a condo in Miami , where
I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I
unwind
by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you
wanted to know.

Santa

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde? Good luck
in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that
crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa


Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?

Love, Marky

Mark, first, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're
getting your *** whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a
house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get
inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your
bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams, Santa

2006-12-14 06:27:13 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-14 06:20:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

my father and boyfriend looove this joke. so, does neone know wat a gay horse eats????

2006-12-14 06:19:37 · 17 answers · asked by anom 2

boys n girls, ladies and gents, its time to write your letters to santa, click link below, fill in the details, and read your christmas letter. (is very funny) lol

let me know if you like the link

http://members.aol.com/frogiearno/dearsanta.htm

2006-12-14 06:12:18 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. It won first prize.

"Christmas with Louise"

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.

He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. So I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only embarrass yourself. I was
there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" and "You're kidding me!" and "Who
would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise."
She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

2006-12-14 06:00:47 · 7 answers · asked by theburlaces 3

This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have abad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver
for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on
offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She
then sent it to radio station, 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana,
who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I
had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at
work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you

realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me,

I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a
suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite
cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel...

2006-12-14 05:49:55 · 10 answers · asked by theburlaces 3