Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

tescos spoksmen said every litle helps

2006-12-14 09:34:31 · 18 answers · asked by bennyboyzxx 1

Dave rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put
his name on the group mailbox. While there, a very attractive
young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes
wearing a robe.

Dave smiles at the young woman and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe.
Poor Dave breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says,

"Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the
door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off.

Now completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered and embarrassed Dave stammers, clears his throat
several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, its got to be your
ears!"

2006-12-14 09:33:32 · 15 answers · asked by a m 4

.....he keeps putting prozzies under the trees

And a sports update: The Leeds v Ipswich game has been cancelled this weekend. A dyslexic serial killer has killed all the Ipswich substitutes

2006-12-14 09:26:42 · 29 answers · asked by Ecko 4

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!"


Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr.Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to1 and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?!" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!"


Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guidedsurface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Faith and begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr.Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Paddy "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."

2006-12-14 09:23:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. One his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"
The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No; what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me."

2006-12-14 09:14:39 · 18 answers · asked by a m 4

After no dates or sex for 5 years a woman goes to see a chinese expert sex therapist."take off all your croase,get down and craw reery,reery fas to otherside room" says Dr Chang.The woman does just as he says."ok " says the doc."now craw reery reery fast back". As she did Dr Chang shook his head. "Your probrem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachary disease I ever sor, dat why u get no man." "O'h my God " says the woman "What's Ed Zachary disease?" Dr.Chang replies."It's when your face look Ed Zachary like your butt."

2006-12-14 09:13:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

they both start off with a gentle bl++job and both end up claiming the house..



.

2006-12-14 09:12:24 · 12 answers · asked by blu.boy 2

This is a riddle.

2006-12-14 09:05:39 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-14 09:04:48 · 10 answers · asked by pixman43 1

I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

2006-12-14 09:03:06 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

1 million space bucks by tomorrow.How can I come up with the money to pay him?

2006-12-14 08:57:58 · 12 answers · asked by dishwasher67 6

The patient says "give me the bad news first doc." "You've got aids".says the doc."O'h no" he says what could be worse than that?" "You've also got alzheimers." "O'h well" the patient says "At least I havn't got aids."

2006-12-14 08:56:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

and its growing on a pond,every day it doubles itself in size,it takes 21 days to cover half of the pond,so how many days will it take to cover the whole pond.

2006-12-14 08:53:53 · 24 answers · asked by blu.boy 2

Paddy is walking down the Blackpool prom one day and he sees a mother breast feeding her baby boy. Paddy stops to speak to the mother. "That's what I like to see natural breast-feeding, I was raised on that"
.
The young mother tells Paddy to clear off. Paddy continues, "No seriously I was raised on the stuff, look at me, tall, lots of muscles, and really fit, looking at the baby breast feeding takes me back to my childhood", he pauses...., "can I try breast feeding on the other breast".

The young mother says again, "Get away with you Paddy". Paddy says convincingly "You've got plenty of breast milk for baby, and he doesn't need the other breast". The young mother looks and Paddy and thinks, well he is good looking, fit and lots of muscle, "Come over here Paddy and you can get on the other breast". Paddy being sucking on the other breast, after five minutes the young woman has become more relaxed and is starting to get aroused ,panting slightly, she lies back and whispers to Paddy "Paddy ..... is there anything else you want ?"

Paddy asks "err....have you got any Farleys Rusks"

2006-12-14 08:51:33 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

that it has been ransacked and all the files have been mixed up. He sees the file for Mrs Smith but it has been mixed up with others and he cant tell which is which. He narrows it down to two and decides to call her house.
Mr Smith this is Doctor Jenkins, your wife either has Aids or Alzeihmers disease but i dont know which.
Well what should i do "said a distraught Mr Smith.


Drop her off at the edge of town and if she finds her way back dont f.u.ck. her2

2006-12-14 08:47:34 · 15 answers · asked by chris w. 7

2006-12-14 08:47:06 · 5 answers · asked by DOMINATUS 3

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "Sh*t."

2006-12-14 08:46:04 · 30 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-12-14 08:40:35 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

two tramps were walking down a country lane.one turns to the other and asks him have you sh+t yourself cos i can smell sh+t very strong,no replies the second one i have not,,walking on for a few miles further he stops again,and says phooo that smell is following us, are you sure you havent sh+t yourself,bloody hell man no i havent,ok he says just drop your trousers and proove it to me,and sure enough when he drops his trousers there it is,,sh+t all the way down his legs,,and even going up his back,he says i thought you said you had,nt sh+t yourself,,he replies yes but i thought you meant today,,

2006-12-14 08:37:31 · 12 answers · asked by blu.boy 2

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

2006-12-14 08:36:55 · 25 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get a stiffy. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUUUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I just couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?!!" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the bed!!!"

2006-12-14 08:33:45 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

************

************ who?

************, spread your cheeks and lift your sack, its time to go to jail.

2006-12-14 08:27:04 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-14 08:26:23 · 7 answers · asked by dishwasher67 6

A scout for Garryowen rugby club in Limerick is looking for new talent in the war-torn Bosnian Region in Yugoslavia. On watching a rugby match there one day he spots an amazing talent and resolves to take him to Ireland to play for Garryowen. The youngster, dying to get out of his horrible existence, agrees.

Back in Ireland that year Garryowen and their arch rivals Shannon are neck and neck at the top of the league table, entering into the last day of the season.

To make matters more tense, they are playing each other in the last game.

At 15 points each going into the last minute of the game the ball drops to Slavan, Garryowen's new Bosnian prodigy, who runs past 3 Shannon players to score the winning try. Soon after there are wild celebrations as Garryowen celebrate their win.

Slavan is hailed as a hero and invited by the manager to guzzle back champagne back in the dressing room with the rest of the team. But before doing this, Slavan insists that he be able to ring his mother at home to tell her the good news.

On the phone to his mother, he says "Guess what mum, you won't believe what happened here today, we won the game and I scored the winning try and I'm a hero....."

His mother interrupts ".....you selfish ba*tard", she says "you are always thinking of yourself. Do you have any idea what happened to us today. Your father has been killed, your sister was taken away from us and given a good seeing to, and our house has been burnt to the ground!".

"But Mum, your not being fair. You're acting as if all this was my fault", says Slavan.


You're damn right it is", she replies. "It was your fu*kin' idea for us to move to Limerick....!!!"

2006-12-14 08:22:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner. "Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"

The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"

"It was ME," chortled the Indian.

So the Norwegian paid for the drinks. Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.

"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"

"Fair enough," said Sven.

"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"

"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"

The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"

2006-12-14 08:20:38 · 26 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

and get 'Scent Of a Woman'

He came back with 'A Fish called Wanda'

2006-12-14 08:14:24 · 17 answers · asked by chris w. 7

short ones only

2006-12-14 08:09:14 · 12 answers · asked by hannahlou 2

Willywutang would like to have safe sex with three women, any of whom may be carrying an STD. Given two condoms, how can he do so, while ensuring that no STD is passed from one woman (or possibly himself) to another (or to himself)?

2006-12-14 08:08:34 · 3 answers · asked by Coo Bird 4

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline ...

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, Social Security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.

2006-12-14 08:07:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

the garage proprioters daughter,,,she couldnt stand the smell of bens hole,,,i mean benzole,,,

2006-12-14 08:06:11 · 7 answers · asked by blu.boy 2