Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

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Shine a torch in her ear !!!! :)

2006-12-14 22:43:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

An atheist complained to a friend, "Christians have their special
holidays, such as Christmas and Easter; and Jewish folks hasPassover and Yom Kippur. EVERY religion has its holidays. But we atheists," he said, "have no recognized holidays. It's unfair discrimination."
His friend replied, "Well...Why don't you celebrate April 1st?"
*******
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
***
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, till the end: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed "but deliver us "but deliver us some e-mail"

2006-12-14 22:41:23 · 30 answers · asked by Pd 6

George Bush in a School
George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech.
After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Bob".
"And what is your question, Bob?"

"I have 3 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes? And Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is. "Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes? Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?! And Fifth, Where is "Bob"? !!

2006-12-14 22:27:39 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

does any one no any good xmas jokes?

2006-12-14 22:19:43 · 1 answers · asked by beci 3

?????????????????
christmas theme. any ideas?

2006-12-14 22:04:28 · 9 answers · asked by bignutbrownhare 1

People copy your answers for the sake of 2 points and yet you spent a good half a minute thinking of a suitably silly answer

2006-12-14 21:40:25 · 38 answers · asked by snikleback 5

2006-12-14 21:39:01 · 9 answers · asked by bowen 6

having a poo round someone else's house with out making smells is hard, because my poo smells

2006-12-14 21:34:45 · 31 answers · asked by stunkout35 2

This is not to be taken personally by any community..

There was a sardar walking down a road along with Bengali and a Tamilian . A fellow robber confronted them and threatened to poke them with a needle infected with AIDS if they resisted to give their belongings....The Bengali and Tamilian readily surrended but the Sardar did not and was poked by the needle..When the robber left and asked by the other two for the reason of not loving his life he said that he could not be effected by AIDS as he was wearing a Condom!!!....

2006-12-14 21:28:13 · 7 answers · asked by vinay 2

A midwife called at our home recently as my wife was about to give birth and I was out doing some shopping..Suddenly there was a power cut and all the lights went out. The midwife,looking somewhat perplexed at not being able to see what was going on,found a torch and asked my three year old to hold it. She told her where to point it and over the next few minutes my wife gave birth to our baby. The midwife wrapped the baby up and asked my daughter what she thought of her new brother.

She looked up at the midwife and said casually, "The baby shouldn't've crawled in there and got lost in the first place!"

A childs perspective? Oh yes!

2006-12-14 21:12:33 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-14 20:54:08 · 19 answers · asked by mrwurzal 3

2006-12-14 19:46:05 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. A man in mental hospital was standing on window shelf and peeing out. His doc, who happened to be walking below the window, looked up when the patient stopped or cut peeing in the middle. Doc thought that his patient is feeling shame, thus recovering from madness. Then, he asked his patient "Why did you stop peeing?", to which the patient answered "I stopped because you might grab my urine and pull me fall down."

2. A soccer match on TV. A World Cup match to be exact. A drunk guy with a bottle of beer in his hand walks to his sofa, sits on it and looks at his TV. At the top of the screen it says "Trinidad & Tobago vs. England." He yells,
"How come two countries play against one country at the same time! It's unfair! Poor England."

3. A hedge hog swears, "The whole world is false! Dammit!" and dismounts from a cactus.

2006-12-14 19:45:44 · 14 answers · asked by Бадьгаа 1

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, ''You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?''

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. ''One day,'' he begins, ''I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.''

''No ****?'' says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

''Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'''

''Keep going!''

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, ''You now have three wishes.''

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, ''I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.'' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, ''What will be your second wish?''

''What next?'' begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, ''I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.'' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, ''You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?''

I looked at her and replied, ''How 'bout a little head?''

2006-12-14 19:30:29 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Then why click on the joke like you have now just done, read it through, then post responses like 'sicko' etc. It happens all the time on these pages. Surely it's quite clear from the opening line it's going to be offensive. So why read it then if you know your going to be offended? It may appear to some to be wrong to post these jokes, but hey, if that's the case aren't you smacking of double standards a bit by reading it? Or is there a subconcious desire in the human psyche to be 'shocked'? Thoughts anyone?

2006-12-14 19:24:23 · 29 answers · asked by Ecko 4

A boy was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."

2006-12-14 18:57:47 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."

2006-12-14 18:56:44 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

would he get stuck in chimneys
cuz his "package" was too big ?

; )

2006-12-14 18:51:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you

2006-12-14 17:49:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

What do you call a horse that runs the city?
A: A mare!

Hehe... and here is today's riddle:

How do you know that flowers are lazy?

Good luck! :)

2006-12-14 17:42:18 · 13 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

whut is the most smart *** answer u can come up with for this rundition of this old classic?

2006-12-14 17:31:17 · 26 answers · asked by * r 2

A red bucket.


What do you call a green bucket? A red bucket in disguise.

2006-12-14 17:30:58 · 10 answers · asked by ya_face_sux 1

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly
irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how
horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could
have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his
friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so
terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did
you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife
in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the
gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it
have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d
be dead now!"

2006-12-14 17:26:08 · 26 answers · asked by Electric 7

2006-12-14 17:19:15 · 8 answers · asked by TerraJC 1

Robin, get in the car

2006-12-14 17:14:30 · 15 answers · asked by ya_face_sux 1

visit and tell:http://bufferthis.com/html/funny-elephant-butt-559.php

2006-12-14 17:14:16 · 21 answers · asked by Electric 7

help me think of funny metaphors that are decriptive.

like,
• she was all over him like white on rice
• that dude is nuttier than a squirrels turd
• gotta pee worse than a kid in the back of a station wagon on the way to disneyland

10 points goes to the most creative one, taking into consideration thumbs up and downs.

2006-12-14 17:03:53 · 9 answers · asked by nanabe 4

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is.

"I'm 90 years old," he says.

"Ninety!" comments the madam "Don't you realize you've had it?"

"Oh, sorry," said the old man, "how much do I owe you?"

2006-12-14 17:01:24 · 8 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues.
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, and many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: 'And Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

2006-12-14 16:52:04 · 14 answers · asked by texasblueslady 3

So...this is going to sound weird and maybe a little funny. I have my own suspicions about what happned and I want your answers to double check. Ok...I play piano and am a piano teacher. Recently I have been practicing for a performance and have been very nervous..so nervous I couldn't concentrate and play well. My bf is an english teacher and part time stage hypnotist. He suggested that he hypnotize me not to be so nervous. Well he came over and he was able to hypnotize me (very quickly..people who play music ae susceptable) Anyway..I was not nervous anymore and played fine..the thing is..when I woke up from hypnosis I found that my feet were really sticky feeling. I didn;t remember much from hypnosis and had him tape the session..but nothing could explain my sticky bare feet. So...what do you think happend? Help a girl out. Thanks.

2006-12-14 16:47:53 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous