Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

This was ask on the TV show HE HAW about 35 years ago.The answer is humerous but true,and makes it seem as if the baby is the biggest of the two

2006-12-15 02:54:33 · 1 answers · asked by Russellncountry 1

Get it? LMAO that's a good one isn't it?

2006-12-15 02:50:37 · 10 answers · asked by Meatball ;) 3

who knows the answer

2006-12-15 02:47:09 · 15 answers · asked by lordkid 1

A man went to see an ophtholmologist.The entrance was shaped like an eye.The man said ' Thank God he is not a gynecologist'

2006-12-15 02:40:43 · 4 answers · asked by Padmini Gopalan 4

Heaven had only enough room for one. So, to sort this problem out St. Peter held a small interview asking both to produce a good reason why one should be let in and not the other. Having a look at their resumes, it still proved to be a difficult task.
"Diana, your resume in fantastic, flawless."
Turning to Mother Terasa, "Well, and what can I say about you, I'm speechless"
"To be truthful, I cannot decide between the two of you. You're gonna have to do something to sway the balance.
With this Mother Terasa opens her blouse and reveals 3 breasts, perfectly formed.
"Mmmm, very nice." says Peter making a note.
No sooner had he finished writing, Diana dropped her g-string, squatted and started to urinate down the steps to the Peraly gates.
With this Peter said "Diana you're in, sorry Terasa, call back later"
Mother Terasa went berserk, "40 years in Calcutta, seeing to the poor doesn't count? It's not fair!"
"Well look at this way" said Peter a Royal flush always beats 3 of a kind"

2006-12-15 02:34:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can you guess the riddle?

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champagne bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2006-12-15 02:32:11 · 17 answers · asked by shark38dd 4

2006-12-15 02:31:29 · 5 answers · asked by Damn Daniel 1

It is a joke i read a few years ago, the farmer had a lot of problems and he explains it all to the Taxman. He tells him about his daughter dying after wiping her **** on an infected rabbit skin and castrating his prize Bull by mistake.

2006-12-15 02:29:59 · 4 answers · asked by baz1 1

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the
plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us
that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing
the
big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your
trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear
me
over those great big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo
so the main man can pitty-pat us onto the runway."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
Princess, and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight
attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my
country I'm called a Queen, and that sure as **** outranks an arrogant
Princess. Tray-up, *****."

2006-12-15 02:24:13 · 7 answers · asked by who_me_x 3

A lady goes to the doctor's and say's , i'v got this horrible discharge could you have a look at me please , the doc says, ok take your clothes off and get on the couch , after about 20mins fiddling about down there he says , how's that feel now , any better , she says , ooh yeah , that was lovely , but the wax is still coming out of my ear !!

2006-12-15 02:23:31 · 14 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

Loaded with dumb questions. Agree and take two points.

2006-12-15 02:19:15 · 8 answers · asked by wmf936 5

Because cowboys eat with their hats on.

2006-12-15 01:58:09 · 6 answers · asked by who_me_x 3

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance that ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students called Plato?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test".
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first Filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the Filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me someth

2006-12-15 01:52:48 · 12 answers · asked by your pete 4

One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodeling". One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. He said, "What are you doing here! No one is supposed to be here! We are closed for the weekend for remodeling!"

The one nun said, "Well, we're dead and we can't go back." "Alright," said St. Peter. "What we are going to do is send you back for the weekend as whoever you wish to be and then we'll accept you back into Heaven," exclaimed St. Peter as he looks at the first nun.

"Okay, who do you want to be?" he asks the nun. "Well, I thought her life was very interesting especially since she gave her life to God, so I want to be Joan of Arc." Poof!

The first nun becomes Joan of Arc. "Okay, You're next," as her looks at the second nun, "Who do you want to be?" "! ! Well, I thought her life was very interesting and she died a tragic death, so I want to become Marilyn Monroe," pronounces the second nun. Poof!

The second nun becomes Marilyn Monroe. "Okay, who do you want to be?" St. Peter says to the third nun. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean." "Excuse me?!?" confusingly asks St. Peter. "I want to be Alice Kapipelean!" exclaims the nun. St. Peter replies, "Pardon me Sister, we have no record of any Alice Kapipelean being on earth," explains St. Peter.

"There is TOO an Alice Kapipelean and I have proof right HERE!!!" shouts the nun. St. Peter takes the news article and read it. "Oh my, Sister. You have misread this article. This article says that the Alaska Pipeline was laid by 500 men in six months."

2006-12-15 01:49:59 · 19 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Not long ago and far far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the sick elves.

Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mum was going to come and visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.........More stress.

Then he began to load his sleigh, when one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the floor and scattered the toys all around.

Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of tea and a shot of sherry. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had drunk all his booze and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped his teapot and it shattered into a million pieces and all over the kitchen floor. He got his broom to sweep all the bits up only to find that the mice had eaten the straw off the end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cursed on his way to the door.

He opened the door to see a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Isn't it a lovely day today Santa? I brought you a lovely Xmas tree. Where shall I stick it?" And that, my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

2006-12-15 01:48:42 · 20 answers · asked by Drop a heart, break a name 3

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly
irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how
horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could
have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his
friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so
terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did
you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife
in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the
gun on himself!"


"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse." How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it
have been worse?"


"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d
be dead now!"

2006-12-15 01:42:21 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."



Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.



As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.



The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet, you got dem on the wrong feet!".

2006-12-15 01:40:59 · 13 answers · asked by ? 2

1. Midgets
2. Farts
3. Retards
or do you have a favorite funny thing

2006-12-15 01:25:34 · 11 answers · asked by traila_dwella 3

2006-12-15 01:19:25 · 17 answers · asked by *STAR* 3

He got confused after reading 'put 5 pressies under a tree!'

2006-12-15 01:14:06 · 14 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

2006-12-15 00:34:46 · 61 answers · asked by Angelica 3

I don't get this joke at all :S

this is the original question

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AlN8HWodJNpNyczdhNb9.oQjzKIX?qid=20061201102247AASbqRN

2006-12-14 23:42:27 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do I get him off?

2006-12-14 23:38:56 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.

Can you guess the riddle?

97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the riddle?

2006-12-14 23:35:33 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-14 23:32:25 · 8 answers · asked by Calvin James Hammer 6

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar,
Santa drives a rusty car,
Press the starter,
Press the choke,
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke!

2006-12-14 23:28:10 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried again, and
this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this
very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs.

2006-12-14 23:18:38 · 35 answers · asked by Pd 6

1. 'Doctor, please come . My Son Swallowed A Razor Blade."
"Don't Panic, I'm Coming Immediately, HAVE u DONE ANYTHING YET?"
"YEA, I SHAVED WITH A ELECTRIC RAZOR"
2. "Doctor, will i be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"yes, Of course......"
"Great, I never could Before"
3. A Man speaks Frantically into the phone,
"My Wife isPregnant, and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart"
"is This her FIRST CHILD?"
"no u idiot, this is her husband SPEAKING"
4. A LAZY MAN was TAKING a rest by lying on a LOG!
THE GUY is WAY too lazy! when a passer by was coming, he said: GET TO THE END OF THE LINE!!
"but SIR, i don't see any line!!"
"wait till one forms"

2006-12-14 23:07:29 · 15 answers · asked by Annoymous 3

.
.
.
.
.they are both empty from the neck up :)

2006-12-14 22:54:20 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

She gave me the Change :))

2006-12-14 22:46:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous