Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

its suppossed to get really cold this weekend they say its going to be minus 5 in ipswich

2006-12-15 09:34:38 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

one of his friends says to him, How the hell do you two have sex.
well, the huge guy said, i sit naked on a chair she sits on top and i bob her up and down,
Ya know his friend said, that dont sound too bad.
The big guy said

well it's kinda like jerking off only i got somebody to talk to.

2006-12-15 09:33:59 · 22 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside an operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out, and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

“A circumcision,” the first kid answers.

“Whoa!” the second kid says. “Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year.”

2006-12-15 09:29:25 · 16 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

An employer was having a few financial set backs and came to the conclusion that he was going to have to lay off someone.
All of his employees were very good so he was having a very difficult time deciding which person it was going to be. Finally he narrowed it down to two employees in which he needed to pick one. Their names were Jack and Jill. Both were very good workers so he decided that the first one to go to the drinking fountain would be the one that he would lay off. He waited paitiently for quite some time when finally Jill comes walking over to the drinking fountain with a couple aspirins in her hand.

The employer says, "Jill,I have a problem and I am going to have to lay you or Jack off" she quickly responds saying, " your're going to have to jack-off cause I have a head-ache"

2006-12-15 09:25:44 · 12 answers · asked by a m 4

A young Bulgarian peasant girl of 14 went to work in a broom factory. After two months, she told the boss she wanted to quit.

The boss was curious since she was doing a good job, so he called her into his office and asked her why she was leaving.

“Oh, it’s nothing, I just want to quit, that’s all,” she said sullenly.

“Look, I’ll give you a raise,” he offered.

“No, but thank you,” she said.

“There must be a reason,” he countered.

“OK, if you must know,” said the girl, as she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair. “Look! I haven’t had this before, it’s the broom bristles, I tell you!”

Tickled by her innocence, the boss took off his underwear and explained, “Look, it’s natural. I have it too.”

“Oh no!” the girl cried, “I must quit now before it’s too late. Not only do you have bristles but you’ve also grown a handle!”

2006-12-15 09:23:16 · 16 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

and their sex life had become repetitive so the husband suggested doing it the wheelbarrow way to spice things up a bit. How does it work asked the wife.
Well you get on all fours and i stand behind you and lift up your legs to my waist, like a wheelbarrow.
Ok, she says on one condition,
Yes, said the man and whats that


Well that we dont go by my mothers house.

2006-12-15 09:16:28 · 14 answers · asked by chris w. 7

An employer was having a few financial set backs and came to the conclusion that he was going to have to lay off someone.
All of his employees were very good so he was having a very difficult time deciding which person it was going to be. Finally he narrowed it down to two employees in which he needed to pick one. Their names were Jack and Jill. Both were very good workers so he decided that the first one to go to the drinking fountain would be the one that he would lay off. He waited paitiently for quite some time when finally Jill comes walking over to the drinking fountain with a couple aspirins in her hand.

The employer says, "Jill,I have a problem and I am going to have to lay you or Jack off" she quickly responds saying, " your're going to have to jack-off cause I have a head-ache"

2006-12-15 09:14:10 · 1 answers · asked by a m 4

An engaged man goes over to his future sister-in-law's house a week before the wedding because she said she needed him to fix her drain.

The sister invites him in and she is wearing nothing except for a sheer pink slip. "After next week, you will be married to my sister, and I will never have a chance to make love to you. I am going to go upstairs into my bed, and if you are interested you will follow. If you aren't you can leave with no hard feelings." She says and promptly walks up the stairs with her fantastic @$$ wiggling about.

The man immediately turns around and heads for the door. When he opens it his fiance, and future mother and father in law are standing there. "You have made us very proud, son. I knew you were perfect for my daughter. You have my blessing to marry her next week."

Moral of the story? Keep your condoms in the car.

2006-12-15 09:02:15 · 19 answers · asked by a m 4

LIttle Bo Peep was sucking his c0ck
As soon as he came
She started to weep
She could tell by the taste
He'd been f#cking her sheep

2006-12-15 09:00:04 · 23 answers · asked by Ecko 4

i don't know the name but i no its by baby cham and riannah
here's the chorus:
boy ya make my heart go boom boom boom
every time ya get me hot it goes boom boom boom
when ya touch me like that it goes boom boom boom
ya know when ya hit the spot it goes boom boom boom
can i have the lyrics pllzzz

2006-12-15 08:54:07 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

escape from a laboratory one night and make a run for it, they burrow under the fence and come across a field of carrots they spend all night eating to their hearts content the next morning the older of the two says"I am going back to the lab" "dont be silly" said the younger one "lets see whats in the next field" so on they go to the next field which just happens to be full of cabbages so they spend another night eating as much cabbage as rabbitly possible. the next morning the older says"I really have to go back to the lab" the younger says "just one more field ok this is the first taste of freedom we have ever had" so on they go to the next field. this one is full of young female rabbits and they spend all night ******* like rabbits(as they do) the next morning the older one says "that is it I really need to go back to the lab" the younger replies "what are you goin on about we have spent two of the last three nights eating to our hearts content and last night we had our way with

2006-12-15 08:52:54 · 8 answers · asked by t00t5 2

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

2006-12-15 08:40:14 · 20 answers · asked by Budapest1 2

what are some good tongue twisters?

2006-12-15 08:39:13 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Priest was seated next to Paddy on a flight.Paddy ordered a rum and coke.The flight attendant asked the Priest if he would like a drink.He replied in disgust,"i'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips." Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"...

2006-12-15 08:38:27 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.

Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

2006-12-15 08:37:08 · 15 answers · asked by Budapest1 2

2006-12-15 08:33:40 · 5 answers · asked by LoVE LiFE 3

A bloke goes into an employment agency in London for a look through
the job vacancies when he spots something.

"Wanted", it says. "Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors $2000 a week guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses." Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so the bloke makes a note of the reference number and fronts up at the counter. "I'd like to apply for this job", he says, "reference number E/784/B46-OP1737AZR2D2."

"Oh, that one," says the clerk. "It's a model agency right here in
London and are looking for a pubic hair snipper. You see, they supply girls who model underwear and bathers, and before they go on the catwalk they report to you and you have to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London, that sort of thing. And you have to get used to living in first-class hotels..."

2006-12-15 08:32:50 · 9 answers · asked by Budapest1 2

if you can tell me the answer and what old very well known show it came from you will get the points........ill post a hint in a little while

2006-12-15 08:20:55 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is your favorite knock knock joke?

2006-12-15 08:20:08 · 14 answers · asked by Rachel T. 2

This is magic! Keep scrolling down & you'll see santa's pen*s!!!!
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Act your F*cking age, there is no Santa!!!
Happy Hoildays

2006-12-15 08:05:37 · 3 answers · asked by Myastar 4

Two firefighters are buttf--king in a smoke filled room.

The fire chief walks in and says "What the hell is going on in here?!"

The Firefighter says "well sir, this man has got smoke inhalation."

The Chief says "why didn''t you give him mouth to mouth"

The Firefighter says "How do you think this s--t got started?

2006-12-15 08:02:49 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-15 07:27:02 · 18 answers · asked by urzalwayz5646 4

I have been taken in by a Home Depot scam.

Here's how the scam works.
I had just finished shopping at Home Depot and was loading my merchandise into the trunk of my car. When 2 beautiful girls came up to my car and started to wash the windshield of my car. Thier breasts were almost falling out of their halters. So naturely I was looking with interest.
I thanked them and offered them a tip. But they refused. Instead they asked me if I'd give them a ride to another Home Depot. I told them I would. One got in the back seat and the other one pulled off all her clothes and was all over me. While the other one stole my wallet.
It happened to me on Sept. 18th, November 1st.and three times last week and once yesterday. And I think it may happen again tomorrow. So tell your friends to be careful.

2006-12-15 07:24:38 · 15 answers · asked by Cal 5

My son is really into knock knock jokes and riddles right now but he's run through every one we can think of or remember. Are there any sites for jokes that are appropriate for 4 year olds. Do you have any to share?

2006-12-15 07:21:07 · 9 answers · asked by Amy B 2

What, did he die today or something? I know he didn't, so what the f'ing deal?

2006-12-15 07:12:51 · 7 answers · asked by Neerdowellian 6

2006-12-15 06:59:33 · 18 answers · asked by shygirl78 4

Sleeping at Church


A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon.

The wife, being embarrassed by her husband's loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service with her and poke him when he nods off.

The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep. When the preacher asked, 'Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?' The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, 'Oh my God!' The preacher said, 'That's correct.' And the husband sat down mumbling to himself.

He soon fell asleep again and when the preacher got to the question, 'And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?' The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, 'Jesus Christ!' And the preacher said, 'Right again.' With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act.

The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher said, 'What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?' The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, 'If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in half!'

2006-12-15 06:42:32 · 15 answers · asked by 24 inch chain!!! 2

I remember when i was camping with my Girl Scout Troop in like 3rd grade we were singing this song that goes like this:

Sittin on the front porch, chewin my bubblegum(make chewing sounds)
Rollin my yoyo(whoowhoo)
And then u say
Something comes along and u ask them something what happened and they say like i ate my brother. Does anyone know the whole thing?

2006-12-15 06:31:56 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Truth


A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3am and says, 'Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?' She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad. 'Where the heck have you been?!?! 'Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her. ''Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!' She sees his hands are covered with powder and... 'You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!'

2006-12-15 06:30:35 · 21 answers · asked by 24 inch chain!!! 2

riddle

2006-12-15 06:28:52 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous