Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Why do hippos do their romancing underwater? You know how hard it is to keep a five-hundred pound .p.ussy wet? <<...

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A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other guy says, "No. You can have it."

The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

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How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean.

2006-12-13 23:54:53 · 12 answers · asked by ? 2

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm, The wife turned over and said “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” Her Hubby, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, “Well, do you have a dental appointment tomorrow too?”

2006-12-13 23:49:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-13 23:29:28 · 8 answers · asked by Pope my ride! 4

don't let the name fool you - the rockies ain't the stones you'd have to get over at this cow country clash. what is it?

2006-12-13 23:28:54 · 2 answers · asked by red 2

A World Cup match actualy. A drunk guy with a bottle of beer in his hand walks to his sofa, sits on it and looks at his TV. At the top of the screen it says "Trinidad & Tobago vs. England." He yells,

"How come two countries play against one country at the same time! It's unfair! Poor England."

2006-12-13 23:25:24 · 5 answers · asked by Бадьгаа 1

His doc, who happened to be walking below the window, looked up when the patient stopped or cut peeing in the middle. Doc thought that his patient is feeling shame, thus recovering from madness. Then, he asked his patient "Why did you stop peeing?", to which the patient answered "I stopped because you might grab my urine and pull me fall down."

2006-12-13 22:59:54 · 7 answers · asked by Бадьгаа 1

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes
in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably
won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be
OK, you'll walk again, but something happened. I'm trying to break
this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were
unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be
alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will
work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it
doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.
"So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches
you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if
you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher
she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you
decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the
decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the
next day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?" "I
have," says the fellow. "And has she helped you in making the decision?" "She
has," says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen".

2006-12-13 22:52:09 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from the mental home, goes stright to the local laundret where he rapes all the women before running away.

Next day the headlines in the paper reads....

Nut Screws Washers and Bolts

2006-12-13 22:35:05 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is it because they do not know the words?

2006-12-13 22:27:39 · 17 answers · asked by Inky 1

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark,
After 20 years wife turns on the light and finds him holding a vibrator,She goes mental,"You Impotent b@stard! How could you lie to me all these years"
Husband looks her straight in the eye & calmly says " i'll explain the toy,you explain the kids"

2006-12-13 22:21:49 · 29 answers · asked by carshalton70 3

2006-12-13 22:20:01 · 8 answers · asked by ReAdInG tHiS wAsTeS 5 SeCoNdS oF yOuR pReCiOuS LiFe 1

2006-12-13 22:16:07 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

The young nun in the convent goes to the Mother Superior and say she is very worried as she has these growths on her chest. The Mother Superior smiles and says “There is nothing to worry about my child, you are simply growing into a woman” The Mother Superior can see that the young nun is still worried and so says she will take her to see the Farther Abbot who will explain the ‘ways of the world’

The following day the Mother Superior and the young nun arrive at the rooms of the Farther Abbot. Mother Superior tells him that the young nun has a worry and that she will get them tea and biscuits and then leave them alone together so he can explain things to her.

Siting with the tea and biscuits the Farther Abbot asks what the problem is. The young nun opens her clothes and shows the Farther Abbot her chest and say “Look, I have these growths on my chest” “That’s nothing at all to worry about you are just becoming a woman” At that he lifts up his robes and says “Look, I got this when I became a man” “That’s OK” said the young nun “...but when will I get one of those?” farther Abbot smiled and said “As soon as you’ve finished your tea and biscuits”

2006-12-13 22:08:47 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-13 21:57:57 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

But none have come up regarding Russians and Polonium????

Anyone?

2006-12-13 21:37:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn £400 for a bl0w job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on £800 a year!!!"

2006-12-13 21:32:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-13 21:28:34 · 17 answers · asked by swan 1

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba,said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!""Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.""What fer?" asked Bubba."Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?""No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."


Thumbs up or down?

Justin

2006-12-13 21:13:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men go into a restaurant, they have a lovely meal and the bill comes to £30.

They each pay £10.

The waiter realises he did the maths wrong and the bill is actually only £25.

The waiter goes back to the table but sneakily pockets £2 on the way.

He gives each man £1 back, so each man has now paid £9.

Three times £9 is £27, plus the £2 in the waiters pocket equals £29.

So where did the last £1 go?

2006-12-13 21:11:04 · 27 answers · asked by mcfishyd 2

alright here's the deal - my brother has been a bit of a jerk to me lately so me and my friends decided to get him GOOD! he's a really heavy sleeper and he went to bed a couple hours ago, so we made our move.

what we did is we snuck into his room, squirted super glue on his hairline and back of his head, then we put my big blonde fembot wig from halloween on him! that didnt wake him up, so we took it a bit further and put some lip stain (the 16 hour stuff) and waterproof mascara on him too. if he doesnt wake up in the next few hours, we might even try to get him into a dress!

i think itll be really funny when he wakes up and finds out hes wearing a big blonde wig that wont come off and pretty makeup that wont wash off either! i really wish i had a camera so i could get pics of him trying to pull the wig off.

is this a great prank or is it too much?

2006-12-13 21:06:04 · 25 answers · asked by kim g 1

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

2006-12-13 20:58:58 · 21 answers · asked by Mary 6

2006-12-13 20:55:00 · 15 answers · asked by EVA J 4

Whats the punchline?

2006-12-13 20:48:56 · 5 answers · asked by barbel_basher 1

A family are driving behind a sust cart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen.Embarassed and to protect her young sons innocense the woman says 'that was a big insect' to which one of the boys replied 'I'm surprised it can fly with a penis like that!

2006-12-13 20:45:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bruce came up to his bride Sheila one morning.

"I'm feeling toey, Sheila. Howzabout we have a bonzer fight?"

"I can't, Bruce. I'm feeling tapped - I've got my period."

"What the bloody hell's that, Sheila?"

"You know - On the Rag? Red Sails in the Sunset? Freddie's visiting?" Noting Bruce's vacant expression, Sheila sighed, dropped her shorts and showed him her bloody pad.

"Jesus!" exclaimed Bruce, shocked. "No wonder you're bleeding - some bastard's come along and cut your c*ck off!"

2006-12-13 20:40:46 · 3 answers · asked by Minmi 6

A man had to show his grey chest hair to prove he could get his pension. His wife said 'you should have shown them your cock and we could have got disability too.'

2006-12-13 20:40:12 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Its a puzzle, think over it before u reply!

2006-12-13 20:35:54 · 8 answers · asked by amit b 1

A German & an Italian soldier crossed each other's paths in 1943.

The Italian surrendered,.

The German shot him.

2006-12-13 20:35:18 · 3 answers · asked by Minmi 6

Bjorn & Annika get married & invite all their friends back to their apartment after the civil ceremony. The schnapps is simply being guzzled, and the mood is satisfyingly ambivalent.

Bjorn gets caught up with some mates for 20 minutes or so, losing Annika & his best man, Sven. He has an insight into the Finnish economy he simply MUST share with them, so he goes looking for them.

He & his entourage come across them having languid sex on the marital bed. Bjorn turns to the other partrygoers & says

"Ha! Sven's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

2006-12-13 20:33:17 · 1 answers · asked by Minmi 6

2006-12-13 20:25:53 · 29 answers · asked by the gay bear 1