Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-13 20:21:58 · 12 answers · asked by the gay bear 1

A man was walking along the fence of a funeral cemetry alone in a dark night. He was so scared. Fortunately, he saw a figure which was a woman. He approached her and asked her to walk with him. The woman agreed to walk with him. While walking together, the man said "I'm very scared when I walk alone around cemetries at night", to which the woman responded "I used to be too when I was alive."

2006-12-13 20:20:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

heard any good ones that are creative and dont swear? my favorites to a girl are: nobody told you you're supposed to eat cottage cheese not let it roll down your thighs? and to a guy: Why do you have both ears pierced, your boyfriend need love handles?

2006-12-13 20:14:23 · 5 answers · asked by sufferingnomad 5

John broke wind when he was seeing movie in theater with her girlfriend. Very embarrased, he turned to his girlfriend, but she asked,
"What did you say?"
"Nothing."

2006-12-13 20:09:29 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman takes off her knickers and sits in the dentists chair with a leg on each arm.The dentist says 'I'm terribly sorry madam but you've made a mistake,this is the dentists not the gynaecologists,that's on the next floor' 'No mistake' she replied. 'Yesterday you fitted my husband with new dentures. Today I want you to take them out.'

2006-12-13 20:02:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

:)

2006-12-13 19:58:26 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

-- Ways To Reject Pick-Up Lines --

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "Female impersonator."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized."

Man: "Where have you been all my life?"
Woman: "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

2006-12-13 19:41:49 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

i was gonna ----------------------- but then i got high. i was gonna-------------------------- but then i got high---------------------------------and-------------- is stil ------------------------------------because i got high because i got high because i got high.

2006-12-13 19:41:23 · 7 answers · asked by DoubleOshann 1

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend, Rosita,
were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon,
when
Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please, baby, just once, play Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."






Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

2006-12-13 19:37:07 · 43 answers · asked by David B 3

It's been asked before but I'm askin' again. 10 points to the person who cracks me up (I'm a bit tipsy so it shouldn't be too hard).

2006-12-13 19:34:59 · 16 answers · asked by ReeniePie 3

A guy walking along the beach finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a 2 genies appears
One Genies says “we will give you 3 wishes”.
The genies say take your time making your wishes.
Guy says “I would like £50 million”.
Woosh!!! He has £50million.
He buys a mansion on the beach in the USA
And buys a couple of Rolls-Royce cars
Thinks next wish.
He says “he would like the most gorgeous
Women in the world at my side".
Woosh!!! These gorgeous women are at his side
A mansion full of gorgeous women
He thinks I wish!!!!!
Suddenly there’s as knock on the front door
He opens it 2 men in KKK hoods drag him to
The nearest tree and hang him


These guys remove KKK hoods and it’s the genies
One says “why would a guy with all that money
And all those gorgeous women want to be hung
Like a black man “???



Remember it's only a joke

2006-12-13 19:29:44 · 17 answers · asked by scousey1505 1

was it funny or was you disgusted??. a little controversy never hurt anyone surly!!????

2006-12-13 19:27:01 · 8 answers · asked by gooner1972 3

Vajpayee, Musharraf, Madhuri Dixit and Margaret Thatcher are traveling in a train. The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. Thatcher and Vajpayee are sitting there looking perplexed. Musharraf is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap. All of them remain diplomatic and nobody says anything.

Thatcher is thinking: "These Pakistanis are all crazy after Madhuri. Musharraf must have tried to kiss her in the tunnel. Very proper that she slapped him"

Madhuri is thinking: "Musharraf must have moved to kiss me, and kissed Margaret instead and got slapped."

Musharraf is thinking: "Damn! it, Vajpayee must have tried to kiss Madhuri, she thought it was me and slapped! me."

Vajpayee is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap Musharraf again."

2006-12-13 19:20:28 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

becuz he had no body to go with ahahhahaha
plz answer this and tell me what you thought

1&2- stupid
3&4- i dont get it
5&6- i get it
7&8- oh its not funny
9&10-hahahhahahah thats funny!

2006-12-13 18:53:19 · 13 answers · asked by misspoohbear012 1

it has ten legs, no hands, two head , three eyes, four nose n eleven ears. wat is it

2006-12-13 18:44:24 · 18 answers · asked by tikkuturkey 1

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What do you do if a bird sh-ts on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.

2006-12-13 18:42:08 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Do you love your country?
A: Yes, I do.
Q: Can you die for your country?
A: How am I supposed to love my country while I am dead.

An ad:
Wanted a worker who can do work at the worlplace. Money is paid as salary.

Honey is **** of plants, which is uncompletely processed in the stomach of some flying insects and then released from inside the insects as vomit.

"I was so depressed and so sick of the world this morning that I wanted to die. So I decided to take 100 pills of aspirin to kill myself".
"What happened then?"
"However, after two pills, I felt so good and at ease that there was no need anymore to die"

Do you want a lot of $$$$? Nothing is easier than getting a lot of $$$$. Just press shift and then, still holding the shift button down, long and long press Four button.

Some marriages end up unsuccessfull, some last whole life unsuccessful.

90% of desiring thoughts to drink alcohol occurrs in sober minds. Try not to be sober.

2006-12-13 18:41:22 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

And Chuck Norris has to sleep with a night light on, not because he is afraid of the dark...but because the dark is afraid of him!!!

2006-12-13 18:31:21 · 11 answers · asked by IMHO 6

A woman is in the hospital giving birth, and she's up on the stirrups. All of a sudden, the baby's head pops out and looks up at the nurse. "Are you my daddy?" asks the baby head. Shocked, the nurse replies concerned, "Uh, no, I'm not your dad, Ill run and go get him!". With this, the baby's head turns to the doctor and says, "Are you my daddy?". "My goodness no! But the nurse is going to get him, he will be here any minute." Finally, the father comes into the room and the baby sees him and says, "Are you my daddy?" To which the shocked father goes up close to the baby's head and says, "Yes, son, I'm your father."



The baby pulls his hand out and pokes the father in the head and says, "Well then... STOP POKING ME IN THE HEAD!"

2006-12-13 18:30:28 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-13 18:19:22 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear...?

2006-12-13 18:14:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last time, we had this following riddle:

What did Mozart do after he died?
A: He decomposed!

Hehe.... and here is today's riddle:

What do you call a horse that runs the city?

Good luck! :)

2006-12-13 17:34:00 · 12 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

2006-12-13 17:33:27 · 11 answers · asked by javier c 2

A sunburned mulatto! A ha ha ha ha
And no I'm not a racist but you gotta admit that was pretty damn clever

2006-12-13 17:09:55 · 15 answers · asked by ? 1

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks -
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front lines, Sir!"
"Good man!" says the Major.
He goes to the next bed.
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!"
"What's your ambition?"
"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"

how is it???when u can dedicate one for me then i can do 2 for u, i wish u a very smileful day ah

have a good day and a smiling1 too!

2006-12-13 17:06:40 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Best and FUNNIEST answer wins (gets 10 pts).

2006-12-13 17:04:52 · 13 answers · asked by Kally 1

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a t-u-r-d, dirty tree and a t-u-r-d, and dirty tree and a t-u-r-d, data makea one hundred. So, when I start work?

2006-12-13 16:55:24 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
(waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . $1.00

2006-12-13 16:53:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'when I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a-s-s.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s-h-i-t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a-s-s.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub = thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2006-12-13 16:50:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two elderly men were having a conversation about sex:

1st Old man: "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a thirty year old!"

2nd Old man: "You're kidding!! I can't even manage once! What's your secret?"

1st Old man: "Well, my secret is to eat a lot of whole-wheat bread. I am not kidding!"

So the second old man rushed to the bread store.

Clerk: "May I help you?"

Old man: "I want five loaves of whole-wheat bread, please!"

Clerk: "Man, that's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!"

Old man: "Damn!! Does EVERYONE know about this, except me?!!"

2006-12-13 16:46:47 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous