Any one know a good joke?

Question

It's been asked before but I'm askin' again. 10 points to the person who cracks me up (I'm a bit tipsy so it shouldn't be too hard).

Answer 1

LOL um... I dunno, look at a pole? XD It works on one of my friends, even when she isn't drunk. UM LET'S SEE... AIGHT!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'when I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a-s-s.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s-h-i-t out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a-s-s.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub = thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Answer 2

Women's Vocabulary:-
Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

- This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

- Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing".

Answer 3

i tell u 3 right now.....

1)A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."

The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"

2)During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”

Lastly)A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: “Delayed by storm. Send instructions”
His boss e-mails back: “Start vacation immediately”

You OK now? LOL!

Answer 4

Man 1 : Hey man, what's up?

Man 2 : Hey buddy! I just bought this new expensive hearing aid, and I'm not deaf anymore! I can hear perfectly clear now!

Man 1 : Really? How much was it?

Man 2 : Just yesterday.





An elderly couple had just finished having sex in the morning.

Old Lady : Ooohh, I'm still feeling wild, let's have breakfast in bed naked!

Old Man : Fine, whatever suits you.

After a while....

Old Lady : Ooohh, you know even after all these years, you still can work it old man! My nipples are still tingling up to now!

Old Man : Ofcourse you would! Your breasts are in your damn coffee.





What is the motto of soldiers:
No pain, no gain!

What is the motto of policemen?
No guts, no glory!

What is the motto of security guards?
No ID, No Entry!!!

Answer 5

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice -- picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women
shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man
frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make
you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "


I'm here to feed the alligator."

Answer 6

The traveling incense salesman was walking along the dusty road out of New Delhi when he realized he needed a place to sleep. He saw the root gatherers hut in the distance and headed for it. He knocked at the entrance-way and the root gatherer came to the door and said "Yes". The incense salesman said, " I am a traveling incense salesman and I need a place to sleep for the night." The root gatherer said, " You are welcome to sleep here, but you will have to sleep up in the loft with my daughter." He answered "OK" and climbed the ladder to the loft. The next morning he came down and squatted down next to the root gatherer and accepted a cup of tea. The root gatherer asked, "Did you enjoy sleeping with my daughter?". The salesman said, "Yes I did very very much, but I have to ask, why was there rice in her mouth?". The root gatherer replied, "Oh, that is not rice, that is maggots, she has been dead for two years."

Answer 7

How does a coin begin a story?

Once upon a dime!


Knock Knock!
Whos there?
Jean
Jean who?
Jeanuis u just dont reconize it!


Why did the football player take an axe with him to the courtyard?
He wanted to break the record!

Answer 8

a blonde walks into a doctors office with two red ears.

doctor: "oh my gosh!! what happened

blonde: "well i was ironing some of my shirts and the phone rang, but i accidentally put the iron up to my ear instead of the phone."

doctor: "my goodness, but why is your other ear red?"

blonde: "that son of a ****** called again!!!"

Answer 9

There was once a blonde that had just won the lottery. She wanted to spend it on a mansion, so she did.

She had now bought her mansion. NOW, she wanted to name it. So, she said, "THE FIRST WORDS I HEAR ON TV IS WHAT I'LL NAME MY MANSION!

And the first words she heard was hairy butt. So then, she wanted to get a puppy. So, she bought a puppy. She then siad, "THE FIRST WORDS I HEAR ON TV IS WHAT I'LL NAME MY PUPPY!"

And the first words she heard was cheecks. She named her dog cheecks.

One day she lost her puppy and went to the police. She said, "I looked ALL over my hairy butt but couldn't find my cheecks!!"

Answer 10

What did the Mexican Fire Chief call his two sons?

Hose A
and
Hose B