Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the
checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is
suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his
cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack
or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband
will surely die".

"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to
work in a good mood."

"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him
in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."

"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him
with household chores."

"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress,
have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in
bed."

On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked,
"So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What
did he tell you?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

2006-12-13 11:33:07 · 14 answers · asked by Rock 2

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

"Do you know what I’m doing?" he asks.

"Yes," she replies. "You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."

"That’s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.

"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place."

2006-12-13 11:27:41 · 11 answers · asked by ? 5

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep
tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's
families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception
room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, the Police
were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court.

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally
brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in
Court!"

The court room goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and
say's. "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I
should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is
traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first
dance with the Bride.

The Judge says," OK"

2006-12-13 11:21:15 · 13 answers · asked by a m 4

I have a comedy routine to do on Friday. PLEASE HELP!!!

2006-12-13 11:13:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call a man with a blanket on his head???






Answer: A man with a blanket on his head!
ROFL LMAO HAHAHAHAHAHA SO HILARIOUS!!! HOPE YOU LIKE IT!! HApPY HOLIDAYS!

2006-12-13 11:11:50 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A doctor and his son are driving on a busy road ,They have a crash. .And the doctor dies.the son is rushed to hospital.All the young doctors are worried .And sent for the old doctor.The old doctor gets there and says .I can't operate he's my son

2006-12-13 11:06:43 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

between a prostitute and a motorway? One knackers your tyres and the other tires your knackers !!!!!!

2006-12-13 11:00:35 · 11 answers · asked by Shredder 6

Answer in 10 minutes!!! MWAHAHA. Happy Holidays

2006-12-13 10:43:51 · 22 answers · asked by fatcatjack9000 2

take a look and tell me what you think

http://www.jokesandhumor.com/jokes/582.html

2006-12-13 10:37:45 · 18 answers · asked by ? 5

They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men in their family!

Sobriety sucks, eh, Ted?

2006-12-13 10:35:15 · 5 answers · asked by Modest intellect 4

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day;

I was lucky; my sex-education was taught in braile!

Joe the flasher

A flasher named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jetway, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached toward him for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself. "I'm sorry, sir," she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket here, not your stub.

http://www.willyblues.com/

2006-12-13 10:34:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

the Russians have now discovered "glow in the dark sushi"

is this a "Chernobyl Cabbage"??, surely - it is an endangered species?

2006-12-13 10:30:41 · 21 answers · asked by ~Mustaffa~Laff~ 4

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door.

2006-12-13 10:30:28 · 11 answers · asked by a m 4

This girl told me the funnest joke she's heard was the cat farted at nine oclock...it wasn't funny but i laughed because i thought it was really weird.

2006-12-13 10:26:23 · 12 answers · asked by tysexy25 2

One day Jesus is welcoming people into heaven when this old man shuffles up to the pearly gates.
Jesus says to the man. "What have you done to enter the kingdom of heaven?"
the old man says,"i am just a poor carpender. the only thing of real immportants in my life was that of my son.
"your son?" Jesus says getting interested.
"yes he was quite a son. He went through the most remarkable birth and later a great transformation. He was quite well known and is still loved by many today.
"father! father!" Jesus hugs the man.
The man hugs him back and says "Pinnocio?"

2006-12-13 10:23:39 · 17 answers · asked by yuuki chan 3

my wife asked me to give her 12 inches and make her bleed.

So I f*cked her 3 times and punched her in the mouth.

2006-12-13 10:20:39 · 18 answers · asked by fivehundredmonkeys 2

2006-12-13 10:17:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

You have three light switches and three lights. The lights are upstairs and the switches are downstairs. You can only go upstairs ONCE and you can't come down.

How do you figure out which switch goes with which bulb??


Note: This isn't so idiotic question. Its not like "Oh well superman came down, laser beamed the wall, and I could see the lights, there done!"

It VERY logical.....not dumb

2006-12-13 10:15:47 · 6 answers · asked by Greg H 1

Willys cynical thought for the fugging day;

I'm a graduate with a degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?

Little Johnny was watching a movie on TV. A man ripped off a woman's blouse and said, "I want what I want when I want it!"

Little Johnny watched the love-making which followed and decided to try what he had just witnessed on Little Susie. He went over to her house, found that her parents weren't home from work yet, ripped off her blouse and said, "I want what I want when I want it!"

Little Susie stared at him and cooly replied... "You'll get what I got when I get it!"

http://www.willyblues.com/

2006-12-13 10:13:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

just want to say sry about the joke i posted earlier, i can see now how people of ipswich didnt see the funny side of it, i hope the killer gets caught soon before more deaths are accoured, i have deleted it, thoughts with the parents and friends concerned, sry once again

2006-12-13 10:09:10 · 12 answers · asked by a m 4

man goes to zoo. man was not pleased - there was only one animal in the zoo. It was a dog. It was a very small dog. It was a shizu.

is it in French?

2006-12-13 10:04:33 · 15 answers · asked by ~Mustaffa~Laff~ 4

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

Fantastic!" replies the first man.

2006-12-13 10:02:51 · 13 answers · asked by a m 4

AAA With a sieve.

2006-12-13 10:02:25 · 10 answers · asked by fivehundredmonkeys 2

Rule #1: THINK SIMPLE
1. How do you put a Giraffe in a Refrigirator?
2. How do you put an Elephant in a Refrigirator?
3. The Lion King animals are having a meeting. Everyone is there except for one animal. Who is it and why is he missing?
4. There's a crocodile-infested river that you need to cross, but there's no bridge and you can't possibly make one. You have no other man-made means of crossing. How can you cross?
If you want the answers, email me at bcdaurelle@yahoo.com

2006-12-13 09:57:08 · 13 answers · asked by Pianist d'Aurellius 4

They've lost 5 of their best hookers!

2006-12-13 09:56:41 · 11 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

AAA Because they like the sound of their own misplaced, badly composed bigotry, and are too lazy to actually comprehend what they are commenting on.

Land of the free, hey? HAH!

2006-12-13 09:53:35 · 13 answers · asked by fivehundredmonkeys 2

Okay, this riddle takes some imagination.

You are trapped in a house. There are no windows, no doors, there is no chimney, basically no way out. And, no, you can't tunnel out, so don't try. The only things in the house is a table and a mirror (and yourself, of course). Using ONLY the table and the mirror, how do you get out of the house?

Even if someone doesn't guess the answer, I will still award the 10 points to the most creative person.

Good luck!

2006-12-13 09:52:57 · 4 answers · asked by B_U_T_FULL 2

2006-12-13 09:52:37 · 9 answers · asked by stevieeee12000 2

TWO WOMEN TALKING

Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I Mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from these football player shoulders of mine.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms, see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me easier.

2006-12-13 09:52:06 · 22 answers · asked by ||| Romeo Boy ||| 4

Does anyone know the joke about the guy on the desert island with Cindy Crawford? (It may have been another model, but I think it was her.) The point of the joke was that the guy wanted her to dress up like a man--he was more excited about bragging to another guy about being on the island with C.C. than enjoying actually BEING on the island with her. That's the gist of it, but would like actual joke if anyone has heard it. Grazie.

2006-12-13 09:46:04 · 2 answers · asked by chiennoir54 4