Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

They both lick their "paws"

2006-12-13 07:02:55 · 19 answers · asked by valerie s 3

A student went to visit his grandma and he brought some "little pils" with him. After a while he notices that his pils are gone so he asks his granny about that and she says:" F**k the pills, did you see those dragons in the kitchen?!?"

2006-12-13 07:00:14 · 14 answers · asked by Nina Maria S 2

Three men die in a car accident Christmas eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something Christmassy.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a Christmas card, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
He answered, "They're Carol's."

2006-12-13 06:58:42 · 12 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

simple if ya tink about it

2006-12-13 06:58:16 · 8 answers · asked by Book of Changes 3

I'm not sure if any one will knnow what I'm talking about, but I'll ask any way.

A few years ago (I think) a lady called the radio station and wanted them to play a prank on her boyfriend. When they called, a female answered his phone and she found out he was cheating on her. Does any one know where I can find/download this from?

2006-12-13 06:57:11 · 3 answers · asked by Shaq 2

You are a bus driver. In your first stop, 4 people got off and 3 people got on. In the second stop, 9 people got on, and 17 people got off. At the third stop, 18 people got on, and 6 got off.
What is the colour of the bus driver's eyes?

2006-12-13 06:56:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Ask the guy at the front door if HE would like a sticker, than procede to give him one of your little sisters "My little ponie" stickers

2. Run and hide between aisles and randomly poke people and say "Tag, your it" and run off

3. Hang out in the clothes dept. and give fashion advice such as..."That is SO not your shade" "I dont think they carry UR size" or "Anything is better than what your wearing Now"

4. Ask a manager to make an anouncement for your "lost" senile grandmother "Dixie Wrecked"

5. Go to the toy dept and set up a tea-party for you and ur imaginary friends...ask others if they would like to join

6. In the bedding department, build a fort with sheets then invite people in for a good ol' fashioned pillow fight!

7. MOVIE TIME....Grab a bag of popcorn and sit on the floor in the video department and throw popcorn randomly...saying "Whew, I wasnt expecting THAT"

8. Get washable markers and ask random people to sign your body.

2006-12-13 06:55:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

......the wheelchair

2006-12-13 06:52:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once There Was A Small Baby Monkey Stranded On A Small Island .
There Was Nothing On This Island Except Dry Grass And A Single Coconut Tree with Many Coconuts.
One Hot Day The Dry Grass Caught Fire. The Fire Spread Quickly And Soon The Whole Island Was On Fire.

To Escape The Fire The Small Baby Monkey Climbed Up The Coconut Tree, But The Wind Was Strong And The Fire Was Quickly Working Its Way Towards The Tree.

By Now The Tree And The Monkey Was Surrounded By Fire.

The Question Now Is, WHAT SHOULD THE SMALL BABY MONKEY DO TO ESCAPE THE FIRE

2006-12-13 06:51:00 · 8 answers · asked by mrbluecherry 1

The Male Stages Of Life

AGE DRINK

17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Maalox



SEDUCTION LINE

17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.



FAVORITE SPORT

17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping



DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."



FAVORITE FANTASY

17 getting to third
25 airplane sex
35 menage a trois
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave



HOUSE PET

17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 German Shepherd
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbi



WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

2006-12-13 06:42:27 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Pope is sitting on an airplane doing a crossword puzzle next to a man who is also doing a crossword puzzle.

The Pope gets stumped and leans over and asks, "Do you know a four-letter word that ends with the letters u-n-t that describe a woman?"

The man ponders for a minute and answers "Aunt!"

Embarrassed, the Pope says, "Oops! Can I borrow your eraser?"

2006-12-13 06:41:11 · 7 answers · asked by Breaking hearts since 1977 3

AGE DRINK

17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser



EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 Need to have Francois colour my wig



FAVORITE SPORT

17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping



DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"



FAVORITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man



HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat



WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66



IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast

2006-12-13 06:40:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

An airplane is about to crash. A woman who is hysterical with fear jumps out of her seat and says, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman! Is there anyone man enough on this plane to make me feel like a woman?" She then takes off all of her clothes.

Suddenly, a man sitting at the back of the plane stands up and takes of his shirt and says, "Here. Iron this!"

2006-12-13 06:36:15 · 23 answers · asked by Breaking hearts since 1977 3

An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, “Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?”

She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed.

The young woman, waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, “I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments.”

The cunning guy now yells loudly, “What do you mean by $500?”

2006-12-13 06:35:57 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout.

Time was when, of its own accords, from my trousers it would spring.

but now I have a full time job, just to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.

For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.

But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes.

2006-12-13 06:35:40 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Women are complex creatures…..
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don’t, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don’t, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don’t, you are not understanding
If you visit her often,she thinks it is boring
If you don’t , she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don’t , you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it’s bad
If you don’t, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect her
If you don’t, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to wait
If she is late, she says that’s a girl’s way
If you visit another man, you’re not putting in “quality time”
If she is visited by another woman, “Oh it’s natural, we are girls”
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantage
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they a just admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk

In short :
So simple, yet so complex
So weak, yet so powerful
So confusing, yet so desirable
So damning, yet so wonderful……….WOMEN !……..

2006-12-13 06:33:00 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married:
Merry Christmas to you and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering that I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my hemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Merry Christmas.
Love, Mom

2006-12-13 06:30:04 · 16 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

2006-12-13 06:29:24 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-13 06:25:56 · 17 answers · asked by Violet 3

"Texas Diary" - Rated R

May 30th

Just moved to Texas. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. Mountains and deserts blended together. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-
conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 30th

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of
cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get
used to this kind of heat? Too bad it's not a dry heat. Getting used
to it is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th

Fell asleep by the pool. Got third-degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my
lesson though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th

I missed Tabby (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this
morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had
swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and exploded all over
$2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car
now smells like Kibbles and ****. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th

Dry God D*mn heat, my ***. Hot is hot! The home air conditioner is
on the fritz, and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell
me he needed to order parts.

July 30th

Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Fifteen
hundred dollars in damn house payments and we can't even go inside.
Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th

One hundred and fifteen degrees. Finally got the air conditioner
fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90.
Stupid repairman pissed in my pool. I hate this F&%kin' state.

Aug 8th

If another wise *** cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to
tear his F*@#king throat out. Damn heat. By the time I get to work
the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell
like roasted F***NG Garfield!

Aug 10th

The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny.
It's been too hot to f*ck for two damn months and the weatherman
says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this
barren desert? Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so
$1,700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the #@*&$!% pool.
Even a cactus can't live in this heat. What the F*ck!?

Aug 14th

Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 123 today. Forgot to crack the
window and blew the #@*&$!% windshield out of the Lincoln. The
installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My
wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th

Worst day of the damn summer. I'm not leaving the house. The #@*&$!%
monsoon rains finally came and all they did is make it muggier than
hell. The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in Mexico with its new
$500 windshield. That does it, we're moving back to California for
some peace and quiet.

2006-12-13 06:21:27 · 5 answers · asked by al p 3

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer...











The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

Men keep'a scrollin'...











So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never listen, either.

2006-12-13 06:19:34 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny is sitting on the front porch steps and his 17 year old sister is sitting in the swing in a dress with no panties. She notices Johnny trying to get a look up her dress so she picks up her knees and spreads her legs and asked "Johnny, what do you think about my WILDCAT?"
Johnny looks up, stares all bug eyed and replies, "That's a mean motherf*cker sis!"
Sis asked, "Why do you think he's mean?"
Johnny said, "Just look at him sis, he's got blood in one eye and sh.it in the other!"

2006-12-13 06:14:21 · 6 answers · asked by al p 3

A man stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner. When he arrived at the house he unloaded the car and took the bags to the kitchen. He had to pass through the living room where he stopped and looked at his wife who had slit her wrists. He then walks into the kitchen, unpacks the groceries and cooks dinner. Why?

2006-12-13 06:13:05 · 10 answers · asked by gemlillie 1

two flys are playing soccer on a plate
the one fly looks to the other one and says" hey man we must start playing better. we are playing in the cup next week"

2006-12-13 06:11:37 · 6 answers · asked by Megan H 2

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do.
Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!

“His buddy looks at him and says “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrongapproach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the *** and say!, WHO’S HORNY????!!!” and she acts like she’s sound asleep.

It Works Every Time!!

2006-12-13 06:08:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-13 06:07:04 · 4 answers · asked by maggi_essam 2

The other bat asked where he got all the blood. He said "follow me"......see that tree? The other bat said "yea".
The first bat said, "well, I didn't".

2006-12-13 06:00:02 · 8 answers · asked by willievanillie 2

2006-12-13 05:50:01 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares".... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera; & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"

17. Buy some 2-liter bottles of soda and shake um up and throw um as high as you can in the parking lot.

2006-12-13 05:47:50 · 15 answers · asked by woabrams 1

Joke and question?
There was a couple in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband had put on his bedlamp to read a book. As he was reading he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling with her between the legs. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book.

The wife got up and started stripping off in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, "What are doing taking all your clothes off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with me down there. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier."

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked, "Well, what were you doing then?"

"Oh!", he exclaimed, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"


and what is the funnyest word u have ever hurd for

penis...
vagina...


for me...
penis... bow jangles
vagina... nookie

2006-12-13 05:46:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous