Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is
too fockin' dangerous for me"

2006-12-13 05:44:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

You guys are good at this!

If 24 H in a D = 24 Hours in a Day.

Please help me solve these:

5 T on a F=
3 W on a T =
11 P in a F (S) T =
27 B in the N T =
13 L in a B D =
9 L of a C =
23 P of C in the H B =
64 S on a C B =
9 P in a S A =

Thanks ahead of time!!!!

2006-12-13 05:41:52 · 6 answers · asked by Theandysullivan 3

PICK THE RIGHT BANK
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no
money.

STUDY YOUR HISTORY
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk
took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy
down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

SPEAK TO THE RIGHT TELLER
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it.
He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the
name and address of another in Detroit....and in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's
signature and account number.

DON'T ADVERTISE
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up
banks.

GO EASY ON THE DISGUISE
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be
positively identified by lip-print.

TAKE RIGHT TURNS ONLY
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police
guardhouse and, thinking it was a toll-booth, offered the security men money.

BE AWARE OF THE TIME
Or the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North
Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

CONSIDER ANOTHER LINE OF WORK
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket,
shot himself in the head and died instantly.

BE STRONG
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money,
fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car, parked nearby, had the keys locked inside it.

2006-12-13 05:41:09 · 5 answers · asked by al p 3

I saw a card or picture once that said something like "Times are rough and times are hard so here's you're ****ing Christmas card" it had a picture of Santa giving the finger. Does anyone know where I can find it online?

2006-12-13 05:34:45 · 2 answers · asked by melbow35 2

His doctor says he can operate using some spare foreskin but his mother is worried it will make him c0ck eyed...

2006-12-13 05:32:49 · 15 answers · asked by Ali 3

There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back from the market. The weather was very hot and so he decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.

A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he realized was that all his hats was gone. He heard some monkeys on the tree and so he looked up. To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.

The hat-seller sits down and think of how he can get the hats down. He think and think and start scratching his head. The next moment, he realized that the monkeys were doing the same action.

Next, he took down his own hat and saw the monkeys do exactly the same. An idea came to him, he took his hat and throw it on the floor and the monkeys do that too.

So he finally managed to get all his hats back. If you think you have read this before….., read on!!!

Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey story from his grandfather.

One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, it was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and realized that the monkeys had taken all the hats. He remembered his grand father’s words, started scratching his head and the monkeys follows.

He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather’s idea, JACK threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still hold on to all the hats.

Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said “You think only you have a grandfather”.

2006-12-13 05:27:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Example: 24 H in a D = 24 Hours in a Day

Please help me with what you can:

26 L of the A =
12 S of the Z =
66 B of the B =
52 C in a P (W Js) =
13 S in the USF =
39 B of the OT =

Any you can figure out would help. Thanks!

2006-12-13 05:25:13 · 5 answers · asked by Theandysullivan 3

15 things to do at Wal Mart while your partner is taking their own sweet time

1. Pick up condom packages & randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5 minute intervals.



3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3 in house wares,'...and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.



8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from'Mission Impossible'.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!'

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! It's those voices again'.

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loud. 'We're out of toilet paper in here!

2006-12-13 05:25:08 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-13 05:24:31 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

2006-12-13 05:23:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tell me i want somthing funny

2006-12-13 05:21:16 · 3 answers · asked by woabrams 1

Well, here's a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry b---ard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy a--.

Friendship is like pi--ing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

2006-12-13 05:15:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

please read my previous post. i need the answer cos its doing my head in

2006-12-13 05:15:00 · 3 answers · asked by jkr0563 1

Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.



Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.



Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.



Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.



Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.



Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.



Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.



Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.



Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.



Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....



Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.



Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has
become dangerous...



Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.



Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!



Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.



Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.



Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!



Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

2006-12-13 05:07:18 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

ex. blondes tease,brunnetes please

2006-12-13 04:59:33 · 6 answers · asked by wildfire224 2

6 gay guys go on a cruise to the bahamas. they are three couples, all best of friends on one of these group holiday packages.
there is some sort of accident on the cruise , and three of them drown, so three of them are left without boyfriends.
they are all devastated, but the circumstances strengthen their friendship.

upon returning home to england, they decide to have a joint service for all three deceased. they leave the crematorium, and are on the way to the hotel for the wake , when the subject of the ashes comes up.

the first guy says ' my steve loved the seaside so i think i'll sprinkle his ashes at the beach, what about you guys?'
the second guy is like ' well my john loved manchester united so i'm going to try and get permission to sprinkle his ashes on the pitch at old trafford' 3rd guy is like ' i think i'm going to put daves ashes in a curry'
both his friends look at him very confused 'why?' they ask
the guys says ' i want to feel him in my @ss one last time!

2006-12-13 04:49:16 · 21 answers · asked by troubled genius 2

Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing !

Yare not very bright - Yu So Dum

Stay out of sight - Lei Lo

I got this for free - Ai No Pei

I bumped in to the coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni

2006-12-13 04:44:27 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

oMG! help!!!???!! AHHHH my fish just dies. what the heck do i do!!1 i loved that fish. it was my best friend. i had no friends but that fish. AHHHH LOL jk jk jk did u really believe that was 4 real? did u get a laugh? on a scale from 1 to 10

2006-12-13 04:43:45 · 6 answers · asked by wildfire224 2

Example: 24 H in a D = 24 hours in a day. Help me with the following please:

15 P in a R T=
100 C in a D=
8 T on a O=
6 B to an O in C=
15 M on a DMC=

All you can find out would help.

2006-12-13 04:41:13 · 4 answers · asked by Theandysullivan 3

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."The guy leaves.A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks: "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."The guy leaves.A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half."The guy leaves.The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says,"Your house."

2006-12-13 04:40:23 · 16 answers · asked by crazy_nish 1

2006-12-13 04:32:51 · 10 answers · asked by lost buddy 3

seen today on a quiz show on t.v. can you explain how you get your answer. its not 56,110 or 111

2006-12-13 04:31:24 · 19 answers · asked by jkr0563 1

This is my favorite corny joke of all time...

2006-12-13 04:25:30 · 7 answers · asked by *Angel Preciosa* 2

table green ? You'd be green if you had six legs and twenty two balls !!!!!!

2006-12-13 04:22:23 · 9 answers · asked by Shredder 6

That joke is from the Breakfast Club and Judd Nelson is asking it, but he falls through the ceiling before he finishes the joke. Is that an actual joke--has anyone ever heard the punchline?

2006-12-13 04:20:16 · 4 answers · asked by raindog312 3

It fits over his mouth!

2006-12-13 04:08:25 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-13 04:06:51 · 15 answers · asked by goldie5us 1

i pass be4 the sun..but yet make no shadow....?

2006-12-13 04:06:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Met this bloke down in Cornwall he had two black eye.

“How did you get those” I asked “Well” he said “the first one I got a few days ago when I was in church and I happened to sit behind Mary the miller’s daughter and she had on this red, silk, clingy dress and when we stood up to sing I noticed that the dress had gone up her bum a little so I leaned over and pulled in out”

Trying not to laugh I asked about the second eye. “Well” he said “yesterday I was in church again only this time with my pal Tom and sure enough we found ourselves sitting behind Mary, who had on the same silky dress and sure enough when we all stood the dress went up her bum a little and, quick as a flash, my pal Tom leaned over and pulled it out - well I know she does not like that so I leaned over and tucked it back in again.”

2006-12-13 04:05:10 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-13 04:04:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous