Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

There were three ladies who wanted to become nuns. Before they could begin their studies the priest told them they had to go out & committ one last sin. So the women went out, committed their last sin and returned to the priest.

The 1st woman approached the priest and said "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest asked, "What is your sin?"

She replied, "I committed adultery."

The priest said, "Your sins are forgiven; take a drink of the Holy Water, you may now begin your studies."

The 2nd woman approached the priest and said, "Forgive me father I have sinned?"

The priest asked, "What are your sins?"

She replied, "I took from the church's offering."

The priest said, "Your sins are forgiven; take a drink of the Holy Water, you may now being your studies."

The 3rd woman approached the priest and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned?"

The priest asked, "What are your sins?

She said, "I pissed in the Holy Water."

2006-12-12 20:33:53 · 12 answers · asked by tamoi 2

"Dad, I saw little Jonny's penis while we were taking a piss out behind the school, the other day. My penis is much larger than his. Is it because I'm black?"


Dad says,"No...it's because you are 17yo"

2006-12-12 20:25:23 · 7 answers · asked by georgiaporchmonkey 1

http://bufferthis.com/html/fart-news-579.php

2006-12-12 20:15:32 · 13 answers · asked by Electric 7

You always have me while sitting, but lose me when standing. What am I?

2006-12-12 20:11:52 · 19 answers · asked by tamoi 2

why?

2006-12-12 20:07:48 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am just two and two, I am hot, I am cold,
I'm the parent of numbers that cannot be told.
I'm a gift beyond measure, a matter of course,
And I'm yielded with pleasure when taken by force.
What am I?

2006-12-12 20:07:14 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What does MJ order from the Chinese restaurant?
What does MJ and Kmart have in common?
When do you know it is bed time at MJ's house?

2006-12-12 19:54:51 · 8 answers · asked by tamoi 2

Two guys were at a bar arguing with their friend who was a midget. Sudden out of nowhere, the Pope walks into the bar! "Oh my god its the pope " they all say at once "the midget says to the guys 'That's it I'm going ask him." So he walks up to the Pope and asks "Sir, are there midget nuns in America?", "No, no, no." says the Pope "Are there midget nuns in the entire world?" "No, no, no." says the Pope "Are there even such things as midget nuns?" "No, no, no." says the Pope.
His friends burst out chanting, "Joe screwed a penguin, Joe screwed a penguin..."

2006-12-12 19:39:56 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was lunch time for the Mr. Smith's 4th Grade Class. Dan and Jim eached walked through the lunch line. At the end of the line was the cashier. Jim handed the cashier $2.00, the cashier took the money and allowed Jim leave. Dan handed the cashier a piece of paper that read: 1004180. The cashier studied the piece of paper for a while, then allowed Dan to leave. Why did Jim have to pay and Dan didn't?

2006-12-12 19:30:54 · 9 answers · asked by tamoi 2

I'd prefer dirty ones, but any one which really fooled somebody. I've heard of someone being assigned to write an obituary, only to have someone pretend to be the dead man and call them up and scream, "You idiot! I'm not dead!"

2006-12-12 19:27:21 · 7 answers · asked by Singletary 2

what do you call a russian with three testicles??
answer in one hour if not resolved!!

2006-12-12 19:27:06 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

All of his life George from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when George's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. George stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, George went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into George's eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you were born in July."

2006-12-12 19:25:44 · 12 answers · asked by axilaryguy 1

They have both have had a Bill inserted in them.

2006-12-12 19:25:20 · 4 answers · asked by CRUNKMAN 2

2006-12-12 19:25:00 · 5 answers · asked by gentltailya 2

Either way you lose a trailer

lol

2006-12-12 19:14:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
He asks: "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"
She responds: "I can't see my @rse coming into work today."

2006-12-12 19:12:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

They both can smell what is in front of them but they can't eat it.

2006-12-12 19:04:52 · 14 answers · asked by CRUNKMAN 2

The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.

Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you." "I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here Saint Peter. I was looking forward to this." "Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Shore hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

Saint Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest." "But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?" "Second, how many seconds are there in a year?" "Third, what is God's first name?"

2006-12-12 18:42:42 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
2. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
3. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (DO NOT USE AS A WEIGHT LOSS SOLUTION)
4. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex forpleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
5. Polar bears are left handed.

2006-12-12 18:39:47 · 6 answers · asked by honeysuckle 3

Situation: In a cricket match. Two batsmen are on 94, 2 balls left to end the match, more 7 runs to win.
Result: Both batsmen completed their centuries and won the match.
Question: How is it possible????

2006-12-12 18:37:26 · 10 answers · asked by Cva 2

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to hear it................ Do the squirles grab their nuts and run?

2006-12-12 18:36:44 · 10 answers · asked by lilly g 3

C'mon...i am really shy and really PALE!...can't i have my whole outfit?

2006-12-12 18:24:05 · 9 answers · asked by Brian T 1

2006-12-12 18:19:53 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-12 18:14:48 · 9 answers · asked by rosesbloom7 2

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age ashis wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soonbecame a nightmare when he found that he could not last longenough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him thatall was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visitedthe doctor to get some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I makelove to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in aprofessional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation beforehaving intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'lllast longer and ultimately satisfy her." "Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to lethim know that she would be attacking him at the front door whenhe arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to

2006-12-12 18:14:02 · 7 answers · asked by honeysuckle 3

Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , 'A shure I'll give it a go, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it. Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, 'what do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone, 'Sure I'm having me tea break, replied Paddy, 'And what do you work at? asked the policeman, 'Agh shure I deliver bridges,! smiled Paddy!

2006-12-12 18:11:22 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

2006-12-12 18:04:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer: They can smell it, but can't eat it......

Your comments please......

2006-12-12 17:53:17 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok. you are a crime investigator. you come in a room with no windows and 1 door. in one corner is a chair and in the middle is a person hanging from a rope and a pudle under him. how did he commit suiside. he did not jump or kichk the chair

2006-12-12 17:52:50 · 6 answers · asked by Eric =D 2

Last time, we had this following riddle:

What do you say to a hitchhiker with only 1 leg?
A: Hop in!

Heheh... and here is today's riddle:

What did Mozart do after he died?

Good luck! :)

2006-12-12 17:48:16 · 7 answers · asked by iamigloo 6