Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

An elderly man lay dying in his little bed, while suffering the agonies of impending death; when he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite treat, freshly made Welsh cakes, wafting up the stairs from the kitchen.

He gathers his remaining strength, and lifts himself from his bed. And, leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he slowly crawls downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leans against the kitchen door frame, gazing through watery eyes into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of freshly made Welsh cakes fresh from the oven and cooling slowly.

Was he in heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his Devoted Welsh wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this mortal world a truly happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand trembled as it moved slowly towards the closest Welsh cake, possessing extra raisins, his favourite ones laid out neatly at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.

"Get off" she says, "they're for the funeral."

2006-12-13 04:03:40 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 boys were sitting on a bench. The1st little boy said "my dad is so cool he can ride a bike."the 2nd little boy said" Aw !! thats nothing my dad is so cool he can ride a bike backwards .The other little boy said "Yall aint said nothing my dad beats all yall dads" my daddy can eat a light bulb. Every one looking at him in amazement . Your dad cant eat a light bulb, said the 2 boys.The 3rd boy said Oh yes he can , last night i heard him and my mom talking in the bedroom and my dad said if you turn the lights off i'll eat it...........................................

2006-12-13 03:57:35 · 16 answers · asked by AMBRASIA C 2

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba,said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!""Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.""What fer?" asked Bubba."Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?""No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."


Thumbs up or down?

Justin

2006-12-13 03:48:13 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

coz he has got (S)NO BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-13 03:46:55 · 11 answers · asked by snuffylover4 2

cos he had little legs.........lol

2006-12-13 03:41:03 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

It takes 5 cigarette butts to make a whole cigarette. Mr. Smith wants to quit smoking but he wants to have 5 cigarettes before he quits. He walks around the school and collects 25 cigarette butts. How many cigarettes can he make? The answer's not 5. I can't figure it out can someone else tell me why it's not 5?

2006-12-13 03:39:28 · 7 answers · asked by ben t 2

a blonde was telling her fiend she was going water skiing the weekend,cool let me know how you get on.monday morning came and the blonde was asked how did the skiing go, couldnt go cant find a lake with a slope.

2006-12-13 03:37:59 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 6 am

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women WITHOUT bonnets

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup

7. When you criticize him, he yells "Thou Suck!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by Jeb Daddy

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks

3. Uses slang expression: Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese"

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards

2006-12-13 03:32:40 · 6 answers · asked by listen68 3

theres a little boy named johnny who has been wanting a new bike for Christmas for the past 3 years. well fed up,johnny goes to his mom and says,"mom,i have asked santa to bring me a new bike for the past 3 years and he wont and has not done it...what should i do?" the frustrated little boy asked.
"well johnny,i guess you should go and write God a letter and ask Him for the bike"...
satisfied,johnny goes up to his room where he starts writing the letter. he starts it by saying "dear God,i have been wanting a new bike for Christmas for about 3 years now..." then he stops and said,"this wont work,ill try again" then he starts with "dear God i have had my hopes and dreams CRUSHED for the past 3 years and..." then he stops again and says "this wont work either" then he starts another,and it says "dear God,i am a 10 year old little boy who has had his HEART BROKE,LOST ALL HOPE IN THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT,AND DEVASTATED,FOR THE PAST 3 YEARS because i cant get my new bike...." well johnny,

2006-12-13 03:28:07 · 16 answers · asked by disciple 1

Met this bloke down in Cornwall he had two black eye.

“How did you get those” I asked “Well” he said “the first one I got a few days ago when I was in church and I happened to sit behind Mary the miller’s daughter and she had on this red, silk, clingy dress and when we stood up to sing I noticed that the dress had gone up her bum a little so I leaned over and pulled in out”

Trying not to laugh I asked about the second eye. “Well” he said “yesterday I was in church again only this time with my pal Tom and sure enough we found ourselves sitting behind Mary, who had on the same silky dress and sure enough when we all stood the dress went up her bum a little and, quick as a flash, my pal Tom leaned over and pulled it out - well I know she does not like that so I leaned over and tucked it back in again.”

2006-12-13 03:14:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Met this bloke down in Cornwall he had two black eye.

“How did you get those” I asked “Well” he said “the first one I got a few days ago when I was in church and I happened to sit behind Mary the miller’s daughter and she had on this red, silk, clingy dress and when we stood up to sing I noticed that the dress had gone up her bum a little so I leaned over and pulled in out”

Trying not to laugh I asked about the second eye. “Well” he said “yesterday I was in church again only this time with my pal Tom and sure enough we found ourselves sitting behind Mary, who had on the same silky dress and sure enough when we all stood the dress went up her bum a little and, quick as a flash, my pal Tom leaned over and pulled it out - well I know she does not like that so I leaned over and tucked it back in again.”

2006-12-13 03:05:57 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.the-jokes.com/jviewer.php?clavech=323&sort=calif&id=Best&chquery=221+539+1049+68+323+201+322+179+1104+63+906+70+698+244+314+363+554+499+43+143+689+202+920+41+45+109+182+200+246+447

2006-12-13 03:01:30 · 6 answers · asked by Rajesh K 2

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
''I can't do that, officer.''
''Why not?'' ''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''

''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''

''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''

''Fine then, just walk this white line.''

''Can't do that either, officer.''

''Why not?''

''Because I'm drunk.''

2006-12-13 02:57:07 · 21 answers · asked by Sara *Life is so unlike theory* 5

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Iraq, 1990."
The other points his thumb behind him and says, "nah, dog sh*t, 20 feet back."

2006-12-13 02:53:53 · 16 answers · asked by mefussa 2

why is santa always smiling.

















because he is the lucky sod who knows where all the bad /naughty girls LIVE

2006-12-13 02:52:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall, and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary. it's better than Clyde!"

2006-12-13 02:51:16 · 25 answers · asked by Uh Oh!!! 1

what has a older woman got between her boxbs
that a young woman has,nt





Her belly button

2006-12-13 02:48:27 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

why was the girl rabbit looking grumpy







because it was a bad HARE day



who is the king of the tissues???


the Hankie-Chief

2006-12-13 02:45:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

> >A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the
> >house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to
> >break something. The boy continues.
> >
> >"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."
> >
> >He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping
> >center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last
> >flick and it lands in the toilet.
> >
> >Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A
> >diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
> >out it comes.
> >When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
> >She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her
> >doctor.
> >
> >The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures
> >her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she
> >leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a
> >long, hard look at the thing.
> >
> >Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it
> >might be
> >And POP! The balloon explodes and **** is everywhere. On him, the walls,
> >Etc
> >
> >Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
> >
> >He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the
> >first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >You're laughing aren't you..I know you are!!!
>
> _________________________________________________________________

2006-12-13 02:36:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://kaeurope.spaces.live.com/

2006-12-13 02:09:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Only a Mexican wife...

The sick Mexican husband was laying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales. He dearly loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his querida Chita's tamales.
With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his wife, Chita, smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon: "Leave them alone, pendejo!" "...They're for the funeral!"

2006-12-13 02:04:26 · 19 answers · asked by La Chula 2

A boycame home from school with his exam results.
"What did you get?" asked his father.
"My marks are underwater," said the boy.
"What do you mean 'under water'?"

2006-12-13 01:47:43 · 31 answers · asked by chandu 1

I've only seen one on the jokes and riddles section... does anyone have any good ones?

Merry Christmas to all BTW...

xx

2006-12-13 01:45:58 · 16 answers · asked by *BURNY* 5

The Onions & The Christmas Trees

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father,surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, " Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, It's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

2006-12-13 01:41:37 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped, inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said, "For f*cks sake mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the sh*t out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.
"The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

2006-12-13 01:32:16 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white and I will make you cry I make guys have to pee and girls comb their hair I make celebrities look stupid and normal people look like celebrities I turn pancakes brown and make your champane bubbe If you squeeze me I will pop If you look at me youll pop can someone please answer this riddle

2006-12-13 01:23:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-13 00:56:18 · 8 answers · asked by john 1

2006-12-13 00:44:25 · 12 answers · asked by Kain 5

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, he’s busy, is there anything I can help you with?"
She replies, "I don't know if you’re the man to talk to...its kind of personal..."
Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!"
She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?"
The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

2006-12-13 00:43:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.chairforce.com/easy-chair/videos-music/music/pages/my-cubical.htm

2006-12-13 00:36:20 · 5 answers · asked by FIRE § 4