Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Three students share a flat. Their tv breaks down and, not having much money, they decide to try the second hand shops. Eventually they find one with a tv for sale for £30, so, after parting with £10 each, they head off home with their purchase.
Just after they left the shop the manager arrives and seeing the tv has been sold asks his assistant what the students had paid for it. On finding that it had been sold for £30 he reminds the assistant that it had atually been marked down to £25 and, being of an honest nature, instructs his assistant to run after them and give them £5 back. The assistant however was not as honest as the manger, and decides to give them £1 back each and pocket the other £2.
By doing this it meant that the students had paid £9 each, totaling £27. The assistant had kept £2 making grand total of £29. Where did the other £1 go?

2006-12-13 00:25:27 · 9 answers · asked by parrotsofpenzance 1

1. You are participating in a race.
You overtake the 2nd person.
What position are you in?

2. If you overtake the last person, then
you are...

3. Do not use paper, pencil or calculator.
try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000. Now add 30.
Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add
another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total?

4. Mary's father has 5 daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the 5ht daughter?

Bonus Question: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By immitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper the purchase is done.
Next a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses, how does he indicate what he wants?

I'll post the answer later.

2006-12-13 00:12:30 · 31 answers · asked by tess 6

first word is 'WOOD', immediately below it is 'JAMES', and at the lowest part is the word 'MAINE'

2006-12-12 23:31:18 · 11 answers · asked by bowen 6

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.
"Eighty pounds," the dentist says.
"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"
"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to £60."
Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!"
"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to £20."
"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."
"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to £10."
"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife in for next Tuesday!"

2006-12-12 23:28:20 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind millionaire was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!" The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"
The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"
The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know
you're upside down?"
"Because the sh*t is running down my back!"

2006-12-12 23:26:05 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.Is there a 4th of July in England?
2.How many birthdays does the average man have?
3.Some months have 31 days, how many have 28?
4.How many outs are there in an inning?
5.Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?
6.If there are 3 apples, and you take away 2, how many do you have?
7.A doctor gives you 3 pills telling you to take 1 every 1/2 hour. How many minutes would the pills last?
8.A farmer has 17 sheep. If all but 9 die, how many does he have left?
9.How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?
10.How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?


I'll post the answers later. Have fun!

2006-12-12 23:01:07 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous

What are toenails made of ?

2006-12-12 23:00:48 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

In today's Jumble Words, unscramble SAILEY and
what is the cartoon answer?

2006-12-12 22:45:09 · 5 answers · asked by anne1709@sbcglobal.net 1

2006-12-12 22:44:47 · 12 answers · asked by S 2

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror
> and says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat
> and ugly. Pay me a compliment". The husband replies,
> "Your eyesight's damn near perfect". He never heard
> the shot............

>

2006-12-12 22:36:11 · 17 answers · asked by David 6

What starts at the begining of everones day? and can be found at in the begining of everything that happends? You can also find it at the end of time and the begining of the end.
What is this?
for answer see below



























Answer: The letter "E"

2006-12-12 22:32:50 · 10 answers · asked by infiniteson 3

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION BULLETIN

MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET

“WOMAN” – A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS


Element: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Discoverer: ADAM
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 53.5kg but known to vary from 40 to 200 kg
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban Areas.

Physical Properties:

1. Surface usually covered in painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure if applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties:

1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver and a vast range of precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased when saturated in alcohol.
4. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
5. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no apparent reason.

Common Uses:

1.Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2.Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3.Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests:

1.Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
2.Turns green when placed by a better specimen.

Potential Hazards:

1.Highly dangerous, except when in experienced hands.
2.Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

2006-12-12 22:32:44 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O?clock in the morning, a resounding noise came form outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man:
- ?Sh.it!, that must be my husband!?

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked. He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman:
- I?m your husband, you sl.ut!!!

So the woman answers:
- Oh, yeah?!! And why were you Fuking running?!! You son of a Bit.ch!

2006-12-12 22:28:01 · 21 answers · asked by a m 4

2006-12-12 22:24:31 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-12 22:07:28 · 6 answers · asked by wilbur2lot 3

2006-12-12 22:06:31 · 16 answers · asked by venkatraman s 1

what is the diffrence of a man falling from 1st floor and 50th floor

2006-12-12 22:02:31 · 28 answers · asked by avanthi 2

He laid her on the table,so white and clean and bare.His forehead wet with beads of sweat,he rubbed her here and there.He touched her neck and felt her breat,then drooling felt her thigh.The slit was wet & all was set,he gave a joyous cry.The hole was wide.......He looked inside,all was dark & murky.He rubbed his hands & stretched his arms....Then STUFFED the xmas TURKEY!..May I be the first to wish u & your dirty little mind a very MERRY XMAS!

2006-12-12 21:58:52 · 21 answers · asked by mofitz03 2

The cucumber, the pickle and the penis were talking about who had the saddest life.

The cucumber said he did as he gets sliced and diced and tossed in a salad then eaten

The pickle said that was nothing as he gets stuffed in a jar covered with spices and vinegar and left in a cupboard for months before being eaten

The penis then says that his life is the hardest as he gets stuffed in a sleeping bag, thrown in a dark room, has his head bashed against a wall til he throws up and passes out!

2006-12-12 21:56:16 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a teacher ask her 3rd grade class to write out what must you do 2go 2heaven that nyt.the next day a little boy stands up and says i got the right ans madam.the teacher allows him 2read it out.the boy says that my mother knows how 2 get 2god.the teacher asks him y is that.and the little boy replies last night i went to ask my mum to help me but when i entered the room she n daddy was naked.i heard mummy screaming "OH GOD IM CUMMING" but dad was on top of her holding her down..................

2006-12-12 21:48:25 · 8 answers · asked by kevnbn 2

The sad life of a penis - I've only got one eye, my family are nuts,my neighbours an arsehole and my best mates a c*nt

2006-12-12 21:42:19 · 19 answers · asked by Virg 2

2006-12-12 21:40:14 · 8 answers · asked by dzenitamulic 1

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon
her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a
cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere,
appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother,
what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary
lifesince I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and
after some thoughtful consideration,
she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to
mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond
comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold!

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail old body,
and said,"I wish I were young and full of
the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I
wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young
man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his
biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so
beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly
perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking
chair, & held her close
in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close,
blowing her golden hair
with his warm breath
as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

2006-12-12 21:30:38 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was getting into bed when his wife complained as usual,
"I have a headache"
"Perfect,"he said"I was just powdering my d*** with aspirin.You can take it orally or as a suppository,up to you!"

2006-12-12 21:25:43 · 18 answers · asked by mofitz03 2

all the pepole that go on the jemmery kyle show the man on at the min has bput me of my breakfast

2006-12-12 21:11:59 · 8 answers · asked by shell 5

2006-12-12 20:54:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

safely crossing the river


Two boys and a man need to cross a river. They can only use the canoe. It will hold only the man OR the two boys' weight. How can they all get across safely?

2006-12-12 20:50:25 · 32 answers · asked by axilaryguy 1

THE LADIES PRAYER:
Our vibrators,which bring us heaven.Rabbit(Deluxe)be thy name.Til kingdom come,they make us come,on earth with eyes on heaven.Give us our daily thrill & forgive us our screams,as we forgive flat batteries.Lead us not into temptation,but deliver us from frustration.For thine is the rotation,the power & the buzzing,forever & ever,NO MEN!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-12 20:48:34 · 13 answers · asked by mofitz03 2

What happened in the car


A man and a woman are driving along a country road on a cold winter night when the car breaks down. Before leaving to find help, the man tells the woman not to open the doors or windows and not to let anybody in. He leaves, and she does as he says. When he returns, she is dead and there is a stranger in the car. What happened?

2006-12-12 20:42:12 · 24 answers · asked by axilaryguy 1

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wong's have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely

Caucasian,white baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.

"Well Mr.Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "well, two

Wong's don't make a white, so I tink we name him Sum Ting Wong.

2006-12-12 20:35:11 · 17 answers · asked by axilaryguy 1