Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

What does this mean


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( the arrow is in the joke)

2006-12-13 09:37:35 · 2 answers · asked by Nick 1

Anyone have any one-liners from C&H or Garfield that you think are just hillarious? Preferably only one sentance, but if you know one that only makes sense in a certain context, include the context as well.

2006-12-13 09:37:24 · 4 answers · asked by Pianist d'Aurellius 4

AAA A shopping cart seems to have a mind of it's own.

2006-12-13 09:35:53 · 16 answers · asked by fivehundredmonkeys 2

i'm bored and i'm tired of answering questions.

2006-12-13 09:32:54 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks, "What's wrong?"

She explains the situation with the toaster. He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?" In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

2006-12-13 09:25:05 · 29 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

They go straight for the door after doing their business! Also, Do you use a paper towel to open or close the door of a public restroom?

2006-12-13 09:24:17 · 14 answers · asked by MR_SHIRLEY_MANSON 2

Secretaries Colin Powell and Dennis Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, “Isn’t that Powell and Rumsfeld?” The barkeep says, “Yep, that’s them.”

So, the guy walks over to the two and says, “Hello, what are you guys doing?”

Rumsfeld says, “We’re planning a war,” to which the guy replies, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

Rumsfeld says, “Well, we’re going to kill 10 million Iraquis and one bicycle repairman.”

And the guy exclaims, “Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman!?!”

With that, Rumsfeld turns to Powell and says, “See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Iraquis!”

2006-12-13 09:24:01 · 34 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A man walks into a church confessional and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.”

The priest is silent for a moment, then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.”

“And I’ll be forgiven?” asks the man.

“No,” replies the priest, “but it will wipe that f*cking smirk off your face.”

2006-12-13 09:22:36 · 17 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A ninety-year-old man living in a rest home was granted a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar, sat at the end, and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, and told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady, and they went to her apartment, where they got stinky and wrinkly.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he had developed a drip, and headed to the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, “Sure!”

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

“Sure, why?” asked the old man.

“Well you’d better get over there,” replied the doctor, “You’re about to come!”

2006-12-13 09:20:45 · 15 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids
in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived....

Because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint
which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or
cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and
fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags - riding
in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted
the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in
it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one
actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top
speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the
problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we
were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one
minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all.

No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile
phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!

We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits.

We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.

We played knock-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners
catching us.

We walked to friends' homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or
daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...they
actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and
responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all, those of us who
have had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government
regulated our lives, for our own good.

The majority of students in universities today were born in
1986........they are called youth.

They have never heard of We are the World, We are the Children, and the
Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard
of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine
how this fat guy could be a god of dance. They believe that Charlie's Angels
and Mission Impossible are films from last year.

They can never imagine life before computers. They'll never have pretended
to be the A-Team, Red Hand Gang or The Famous Five. They'll never have
applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You?

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will
never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

And Michael Jackson has always been white

2006-12-13 09:16:41 · 37 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.

He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

2006-12-13 09:10:57 · 2 answers · asked by Lord L 4

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

2006-12-13 09:10:41 · 20 answers · asked by a m 4

The M1 motorway and the M6 motorway are in their local having a drink, when the M1 says,"Who is that red Tarmac in the corner by himself"? The M6 replies,"Oh, don't have anything to do with him, he's a cyclepath".

2006-12-13 09:07:59 · 2 answers · asked by Trixie Bordello 5

A 94 year old man involved in tests at the hospital is asked to give a sperm sample.He goes away and 2 days later comes back with an empty jar.The nurse asks him why it's empty and the man says 'It's no good,i tried with my right hand and I tried with my right,I got my wife to try with both hands and then with her mouth,she tried with her teeth in and with her teeth out,I even got Doris next door to try but we still couldn't get the fuckin lid off!'

2006-12-13 09:06:12 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

thanks for helping me get it guys

2006-12-13 09:00:58 · 1 answers · asked by limallama 4

Scrabble

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!



DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE



ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

2006-12-13 09:00:11 · 17 answers · asked by harveysmummy 3

thanks for helping me get the p.u.s.s.i.e. joke guys
i'm so slow
but i am ranked like 3 at chool

2006-12-13 08:59:30 · 2 answers · asked by limallama 4

I am locked it a pair of smith and wesson model 1900 leg iron that my friend found behind the nudie bar last night and now tells me he dosent have the key . dose any one know how to open them or pick the locks.

2006-12-13 08:56:22 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-13 08:53:10 · 44 answers · asked by david c 2

why can this:

8, 5, 4, 9, 1, 7, 6, 10, 3, 2

be considered a logical order for those numbers?

2006-12-13 08:53:05 · 3 answers · asked by GatorNation 2

A boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother. She said, "Not until you feed the animals."

The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry. His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."

Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him?"

2006-12-13 08:51:22 · 8 answers · asked by limallama 4

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, ''Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited.''

The groom replies, ''I just had the best bl0w job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.''

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.

The maid of honor notices this and says, ''Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.''

The bride replies ''I have just given the last bl0w job of my entire life.''

2006-12-13 08:46:26 · 15 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

2006-12-13 08:45:27 · 19 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

2006-12-13 08:37:27 · 24 answers · asked by Brian 1

my church is haveing a gift exchange in my group im in. all the presents are practical jokes. what would be a good idea that takes less than 1 1/2 hours to make. so basically a joke present

2006-12-13 08:37:19 · 11 answers · asked by Cody C 2

3 men get sent to hell: The devil asks the 1st man "Why r u here?" the man said "I was an alchoholic" So the Dev opens up a cell door with tons of liquor in it. The man smiles as he walks in and is locked in for 1,000 years
The Dev asks the 2nd man "Why r u here?" The man replied "I was always cheating on my wife" So the Dev opens up a cell door with 50 hot, naked women inside. The man gets excited as he is locked in for 1,000 years.
The Dev asks the 3rd man "Why R U here?" The man replied, "I was such a pot head" So the Dev opens up a cell door which is a field upon field of the best pot ever" The man walks in and sits on the ground
A 1,000 years later
The Dev opens up the 1st cell door, the man crawls out covered in his own mess and slurs "I'm never drinking again" So the Dev gave him a 2nd chance
The 2nd cell door, the man runs out screaming "I'm going gay!" So the Dev said ok. The 3rd door, the dev opens it and the man looks up with a tear in his eye as he asks "Got a light?"

2006-12-13 08:36:13 · 11 answers · asked by hippie6420 1

A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.

As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

"Maybe so," said the little boy, "But then I'd lose my siren!"

2006-12-13 08:32:59 · 13 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

no dirty jokes please!

2006-12-13 08:32:28 · 6 answers · asked by ~♥~ *CHEEKY* ~♥~ 6

2006-12-13 08:30:53 · 9 answers · asked by eyp 2

A mysterious gypsy vendor lays out some coins. Each coin has a different letter on it laid out in the following order: A C E L R N T U I S T Y N D E I L E R A R N A U M W O H A R R G D C I N G

"When you arrange these coins properly, it will spell out a question to which you must find the answer," the vendor advised you.

What is the answer?

HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-12-13 08:29:08 · 4 answers · asked by Maggie Doodle 1