Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

If your happy and you know it clap your hands. It's the best way to make everybody laugh especially if your in the middle of a class.

Friends are the best things that will ever happen to you. But that doesn't mean you have to keep the same ones. People change, so do you...when that happens accept it and move on. but don't forget to remember your old friends; they have helped make your life what it is now.

Never break a fax machine-it will beep for three days straight.

Parents are the same, they'll yell and scream and shout because they want to help. They also have feelings.

Never try to stay up the whole night and tell your friend that they can do anything to wake you up if you fall asleep; especially if they have Ice tea in their hand.

If you smile, someone will smile back.

If you dip pieces of apple in apple juice it will taste really weird.

There are people that love you but just don't know how to show it.

If you get hit with a ball and you start crying everyone will walk over to see how you are. If you're having a bad day but you're not crying only your best friends will.

The best feeling in the world is to ride with the window down and to be singing along with a song on the radio.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

Normal people are people you don't know.

There is always one teacher that everyone hates that never misses school.

People may forget what you said but they'll never forget how you made them feel.

And finally, being happy doesn't necessarily mean everything's perfect. It just means you've decided to look beyond all of the imperfections.

2006-12-13 16:41:07 · 9 answers · asked by Woody 3

Dear All,

There was a one hour interview on CNBC with Warren Buffet, the second richest man who has donated $31 billion to charity.

Here are some very interesting aspects of his life:

1) He bought his first share at age 11 and he now regrets that he started too late!

2) He bought a small farm at age 14 with savings from delivering newspapers.

3) He still lives in the same small 3 bedroom house in mid-town Omaha, which he bought after he got married 50 years ago. He says that he has everything he needs in that house. His house does not have a wall or a fence.

4) He drives his own car everywhere and does not have a driver or security people around him.

5) He never travels by private jet, although he owns the world's largest private jet company.

6) His company, Berkshire Hathaway, owns 63 companies. He writes only one letter each year to the CEOs of these companies, giving them goals for the year. He never holds meetings or calls them on a regular basis.

2006-12-13 16:38:45 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A company had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Management said, "Someone might steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then management said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people: one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then management said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people: one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then management said, "How are all these people going to get paid?" So they created positions for a timekeeper and a payroll officer, and hired two more people to fill them.

Then management said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then management said, "We've had this command in operation for one year now and we're $18,000 over budget. We have to cut back on overall costs."

So they laid off the night watchman.

2006-12-13 16:30:01 · 4 answers · asked by Dew Drop 3

2006-12-13 16:28:58 · 7 answers · asked by MoveableFeast 2

2006-12-13 16:28:09 · 11 answers · asked by Rachel T. 2

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

though these r not my own cretation. i just want it to share.hope u like

2006-12-13 16:27:44 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

why the small high school in Moorehead had triple the attendance at their football games than any other school. Research showed most of the audience was men between the ages of 25 and 55.


Several members of the board went to a game and found out why when the cheerleaders came onto the field. Eight very pretty high school girls, in tiny little skirts, turned to the crowd and screamed,

"Moore-head, Moore-head. We want Moore-head.
Moore-head, Moore-head, Give us Moore-head."

2006-12-13 15:57:56 · 3 answers · asked by al p 3

Tell me what you think about these ones. I was singin in the car trying to be silly. Yes, this is what I choose to do with my time.

santa snagged his boobie on a reindeer
walking home from our house christmas eve
you can say that santa don't got boobies
but as for me and his bra
we believe

2006-12-13 15:52:21 · 11 answers · asked by jess l 5

An old woman writes to Dear Abby in the newspaper:

I am at a loss to know what to do with my third husband. He is 80 years old, but he is still crazy for sex. All day long he pursues me. In the shower, in the kitchen, in the closet, when I bend over to turn on the TV!. I really don't know what to do about him. By the way, sorry for the jerky handwriting...

2006-12-13 15:44:03 · 29 answers · asked by Mad Roy 6

Trick question: to see if my ex wife is on here.

2006-12-13 15:28:29 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

You cannot see me;
You cannot hear me;
You cannot smell me;
You cannot touch me;
You cannot taste me;
You die without me.

2006-12-13 15:15:33 · 24 answers · asked by Gemini 1

John's father has 10 children.
Their names are (in order):

Amy, Brandon, Cindy, Daniel, Erica, Freddy, Georgina, Henry, Irine,...

Who's the last one?

2006-12-13 15:04:39 · 32 answers · asked by Xiangwei Xi 3

Some Suggestions:
Getting Pregnent
Having to vote Republican
A DUI
Battery on Cell Phone Went Dead
Going to Prison
Losing A Job
Diaganosed with health problem
Johnson stuck in zipper

2006-12-13 15:01:44 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-13 14:58:49 · 13 answers · asked by I hate carrots 6

A one armed gorilla.

2006-12-13 14:49:29 · 14 answers · asked by Dr Know It All 5

2006-12-13 14:42:09 · 9 answers · asked by Grape 2

In ancient myth I thrived;
In solar system I drifted;
In cartoons I dogged;
In modern times I degraded.

My name has five letters;
First thrives in planets;
Second grows in plants;
Third waits in lounge;
Forth fires in scotch;
Fifth lies in chrono.

2006-12-13 14:41:43 · 7 answers · asked by Gemini 1

2006-12-13 14:40:45 · 2 answers · asked by Misti 3

Appeared as maiden at seas;
Half-woman half-fish;
Send off the maid;
Add on king of the jungle;
Can be found in ASEAN.

2006-12-13 14:29:35 · 9 answers · asked by Gemini 1

do you think that tree that pushed that tree thats falling now well get convicted of assault?

2006-12-13 14:26:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

do you guys know the drawing of this of the big hand and stuff
like you just got hit by the sexy truck

2006-12-13 14:24:04 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."

2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"

3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"

4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"

5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear, OK?"

6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"

7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"

8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"

9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."

10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is ?"

11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.

12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."

13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"

14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"

15) "I've been getting these little blisters lately-------"

2006-12-13 14:22:01 · 9 answers · asked by ? 5

10 points for the best joke if you have one!

2006-12-13 14:18:39 · 7 answers · asked by Eve W 3

2 moms and 2 daughters go shopping. how can they split $90 evenly? give me the right answer and ur explanation for 10 points.

2006-12-13 14:18:02 · 2 answers · asked by opricat 1

What do you get when you cross a Mustamd with an Elephant?

A convertible with a biiiiiiiiiig trunk that doesn't know the word "HALT!"

Tell me how you like and and i do take critsisum

Love, Cleopatra

2006-12-13 14:16:11 · 2 answers · asked by Emily 3

2006-12-13 14:12:13 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-13 14:11:04 · 11 answers · asked by footballgeek56 2

Say it faster then faster

2006-12-13 13:52:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
All alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft,
Her eyes were blue,
I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine.
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best.
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart.
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it,
I felt no shame.
All at once
The white stuff came.





At last it's finished.
It's all over now.
My first time ever,
At milking a cow.





PERVERTS EVERYONE OF YA HAHAHAHA

2006-12-13 13:46:25 · 10 answers · asked by ? 5

i'm a thing. fishermen love me. doctors hate me, kids want to eat me. i'm a 13-letter word. what am i?
_H_T___I__ME_

2006-12-13 13:42:38 · 9 answers · asked by jenx 1