The Sermon...
A husband was away from home on a business trip but going to meet his wife in Hawaii for a vacation in two days. He got there first and decided to send her an e-mail. Unfortunately, he typed the wrong address in the send box and the note was accidentally sent to a woman whose husband had died just the other day.
This woman's nephew ran into her room after hearing her scream and saw her faint dead-away right then. On the computer he read this e-mail:
Beloved,
Just got here and looks like everythings in place for your arrival. Can't wait to see you tomorrow.
Love,
Jim
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
2006-12-13 17:13:16
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answer #1
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answered by Banished Rogue 2
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Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this BS. I gotta go home and screw the cat."
2006-12-13 16:45:05
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answer #2
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answered by Mary 6
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Yo mommas so poor, she eats cereal with a fork to save milk.
also The Duck Joke
one day there was this guy working at the register in a grocery store and all of the sudden this duck walks in and walks right up to him and says
"You got any duck food?"
The guy looks a bit bewildered but answers the duck saying that this is a grocery store and no we don't have duck food. Hearing this the duck waddles out and wanders across the parking lot.
The next day the same guy is again working the counter and the duck comes in again and waddles up to the counter and asks the guy:
"You got any duck food?"
Again the guy says no but gets a bit angry this time and tells the duck don't come back we don't have any stinking duck food. The duck leaves. A few days go by and again the duck comes into the store and up to the counter to again ask the same guy:
"You got any duck food?"
This time the guy becomes enraged and yells at the duck saying, NO, we don't have any duck food and if you come in here again I'm gonna take a hammer and some nails and nail you to the floor. Obviously intimidated the duck turns around and leaves, quite a bit faster than before. A week passes and the guy assumes he's in the clear when all of the sudden here comes the duck, through the door and up to the counter. He looks up at the guy and says:
"Hey man, you got a hammer?"
The guy looks at him a bit funny and says no.
"Man, you got any nails?"
Again, the guy says no, starting to wonder where this is going.
The duck then shuffles his feet, looks back up at the guy and asks:
"You got any duck food?"
2006-12-13 16:39:10
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answer #3
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answered by Jess 2
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Man 1 : Hey man, what's up?
Man 2 : Hey buddy! I just bought this new expensive hearing aid, and I'm not deaf anymore! I can hear perfectly clear now!
Man 1 : Really? How much was it?
Man 2 : Just yesterday.
An elderly couple had just finished having sex in the morning.
Old Lady : Ooohh, I'm still feeling wild, let's have breakfast in bed naked!
Old Man : Fine, whatever suits you.
After a while....
Old Lady : Ooohh, you know even after all these years, you still can work it old man! My nipples are still tingling up to now!
Old Man : Ofcourse you would! Your breasts are in your damn coffee.
What is the motto of soldiers:
No pain, no gain!
What is the motto of policemen?
No guts, no glory!
What is the motto of security guards?
No ID, No Entry!!!
2006-12-13 18:30:02
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answer #4
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answered by Michelle 2
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The traveling incense salesman was walking along the dusty road out of New Delhi when he realized he needed a place to sleep. He saw the root gatherers hut in the distance and headed for it. He knocked at the entrance-way and the root gatherer came to the door and said "Yes". The incense salesman said, " I am a traveling incense salesman and I need a place to sleep for the night." The root gatherer said, " You are welcome to sleep here, but you will have to sleep up in the loft with my daughter." He answered "OK" and climbed the ladder to the loft. The next morning he came down and squatted down next to the root gatherer and accepted a cup of tea. The root gatherer asked, "Did you enjoy sleeping with my daughter?". The salesman said, "Yes I did very very much, but I have to ask, why was there rice in her mouth?". The root gatherer replied, "Oh, that is not rice, that is maggots, she has been dead for two years."
2006-12-14 03:38:24
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answer #5
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answered by iknowtruthismine 7
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Why did the blonde change her baby's diaper once a week?
The box said 'Up to 20 pounds'
2006-12-13 16:33:34
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answer #6
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answered by Anonymous
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Just yesterday I read this here on answers.
Leaving out the details the basic question was " why do women keep having babies?
One of the answers was " because adults are too big"
2006-12-13 16:38:50
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answer #7
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answered by apup76 3
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What does a cannibal call a clown?
A Happy meal
2006-12-13 16:44:21
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answer #8
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answered by Captain Obvious 5
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why does an elephant lie on his back with his feet up in the air?
to trip the birds
2006-12-13 17:42:46
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answer #9
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answered by earthgirl766 3
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The was an old man that went to the clinic to give a donation. So when he arrive the representative sitting at the front desk asked him what was it that she can help him with. "Well I would like to make a donation into the sperm bank." She said, " Well alright, I need you to fill out this forms and bring them back when your done. After he finished the forms and turned them back in the lady gave him a cup with a lid and took him to a near-by room. "If you need anything just call me, okay?" And he said, "Alright, thank you."
The old man had gone in around 12 in the afternoon, well by 4:45 he was still in the room. The lady became concerned and went to go knock on the door.
"Sir? Are you alright?"
The old man open the door and said,
"I've tried hot water. I've tried cold water. I've tried beating it. I've tried rubbing. I've tried pinching it. I've tried sracthing it. I tried to use my mouth but that was no use. I've tried twisting it, rolling it, even tried my belt...... But lady......
I can't get this gosh darn lid off this cup!"
Ha ha ha what were you thinking with your dirty mind??? :-D
2006-12-13 16:38:47
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answer #10
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answered by taliyah_chante 3
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