Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

AN ESSEX LOVE YARN

A young woman in Essex was so depressed that she decided to end her life
by throwing herself into the River Thames.

She went down to the riverside and was about to leap into the freezing water
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the landing stage,
crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off
to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he
slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and
you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded Yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh
start in America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a store room. From
then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit,
and they made passionate love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine safety inspection, she was discovered by the Safety Officer.
"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the crew," she explained.

"I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the Safety Officer said.

"This is the Tilbury to Gravesend Ferry."

2006-11-23 22:55:20 · 4 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

at the gates of Heaven when she heard an awful screaming sound," whats that screaming"? she asked.
"Oh thats just the angels having big holes drilled in their backs for the wings and little holes in their heads for the halo's"
"Oh dear that sounds bad" said the girl "I think i'd rather go to hell."
" Oh you dont wanna go there" said St Peter "cause you will get raped and sodomized," Its ok" she said Iv'e already got holes for that."

2006-11-23 22:52:17 · 17 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Humty Dumty sat on a Wall.
Humty Dumty had a Great Fall.
Of all the kings horses and all the kings men, Couldnt put Dumty back together again.

2006-11-23 22:49:35 · 7 answers · asked by doras_lil_bug 2

2006-11-23 22:35:02 · 19 answers · asked by princess q 1

Because you need a heart to love him.
A diamond to wed him.
A club to beat him with.
And a spade to bury him in the back garden.
ONLY KIDDIN

2006-11-23 22:27:39 · 11 answers · asked by missshortly 2

2006-11-23 22:23:00 · 10 answers · asked by Tudor B 2

An American soldier, on the train form London to Liverpool, shared a compartment with two English brothers, one of whom was hard of hearing. They stuck up a conversation, and one brother said, "I say, yank, where are you going?"
"Liverpool," said the American.
"What did he say?" asked the hard-of-hearing brother.
"He said hes going to Liverpool. Tell me, yank, what brings you all the way to Liverpool?"
"I have a girl friend up there."
"What did he say?" asked the hard-of-hearing brother again.
"He said he has a girl friend there. She must be quite a girl if youll travel all the way just to see her."
"Ill say she is!" said the American. "She wears black boots with spurs, carries a whip, and indulges in every delight known to man."
"What did he say?" asked the brother who was hard-of-hearing.
"He said he knows mother."

===================

2006-11-23 22:12:28 · 13 answers · asked by Janey 3

phone and a voice says is that 2-2-2-2. No says Paddy this is double two double two, ah says the voice wrong number sorry to bother you. No trouble says Paddy the phone was ringing anyway !!!!!!!

2006-11-23 21:51:39 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

jokes 4 u:D
1. comin from da soviet union, i was not prepared 4 da huge variety of stuff available in UK marts. On my 1st shooppin trip, i saw powdered milk-U just add water n u get milk. Nxt i saw powdered orange juice- u add water n u get orange juice.
then i saw Baby Powder n i thot Wot a country!!!

2.a girl foned me n said"*** on over. there's nobody home."I went over. Nobody was home!!

3. 2 cures 4 love :
1)don't c him. dont fone or rite a letter 2 him.
2)da easy way : get 2 kno him Better.!!

4)On arrivin home from work, a man finds his wife with da milkman.da man shouts"wot on earth r u doin?" "see??", sighed da woman 2 da man lyin nxt 2 her." didn't i tell u dat he doesnt kno da 1st thing about sex????" :P

2006-11-23 21:51:29 · 11 answers · asked by ToXiC 3

What if I'd just asked Santa if I could have YOU for Christmas?

2006-11-23 21:13:37 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

i just wanna test ur brain

2006-11-23 20:28:29 · 13 answers · asked by annettepaul4 2

Just a question... And zebra has black and white strips or white and black? Lets see another one... How do you say fox feather on the hat or fox feather at the hat?

2006-11-23 20:24:58 · 15 answers · asked by Dark Katz 1

a man lives in a 36 level apartment. he lives on the 36 floor and he goes to the ground floor every day for work. when its raining he can go all the way to the 36 floor and when someone else in the lift he can go to the 36 floor. but when it is sunny and no-one but him in the lift he has to go half way and walk all the way home.
Why is this?

2006-11-23 20:16:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, 5 strong men were travelling down a road in the country side.Suddenly, it started to rain. 4 of the men quickened their footsteps and began to walk faster. However, the 5th man did not attempt to move any faster. Strangely, he remained dry while the other 4 got wet.They all reached their destination together.Why ?

2006-11-23 19:58:06 · 26 answers · asked by Sanjay R 1

Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that

morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,

"Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me .. As it turned out,

she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought,

well, that's wives for you, the children will remember..The children came in

to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was

feeling pretty low and despondent..

As I walked into my office, my secretary Sara said, "Good morning, Boss.

Happy Birthday". And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I

worked until noon, then Sara knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's

such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch,

just you and me. " I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard

all day. "Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go;

instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and

enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You

know, it's such a beautiful day we don't need to go back to the office, do

we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think

I'll go into the bedroom."

"Sure!" I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a

huge birthday cake...followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our

friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there...

on the couch...

Completely naked.

2006-11-23 19:50:59 · 26 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

aaarrrrggghhhhhh. goofy look on my face.... It won't let me go to the avatar page to change mine so i don't stay stuck with this goofy look on my face right now. Please someone cheer me up.

2006-11-23 19:38:00 · 8 answers · asked by Cyndi Storm 4

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him,
"You sh*g her again."

2006-11-23 19:13:58 · 22 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks
"Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And, who was the woman you were with?"


"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now."


Was it Brenda O'Malley?
I cannot say.

Was it Patricia Kelly?
I'll never tell.


Was it Sheilah O'Brien?
I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.


Was it Kathleen Morgan?
My lips are sealed.


Was it Fiona Grogan, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration.
"You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."

Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers
"What'd you get?"

Timmy replies
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

2006-11-23 18:59:25 · 23 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could.

It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

2006-11-23 18:49:45 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother and father took Little johnny to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

She told Little johnny, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Little johnny, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger willies than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

2006-11-23 18:44:13 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. " Just place this between your cheek and gum.

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

2006-11-23 18:42:01 · 18 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her bottom and said,

"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.

The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said,

"You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said,

"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

2006-11-23 18:40:13 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Poor old Bob. He had a two inch dick, and was rather embraced about his size in the bedroom. However, he was blessed with two very long, very thick big toes. So long and thick were they, that if he turned the lights out, and carefully twisted his legs, he could fool any lady he slept with and give her a very, very good time. And he slept with quite a few...

One morning, Bob woke up and one of his big toes was aching. He turned to look at it and it was covered in scabs, yellow pus and the end was turning green.

'Shi t', he thought. 'Id better see the doctor.'

The world weary doctor looked carefully at his toe and sighed.
'Well, Bob', he said. 'It looks like you have Venereal Disease of your big toe.'

'I bet you don't see that very often', said Bob.

'Nothing surprises me anymore', replied the doctor. 'The other day I saw my first case of Athlete’s pus*y.'

2006-11-23 18:39:37 · 10 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean. Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!".

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under! the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces. The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors were floating in the ocean. The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've! got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp down all the sailors!".

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at her man and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blo* job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."

2006-11-23 18:33:49 · 17 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me."

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days."

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself," she giggled.


So I told her to fcuk off.

2006-11-23 18:19:22 · 20 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

2006-11-23 18:16:40 · 38 answers · asked by prashant p 1

A girl brings a guy home one night.They get into her apartment and immediatly she suggests that they do "69" ."What the hell is that?"asks the guy.Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries 2 explain,"I put my head between ur legs and you put ur head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about,but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it.The second they get in to the position,she lets go a RIP ROARING fart."What was that for" ?He asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again"she says ,So,they get into position again,and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?"she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those ,you're crazy !!!"

2006-11-23 18:16:17 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok there was a psysho therapist who shifted 2 another town. he put up a signboard 4 his clinic. but no one came 2 his clinic. he thot da signboard was not good.
he cudnt Blieve wot he was seeing.
it read' Psycho The rapist. for women'

2006-11-23 18:09:26 · 10 answers · asked by ToXiC 3

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs,and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Hello!!," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

2006-11-23 17:18:52 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am doing a research project on humor and looking for some feedback, check out these videos of me letting people put pies in my face and let me know what you think

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1QVW-XpLv8M

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9-OcDULxCg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E5NCovjC8jI

2006-11-23 16:40:50 · 11 answers · asked by cdsst13 1