Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis.
Would you recommend that she have an abortion?



Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A:
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologers.
He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8-10 martinis a day.

Candidate B:
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C:
He's a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.



Which of these candidates would be your choice?

LOUx

2006-11-23 12:47:09 · 10 answers · asked by loulou30 2

Q1 What can you break without hitting or dropping it?


Q2 Tool of thief, toy of queen. Always used to be unseen. Sign of joy, sign of sorrow. Giving all likeness borrowed. what am i?


Q3 At the sound of me, men may dream Or stamp their feet At the sound of me, women may laugh Or sometimes weep. What am I?

answers soon.......................................

2006-11-23 12:26:01 · 23 answers · asked by chris b 4

Days of the Week


Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

ill tell you the answer in a bit

2006-11-23 11:58:02 · 31 answers · asked by chris b 4

favorite little johny joke

2006-11-23 11:41:13 · 4 answers · asked by rayrat7 2

There are 5 brothers and 5 sisters but they are not related. How can this be??

2006-11-23 11:40:28 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laserbprinters all have in common?

I'll post the answer soon if no one gets it... lol... No hints either.

2006-11-23 11:31:04 · 9 answers · asked by coca_cola_froggy 4

There were three women eating lunch together. One was Russian, one American, and the other was blonde. They were all bragging about their countries.

The Russian said," We were the first in space."

The American said," We were the first on the moon."

The Blonde said," Well, we will be the first on the sun."

The Russian said," You can't do that or you will burn up!"

Then the blonde replied, "Duh! We'll go at night."

2006-11-23 11:26:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-23 11:26:04 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Chief says we gunna torture you kill you and make canoe out of your skin u have one last request.......
English guy says give me a knife....gets knife "your not gunna torture me" slits his own throat
Scottish guy says give me a knife.....gets knife "your not gunna kill me" slits his own throat
Irish guy says "give me a fork....your not gunna make a fu..ing canoe out a me, stabbin fork all over his body

2006-11-23 11:08:43 · 10 answers · asked by michael 2

I am listening to that song by the blind, and nothing can drag me away from ER....

2006-11-23 10:57:15 · 7 answers · asked by ThunderCats 3

2006-11-23 10:51:21 · 10 answers · asked by any 4

tell you later

2006-11-23 10:47:44 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q>What do you call a deer that can't see?

A>No idea!

Q>What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

A>Still no idea!

Q>What do you call a blind deer with no legs that's had his todger cut off?

A>Still no f*cking idea!

just to prove that not all crappy jokes are about blondes ;)

2006-11-23 10:37:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

he can if he kept the reciept.

2006-11-23 10:36:12 · 10 answers · asked by michael 2

T’was the 1st day of Thanksgiving and all through the land,
the Pilgrims and Indians were each lending a hand.
They watched the game on T.V. and had pretzels and beer,
then later stuffed themselves for that cold winters year.
On the table was turkey, pie and bright candied yams,
and cranberry sauce in the shape of a can.
They ate until all they’re bellies felt dazed,
the Pilgrims had corn the Indians called maze.
The Pilgrims shared recipes because the Indians asked “How”,
and the only animal that didn’t get eaten was Ol’ Betsy the cow.
They partied and celebrated and partied some more,
because the Lions were up 21 to 4.
On the Florida team Christopher Columbus bet 20 bucks,
on the team from Detroit Pocahontas bet 20 more, a raccoon and 2 ducks.
The children played outside the big wigwam tent,
they played Pilgrims and Indians because they were no cowboys as of yet.
The women washed dishes and spoke of emancipation,
but all agreed that it wouldn’t happen in this new Nation.
Sitting Bull and George Washington smoked Cuban Cigars,
while John Smith and Crazy Horse sat and played cards.
The day was about sharing and thanks – giving,
but more attention was paid to the spanking that the Lions started getting.
They called the children in and had ice cream and pie,
then packed up their wagons and to say their goodbye’s.
The Pilgrims invited the Indians to the next years thanksgiving that they
“wouldn’t want to miss!”
But the Indians still had a few Reservations about this.
All bid farewell and said “thanks for stopping”,
then ran out to the malls to start their Holiday Shopping!
by S.K.R.

2006-11-23 09:55:01 · 2 answers · asked by schlepp 2

brains than dogs...


so they dont hump womens legs at cocktail parties..

2006-11-23 09:45:22 · 16 answers · asked by chris w. 7

2006-11-23 09:38:57 · 16 answers · asked by Shelby Stale Chip 3

men on earth



because vibrators can't mow the lawn

come on guys we laugh at your blonde jokes.

2006-11-23 09:38:15 · 27 answers · asked by chris w. 7

Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princesswith an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car, with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk,
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Canadian, using American { Bill Gate's} technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorrydrivers hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals......
That, my friends, is Globalization

2006-11-23 09:36:49 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

because rea too many jokes that didnt make sence , but then his sister was funny like me!

2006-11-23 09:35:54 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

how 2 annoypeople at the store
"Accidentally" get stuck in one of the frozen food doors. Give people strange looks and see if anyone helps you out. Add really funny things to other peoples’ carts and watch them pay for it and see if they notice. Around Christmas time, start caroling. Ask for money from the listeners. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!" Ask if you can buy a shopping cart. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. Ask Someone if they know were they sell little babies! Attempt to fit into very large gym bags. Bring a friend and get in a shopping cart. Have them push you around while you yell "ye-haw!" Buy chrome hubcaps and put them on in the parking lot Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap. Constantly wink at a person you don't know. Follow them around and blow kisses to them. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible." Do all of these above without getting thrown out! Contributed Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!" Dress as a Jedi and randomly tell other shoppers in you're best Yoda voice,"May the force be with you". Everytime you walk out the door (or try waiting by the door for others to walk out), make a dinging noise then say mechanically "We're sorry. You have activated the Wal Mart inventory control service. Please step back and a Wal Mart associate will help you. Thank you." Fill your shopping cart with matchbooks and gasoline and walk around smiling at people. Find a parent with her kid in the shopping cart. Point at the kid and ask the parent, "What aisle are they selling these on?" Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department. Gather a bunch of bouncy balls and bounce them into neighboring aisles. Get 20 people together and play hide-n-go-seek. Get a dish towel and bucket and sit on the floor singing "It's a hard knock life for us!" Get a friend, put on as many articles of clothing you can find and start sumo wrestling (use diapers if possible) . Get a group of friends together and take lawn chairs from the display then rewind the movie playing on the display TV in electronics, sit down and watch the entire thing. Get one of those fake dogs that barks/sings, place it on the ground in front of a group of people and press the button to make it sing/bark. Then proceed to bark and growl like you are going to attack it Go into the dressing room and yell real loud... “Hey, we’re out of toilet paper in here!” Go to the express lane and get an item, and say "wait, I forgot something, and keep doing that until you have like 50, check out, then say "thanks, I forgot how much this costs," and walk away. Go to the video game section and play one of the games for a minute the throw down the controller and start to bang on the display case when an attendant asks u what u are doing tell him your trying to change the game. Go up to a guy and start crying saying I finally found you mommy! And see what he does! Go up to someone and start taking items from their basket and put them into yours. Go up to the clerk and say code Red! and see what they do! (I know it will work I did it.) Grab handfulls of super bounce balls and go wild. have a couple of friends go with you and dress up as power rangers. Battle the invisible enemy and tell shoppers to stand back. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “Pick me! Pick me!!” hide in the toy section, when someone comes close jump out at them throw a ball and yell "Pikachu I choose you!" Hold indoor shopping cart races. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. Joust with the electronic assist carts and wrapping paper (they usually won't throw you out) Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms. Make farting noises as you walk by someone. Make the entire auto department smell by sampling all the spray air fresheners. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?" Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics. Page yourself and then after the employee says your name, say...“Oh that's me, I've got to go. Thank you.” Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time. Play "Marco Polo." Play blind chicken with 12 friends putting a blind fold on one and them having that person trying to find you . Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field. Play with the automatic doors. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down. Pour bubble bath into the fountains in the garden section. Put M&M's on layaway. Put random items in the shopping carts of others while they aren't looking. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out. Repeat whatever the store clerk tells you. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive." Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. roll cans of soup down the aisles. run around the store yelling I'm a princess while holding a toy wand. Run around yelling for your pet ferret "Stinky". check out all the funny looks you get! Run up to a complete stranger and say "You're it!" Run up to a new employee in the pet aisle and point to an invisible cash register and say "Hey you! That cash register over there, well um, I think it's magic! It made my little sister (or brother if you have one) disappear!" Wait and see what they say and the expression on their face. Sample all the fragrances in the perfume department. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?" Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. Set up a battle of laser tag . Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. set up like ten pineapples in the shape of bowling pins and start bowling with a coconut. Shoot the bungee tops at customers. Start Humming the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Theme song. Whenever someone looks at an item near you scream "TUTLE POWER" and run away as fast as you can. Strategically scatter those novelty dog poops throughout the store and wait for some to announce "cleanup on aisle ..." then yell "BAD FLUFFY!" Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restroom. Take a snickers bar, go in the bathroom and smoosh the snickers bar in your hand and reach over to the next stall and say "uh do you have some toilet paper over there?" Take all of the free AOL cd's on the end of the check out counter Contributed by Keith Take bets on the battle described above. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles. Throw as many shoes as possible onto the floor in as little time as you can. TP as much of the store as possible. Try to fly on a broom. If anyone asks what you are doing tell them in a very annoyed voice, "the brooms don't work!" Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10". Unload then entire bin of giant bouncy balls, get in the bin, have a friend put all the balls back on top of you. When someone walks by jump outta the balls causing them to fly everywhere. Walk about 10 centimeters in front of a moving shopping cart and yell "Its gonna get me!" walk around in rubber boots , a rain coat, and an umbrella on bright sunny day! Walk through the store pushing a cart that is upside-down. Walk up and down yelling mommy , mommy then keep saying out loud have you seen my mommy I'm lost and I cant find her. Walk up to a person and say I'm the FBI and I heard that you have been shopelifting and we need to check you. Walk up to an employee and ask where the laxatives are, changing your voice as if you really need it. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment. Walk up to the automatic doors and walk back and forth through them and each time u go though look up at the sensor and yell "how does it work or ITS MAGIC!" When a woman with children walks near you in the toy aisle, throw yourself on the floor, screaming "mommy, I want that toy" When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" when someone steps away from their cart to look at something quickly make off with it without saying a word. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word. when the speaker/pager deal comes on start mimicking them. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!" While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible. While playing a video game in the Electronics, skip side-by-side, wiggle your butt, and hum to the music. Contributed by MOOSE!!!! While walking alone pretend you are have a serious conversation with someone. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crud, anyway?" jump out at people while hiding in a clothes wrack

2006-11-23 09:28:53 · 10 answers · asked by chris b 4

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

2006-11-23 09:27:01 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A businessman stepped inside an elevator and there was a blonde inside who greeted him with a bright "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said, as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back at her and, once again, said "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain. "T-G-I-F means

Thanks Goodness It's Friday...... . Get it? Duuhhh?"

The man answered "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'."

2006-11-23 09:08:58 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

yo men of all sizes and shapes are we going to let these girls insult

us like this , guys let get together and go search for some

jokes that will get these girls

now im going for a poo when i get back i expect to see some jokes goooooooooooooo

2006-11-23 09:05:18 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

snore when they lay on their backs



because their balls fall over their butt holes and they vapour lock.

2006-11-23 09:00:56 · 19 answers · asked by chris w. 7

I am the begining of eternity and the end of time and space.I am the begining of every end and the end of every place.

2006-11-23 08:58:48 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

why do woman try to controll men




because they can't do things for themselfs

2006-11-23 08:56:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

one million sperm to fertilise one egg



because they dont stop to ask directions

2006-11-23 08:54:38 · 14 answers · asked by chris w. 7

ow come whenever i wake up i have a wedgie? my underwear isn't too tight, but no matter what type i wear i get it.

how can i fix this problem? and what does "hungry butt" mean? my aunt said i had one and tapped my butt??

2006-11-23 08:50:07 · 4 answers · asked by Asker 1

New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard. When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day. "WHAT FOR?!?!?" he snapped at the judge. The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!" Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented: "That's all right. You don't have to pay now." The guy replied... "I know - I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words!"

2006-11-23 08:47:25 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous