Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

smarter when they are having sex




because they are plugged into a genius.

2006-11-23 08:45:41 · 22 answers · asked by chris w. 7

So there lived a witch called john and she loved eating little kids , so

one day a kid was playing soccer next door and she invited the kid

for some tea , so the kid came in her house

he then farted and the witch also farted but she farted in the toilet

any way now they didnt know that each person farted cuz it was at

diffrent times and placeses , so i forgot the end but i thought it was

funny hahahhahhah

2006-11-23 08:44:28 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man at counter:"Bet ur single".
Woman:"Yes! you knew it because of what i brought?"

Man "No, your'e just ugly".

Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. professional courtesy.

Q. Whats the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of sh-t?
A. The bucket.


A wife asked her husband: "what do u like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:"Your sense of humor".

2006-11-23 08:40:39 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay so we've all herd this joke i think but there r a lot of versions in my opinion so here is mine:

There are two brothers. One owns a cat and one does not. the one that owns the cat decied to go on a trip for two years...and leave his cat w/ his brother. So the cat brother - doug - left him with his brother - pete - while he went to Ireland. Before he left here was a convo they had
Doug: Ill call every other day and ask how he is doing
Pete: Okay thats fine. Have fun
Doug: Bye.

So in two days doug calls pete
Doug: Hey Pete
Pete: Hey Doug
Doug Hows my cat
Pete Just grand
Doug: Good Bye now
Pete Bye.

2 days later:

Doug: Hey Pete
Pete: Hey Doug
Doug Hows my cat
Pete Just grand
Doug: Good Bye now
Pete Bye.

This goes on for a year and a half intill one day:

Doug: Hey Pete
Pete: Hey Doug
Doug Hows my cat
Pete He died
Doug: WHAT!
Pete He died,
Doug: you shouldnt have told me like that. your not suppose to tell me flat out! your suppose to build up to

2006-11-23 08:35:37 · 4 answers · asked by smartypantsleen 3

2006-11-23 08:33:40 · 6 answers · asked by wilson picket 2

A big stubbled gun-slinging man saunders into a saloon in the wild west america with his pet crocodile.

After storming to the bar and ordering a whiskey on the rocks he notices a lot of scared looking people glancing at him.

A small man to his left looks at him with a patronising glaze. "You're not that hard" he states confidently.

The big man stands up, drops his trousers whips his c*ck out of his pants sticks it in the crocodiles mouth, tickles the crocodile and the crodile slams his mouth shut on the big mans fella.

He then pokes the croc in the eye, the croc opens his mouth and the man calmly does up his trousers and sits back down on the stool.

"There" he shouts clearly audible to the room, "anybody else brave enough to do that and I'll leave this saloon and never return"

After a moments silence a croaky voice comes from the back of the room.

"Ok" trembles a small west country boy, "I will, but just promise you won't poke me in the eye afterwards!"

2006-11-23 08:31:34 · 9 answers · asked by england til i die 3

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.

She wakes up shocked and sees this koala bear going down on her, and she decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that".

The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.

The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.

PROSTITUTE

(n) a person receiving payment for sexual services.

The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.

KOALA


(n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

2006-11-23 08:23:19 · 20 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Ok were dose a man with one leg eat a lot?

At Ihop
if you didnt get it,beacuse the man hops on a leg and the I means I hop so its saying I hop the man hops!

2006-11-23 08:21:39 · 21 answers · asked by Keola 1

Easy :
This old one runs forever, but never moves at all. He has not lungs nor throat, but still a mighty roaring call. What is it?

Medium:
Which word is the odd one out: First Second Third Forth Fifth Sixth Seventh Eighth

Hard :
What is so fragile that when you say its name you break it?

Extra Credit:
My posterior is adorned with feathers. I have a rather long neck and quite a pointy nose. I am able to fly, yet I have no wings. What am I?

2006-11-23 08:21:13 · 14 answers · asked by Coolkid81 3

Well this i just thought of because of what a girl asked in school one day.....so a "joke" based on a true thing.

A blonde girl walked into a bar to meet her boyfriend. She walked over gave him a kiss when he said
"Honey i need to leave in an hour...I have a doctors appoitment"
The blonde girl" "For what"
Blondegirls boy friend: I broke my nose
BG: So if you touch it will it fall off?

The end.

Folks im not joking...a girl seriously asked that question to this guy in my class..who just broke his nose so i decied to make a joke out of it

2006-11-23 08:20:32 · 7 answers · asked by smartypantsleen 3

Man goes 2 the bar and says "bartender,give me 7 shots of Vodka."
The bartender says "Ok,but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that."The man says "Just pour them.
The man takes the 1st shot and the bartender says "Hey,you want 2 talk about it"?The man says "No!" and drinks the next 2 shots.
The bartender says "Come on and tell me about it I've got a gd ear,thats why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles."
The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says "Ok,today was my first blow--b." The bartender says "Hey great,have another on the house ."

The man says "No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will!"

2006-11-23 08:19:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

did you know that Lou Reed was a robot in disguise........????

......yes he is because he brought out an album that was called Transformer!!

(i really made this up myself, should i send it off to Billy Connolly?)

2006-11-23 08:15:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How's that?" the would be accountant asked.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much will my position pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty five thousand," responded the owner decisively.

"Eighty five thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' work!"

2006-11-23 08:06:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

how do you want your chips cooked

2006-11-23 07:56:47 · 5 answers · asked by lionredrocks 2

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your ****," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.

The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."

Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"

2006-11-23 07:54:43 · 15 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

Easy:
The one who makes it sells it.
The one who buys it doesn't use it.
The one who's using it doesn't know he's using it.
What is it

Meduim: It's more powerful than God.
It's more evil than the devil.
The poor have it.
The rich need it.
If you eat it, you'll die.
What am I

Hard : I am slim and tall, Many find me desirable and appealing. They touch me and I give a false good feeling. Once I shine in splendor, But only once and then no more. For many I am "to die for". What am I?


Extra credit : Not born, but from a Mother's body drawn, I hang until half of me is gone. I sleep in a cave until I grow old, then valued for my hardened gold. What am I?

2006-11-23 07:54:18 · 12 answers · asked by Coolkid81 3

2006-11-23 07:53:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

betrayal was overwhelming.But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say 'Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the 1st doctor 2 sleep with 1 of ur patients & you won't be the last and ur single,just let it go '. But invariably the other voice would bring him back 2 reality whispering "Dave you're a f--kin vet"

2006-11-23 07:51:19 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's Good To See That You're Thinking
A preschool teacher is having a lesson on colors. She has an intuitive curriculum, and wants to get her students thinking. She starts off saying, "I am thinking of a green vegetable. What is it?" A boy says "Brocolli" and the teacher says, "No, it was a green pepper. But it's good to see that you're thinking."

Then she says, "I am now thinking of a yellow fruit. What is it?" A girl says "A lemon" and the teacher says, "No, it was a banana, but it's good to see that you're thinking."

Dirty Ernie says, "I've got a good one, teach. What's in my pants, is long, hard, and has a pink end?" "ERNIE!!!" shrieks the teacher, "IT BETTER NOT BE WHAT I'M THINKING OF!!!" and Dirty Ernie says, "No, it's a pencil, but it's good to see that you're thinking."

2006-11-23 07:47:07 · 13 answers · asked by chris b 4

he is really missing his girlfriend and is horny as hell, so he gets chatting to his corporal about his urges ,his corporal says if it gets to much for you theres a camel in the tent behind the mess tent,
....so the next day the corporal gives him a wink and says "did you get sorted last night?". the private says "yes but i had to get a milk crate and i had a hell of a time keepin its tail still", the corporal p*sses himself with laughter and says "i normally ride it into town and find a whore"

2006-11-23 07:45:35 · 11 answers · asked by wilson picket 2

Snoop Dog having a toss !!

2006-11-23 07:42:16 · 9 answers · asked by MICHAEL M 1

A policeman was interviewing three blondes who wanted to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he showed the first blonde a picture for five seconds and then hid it. "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answered, "That's easy! We'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman said, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashed the picture at the second blonde and said, "This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggled, flipped her hair and said, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily replied, "What's the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing, because this is a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

2006-11-23 07:41:42 · 14 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention".

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcastmedia here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell

2006-11-23 07:38:02 · 20 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

when i get big and fat & juicy,they cut me up & toss me in a salad.The pickle said when i get big fat and juicy they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar. The pe-is said u think thats bad when i get big fat & juicy they pull a plastic bag over my head stick me in a dark room & bang my head against the wall till i throw up and pass out !

2006-11-23 07:36:36 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is suffering from severe, long term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die:

First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.

Second, at lunchtime, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.

Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores.

Fourth, and most important, for invigorating him and relieving st

2006-11-23 07:20:26 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.I want 2 travel around the world with my darling husband,saidthe wife. Two tickets 4 a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand...Husband says - sorry love but my wish is 2 have a wife 30yrs younger than me.So the fairy waves her wand & the husband becomes 92.Moral of the story;men who are ungrateful bas-ards should remember - fairies are f--kin females.

2006-11-23 07:18:45 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

7. Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

4. Can you believe it! Those **** heads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

2006-11-23 07:10:19 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

wife why do you iron your bras youv'e nothing to put in them. She said "well I iron your underpants don't I . !!!!!!!!!

2006-11-23 07:07:26 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

Q. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?
A. A Klondike Bar

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. "How do you breath through something so small?"

Q. Why don't women wear watches?
A. There's a clock on the stove!

Q. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, *******?
A. *******: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a *******.

2006-11-23 07:04:47 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

2. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

3. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."

4. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

5. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

6. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

7. "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"

8. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

9. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

10. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

11. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

12. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."

13. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

14. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

15. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

16. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

17. "Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"

18. "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."

19. "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."

20. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

21. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

22. "We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits?"

23. "If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."

24. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Virginia)

2006-11-23 07:04:46 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous