Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

i am trying to do a little survey on the best jokes help me out please

2006-11-23 02:08:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me -- I need to speak to him." She is running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid that I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

2006-11-23 02:03:29 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was last night. My best friend and I were playing Dance Dance Revolution, a revolutionary new game. My friend was leaping about forming craters in the living room wood floor. She weighs in excess of 237 lbs, and her mountainous lard buckets were breaking the sound barrier throughout the town. Meanwhile, in the other room, my gramps and grams were enjoying a thorough portion of lobster tails. I was eyeing my friend as she took one final leap, and fell through the floor. The television then rocketed toward my gramps’ second stomach. (runs in the fam) Gramps then fell to the depths of the craters in the basement floor. My friend continued to leap ungracefully, as I yelled to my gramps down yonder to leave it on the doorstep and get the hell out of here. My friend sprinted full force, baggage flapping in the wind, down the street down yonder to find another TV. I paced toward my grams with the gimpy leg, and startled her so much that she choked on her fork. I sat there in astonishment as it began to twang in her esophagus like a garbage disposal. I turned around to witness the smoke and debris that were scattered around my living room amongst a few dozen corpses. The TV was engulfed in flames, and it began to scorch my gramps’ bulbous nostril hair. I grumbled in agony as my grams fell off the chair onto the cold hard mahogany floor. What should I do?

2006-11-23 02:01:56 · 8 answers · asked by Reginalda 1

A lawyer married a woman who had
previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that
be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

2006-11-23 02:01:22 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-23 01:59:44 · 29 answers · asked by Tarry Totter 1

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded to the last hotel manager. "Or just a bed. I don't really care where. I'm completely exhausted."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "And I'm sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.

"Never better," John said.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time," John said.

"How'd you manage that?" the manager asked.

"He was already in bed, snoring away when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

2006-11-23 01:58:46 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

George harrison was strumming his guitar when a cockroach came strolling up.George Harrison looked down and said to the cockroach"Do you know i named a pop group after you".The cockroach looked up at George Harrison and said "WHAT CYRIL"

2006-11-23 01:56:55 · 13 answers · asked by colin050659 6

Doctor Larsson was doing his normal morning rounds the mental hospital when he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.

Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion,
"Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor asks,
"If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from
there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark!?"

2006-11-23 01:35:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,

"Where did you get that car?"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

(Are women good or what?)

2006-11-23 01:28:57 · 39 answers · asked by chantelle d 3

2006-11-23 01:26:34 · 19 answers · asked by 2 good 2 miss 6

have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia. Hwoeevr tihs is olny in extreem caess of slef aubse

2006-11-23 01:20:21 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-23 01:12:09 · 18 answers · asked by Roy J 1

Plz send your biodata & photo 2 hutch. u will get chance 2 come on TV...so apply soon. becz hutch dog died. nw they want a monkey..

2006-11-23 01:10:20 · 15 answers · asked by Roy J 1

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the
railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young
woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and
cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You're a lucky guy. Was she
pretty?"



> >> "Dunno... I never found the head."

2006-11-23 01:08:23 · 19 answers · asked by ANON 4

when i went to the zoo as a kid i SWEAR that elephants were as big as houses but now they're tiny... what happened? is this a government cover up????

2006-11-23 01:00:49 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

so there a earth quack and this guy gets stuck under rocks that once was his home!

so when the ambulace arrive he screams out "help me help me im in rom 3 0 7"

they searh for room 307 but the nubers of the rooms where crushed by the erthquake!

"in 307 help me" the find him and i the hospital when he wakes up all suprised

he screams " docter docter why cant i feel my legs " and the docter replys "because you haven't got any arms"

2006-11-23 00:57:58 · 11 answers · asked by butter 1

WOOD

2006-11-23 00:51:21 · 27 answers · asked by melucknope 1

when two chickens fight it dosnt look right

when you men fight it looks alright

when a banana fights with a gay the banana will win

when a banana fights with a lesbain the les will win
then stick it in her bum"anyway"

when 2 girls fight who cares, really now , who

but when you *** fights the toilet you a s s always wins!

2006-11-23 00:46:18 · 4 answers · asked by butter 1

man walks in to rest room

another man askes whats the time he points to his wriste and says 2 o clock

he then walks to a mini market gets a cola

some one askes whats the time he points to his watch and says 2 o clock

so he gos home and his mom calls, he picks up the phone , she askes whats the time

he say aaaaaaazzz azza the time is zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz poop zzzzzzzthe time is 2 o clock goodbye

2006-11-23 00:40:01 · 13 answers · asked by butter 1

2006-11-23 00:26:24 · 5 answers · asked by t_c5 2

2006-11-23 00:19:09 · 12 answers · asked by kaal 1

2006-11-23 00:16:38 · 17 answers · asked by BOO 5

send me the answers.....plzzz

2006-11-23 00:13:55 · 10 answers · asked by vipinyounger 1

The riddle goes "A man is driving. He doesn't have his headlights on, and the moon isn't shining. The stars aren't visible, either. Somehow he is able to see a man in the middle of the road and miraculously stops in time to save his life. How did it happen?" The man doesn't have anything with him at all except the clothes on his back to signal him, no cell phone, not even a flashlight. These are two complete strangers. They have never met before. and neither of them are psychic.

2006-11-22 23:59:12 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?", he asked.

"Yes, I am."

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, I am," she said.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father answered.

The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"

2006-11-22 23:34:22 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Went into a bar last nite, ordered a large whisky and a pint of lager, drank them really quick then said to the barmaid" you know i shoudnt do this" "why is that?"" cause i aint got no money"........... keep smiling

2006-11-22 23:33:26 · 13 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4

A boss wondered why one of his most valued and reliable employees one day failed to appear at work but had not phoned in sick. He dialled the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:

.............."ME!"

2006-11-22 23:32:25 · 20 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Please visit and give your rating:

www.flashfunpages.com/thanksgiving-card.htm

2006-11-22 23:26:34 · 7 answers · asked by Electric 7

hey i do need knock knock jokes
like who s there: max . max who? max no difference
or who's there - scott. scott who? scott nothing to do with you.

tell me more tell me more.

keep on smiling thx

2006-11-22 23:18:49 · 21 answers · asked by langstrumpf 4

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. As this is her first pregnacy the doc asks if she has any questions. She replies "well am a liitle bit worried about the pain how much will childbirth hurt?" doc replies"well the level of pain is hard to describe,but i will try..........Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little......."like this""no a little more""like this no a little more""like this" yes does that hurt? a little bit "Now stretch it over your head"............................ keep smiling

2006-11-22 23:18:07 · 16 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4