Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

My mom told me what this is today. I am curious if anyone knows.

2006-11-22 16:27:24 · 10 answers · asked by Serinity4u2find 6

Whoever gets this right prize is ten points. Two fathers and two sons go fishing. All of them catch a fish. There are no accidents along the way. They ALL caught a fish but there are only 3 fish. What the hell is going on? Who knows.

2006-11-22 16:26:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

From what you know about professional titles: What do you call an African-American man who is a doctor and a judge, has received knighthood from the Queen of England, and is also a Colonel in the National Guard?

2006-11-22 16:26:01 · 6 answers · asked by FU_Mofos 1

2006-11-22 16:25:18 · 18 answers · asked by gladmeman 2

Ok Here it is:
Roman Numerals =

I=1
V=5
X=10

Now whats missing?

_IX=6

2006-11-22 16:23:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-22 16:23:22 · 7 answers · asked by vicki f 2

They ended up in a comic strip....

2006-11-22 16:22:44 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

and says "Could you tell me where I can get some water?
The Jewish guy asks "Do you want to buy this tie?"
The Arab says "You don't understand, I'm very thirsty and I am in need of water"
The Jewish guy insists "Would you buy this tie?
The Arab retorts "Is that all you people ever think about? Selling me a tie for money when you can clearly see I'm in dire need of water?"
The Jewish guy answers "OK, there's a watering hole about two miles on the other side of that sand dune"
So the Arab guy sets off in the direction of the sand dune and pretty soon he is out of sight.
About two hours later he comes plodding back THIS time REALLY PARCHED and FOAMING at the MOUTH!
He says to the Jewish guy "Your brother over there won't let me in without a TIE!"

2006-11-22 16:22:29 · 4 answers · asked by Hayseedless 5

Two guys walk into a bar.....the third guy ducks. (HACHA!)

A guy walks into a bar...OUCH! (WOWZA!)

2006-11-22 16:11:58 · 14 answers · asked by fatpeople_atemy_family 2

"Become a Catholic and earn $500"
The first one says to the other "Hey, I could use that money"
The second says "You can't do that, You're Jewish"
The first one says "I know, but I need that money"
So he goes in while the second one waits outside by the front doors.
About a half hour later the first one comes out.
The second one asks "Well, did you become a Catholic?"
The first says "Yes, Um, hum"
The second asks "So, did you get the money?
The first one says "Is THAT all YOU PEOPLE EVER THINK ABOUT!!"

2006-11-22 16:05:32 · 8 answers · asked by Hayseedless 5

coming home from school in a bad mood one day,reached home which was a farm walked along the yard kiked a pig and made it squeal then he kicked a chicken and made it cluck loudly once inside his mother said i just see you kick that pig and chicken for doing that you will have no bacon or eggs for a week,his father entered the room also in a bad mood and kicked the cat,the mother said to the naughty son ,do you want to tell your father or shall i.

2006-11-22 16:05:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill, I wanna see it this time."

2006-11-22 16:04:08 · 9 answers · asked by fatpeople_atemy_family 2

What starts with 'T', ends with 'T', and is full of 'T'?

2006-11-22 15:47:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

give up.....
ones a snack cracker.. and the other is crack snacker...
no offense please.. its a joke..

2006-11-22 15:46:12 · 7 answers · asked by vicki f 2

What happens when a Black female and Micheal Richards mate?

.... (They have an oreo)

2006-11-22 15:37:29 · 8 answers · asked by milb78 2

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family
of a weeping wife and their four children.

Three of the children are tall, good looking and
athletic; but, the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that
the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the
truth before I die, I will forgive you if..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest,
absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave
that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her
breath: "Thank heaven he didn't ask about the other
three."

###
It's not what you say, it's what you don't say that's important.A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave to him and says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

2006-11-22 15:26:45 · 20 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two
brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly
mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood,
it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents
were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing
about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys,
the mother suggested to the father that they ask the
priest to talk with the boys. The father replied,
"Sure, do that before I kill them!"

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He
agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first
and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive
desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just
sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest
pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is
G~d?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the
room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked,

2006-11-22 15:22:26 · 14 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

Here are a few
You might be a redneck if you and your wife stay married for the sake of the dogs.
or
You might be a redneck if you've ever driven across state line to go to a yard sale.

What's your favorite??

2006-11-22 15:18:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 men & 1 woman are stranded on a desert Island

After the first week the woman was so disgusted at what they were doing, she killed herself.

After the second week the 2 men were so disgusted at what they were doing, they buried her.

After the third week the 2 men were so disgusted at what they were doing, they dug her up again.

2006-11-22 15:14:47 · 16 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

If you think you know the answer write it on BMW and send to jdhayman...general delivery dublin OH post office

2006-11-22 15:06:48 · 3 answers · asked by jdhayman 5

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than
on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no
recollection of what to do with them.

2006-11-22 15:03:41 · 6 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE

TEN COMMANDMENTS
Sometimes you have to get the message across
as best we can. Try this for those who can't
understand the King James Version: EBONICS STYLE

1. I'm God. Don't play me.
(I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any
other gods before me.)

2. Don't be makin no hood ornaments
and charms outta me, or like me.
(Thou shalt not have any graven images)

3. Don't be callin' me for no reason
(Thou shalt not use the name of the
Lord thy God in vain)

4. Y'all betta be in church on Sunday,
and not just the Sundays when
it's Mother's day, Easter
and Christmas
(Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy)

5. Don't dis or cuss out yo momma.....
and if you know who ya daddy
is, don't dis him neither.
(Honor thy father and thy mother)

6. Don't be goin' on no drive bys.
(Thou shalt not kill)

7. Stick to ya own Boo.
(Thou shalt not commit adultery)

8. Don't be borrow'n stuff and
don't give it back.
(Thou shalt not steal)

9. Don't be snitchin' on the otha'
man to save your behind.
(Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother)

10. Don't be eyein' (skeeming) yo
homie's crib, ride, woman,
or nuffin.
(Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy brother ).

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that

the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.



For example, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine
features.





However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to
prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple, his tongue ripped out,

and a bat jammed up his *** while he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been canceled.

EASY ROASTED STUFFED TURKEY


12 - 14 lb. turkey
1 1/2 cups melted butter
2 cups stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good.)
2 cups uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
______________________________

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper.

Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.

Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds.

When the turkey's *** blows the oven door open and the turkey flies across the room, it's done.


And, you thought I couldn't cook...

2006-11-22 15:03:09 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

This old man thought that his wife was becoming deaf since when he asks her questions, she doesn't answers.

His grand-daughter told him about turning away from his wife and asking him a question far away and when she doesn't answer, you would take a step toward her.

So that night, he asks his wife "Honey, what are we having for dinner tonight?" No reply. So he takes a step towards her. "Honey, what are we having for dinner tonight?" He hears no reply. He did it a couple more times, and didn't hear a reply. When he was right beside her, he asks, "Honey, what are we going to have for dinner tonight?"
Then his wife finally said,"For the twelfth time! We're going to have Steak!"

2006-11-22 14:55:20 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's a blond, a bernette and a redhead.
They were at a farm and stealing things from the garden.
The farmer catch's them but they run into the barn and jump into empty sacks. The farmer runs into the barn and go's up to each bag.
"Who's in there?" he says to the first bag.

The redhead (who was in the bag), made a barking noise.

"Oh, it's just the dog," the farmer says.

Then he goe's over to the second bag and asks,

"Who's in there?"

The bernette answers with a meow. The farmer frowns.

"It's just the cat."

Finally, he goe's to the last bag and asks,

"Who's in there?"

And, in the quietest whisper, the blond replys,

"Potato's."

2006-11-22 14:55:10 · 13 answers · asked by ridenqween1 1

A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium.

As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field. He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.

The man replied, "No."

Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"

The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."

"Oh, how sad," the man said.

"I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"

"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral."

2006-11-22 14:53:36 · 17 answers · asked by ? 4

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. The doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed and asked the doctor what hearts were available, reminding him that he was rich, and money was no object.

"I have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000."

The doctor continued, "The second is from a marathon runner, 24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's also $100,000."

The third is from a middle-aged man who was a heavy drinker and smoker and ate a lot of red meat. It's $500,000."

"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"

"Yeah, but he was a lawyer. Of the three hearts, it's the least used."

2006-11-22 14:49:59 · 7 answers · asked by ? 4

an old man was running into an ice cream parlor and ordered a banana split. the waitress said, "crushed nuts?' he said, "no, arthritis."

An old man was talking to this twenty year old about his new hearing aid. the old man said it was top of the line, and he could hear things a mile away. then the twenty year old said, "which brand built it?" he said, "about quarter after."

three old men walked out of a bar the first one said, "those were some good drinks." the second says "uh, about quarter past eight." the third one said, "NO OFFICER, I DIDN'T DO IT THIS TIME!" and he ran on ahead.

just tell me if these jokes are lame.

2006-11-22 14:48:38 · 8 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

2006-11-22 14:43:24 · 11 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

a doctor said to his patient, "I have bad news, and worse news. the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live. The worse news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

2006-11-22 14:37:08 · 10 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3

2006-11-22 14:27:57 · 11 answers · asked by Brennah L 2