Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost
twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide
to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only
plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk that although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350. When the clerk tells him that $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains that the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the
husband and wife to use. He also explains that they could have taken in one of
the shows for which the hotel is famous. ''The best entertainers from New York,
Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here'', explains the manager. No matter what
facility the manager mentions, the man replies, ''But we didn't use it!'' The
manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He
writes a check and gives it to the manager.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. ''But sir,'' he says, ''this
check is only made out for $100.'' ''That's right,'' says the man. ''I charged
you $250 for sleeping with my wife.'' ''But I didn't!'' exclaims the manager.
''Well,'' the man replies, '' she was here, and you could have.''

2006-11-22 19:26:33 · 5 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

X is impossible for God.
X is above God.
X is more important than LOVE.
the rich needs X.
The poor has X.
If we eat X we die.
Its a 7-letter word, what is X???

2006-11-22 19:08:00 · 8 answers · asked by Katz 1

i have done really badely in my exams...
what should i do now ?
i am really scared to tell my parents..
i cant even tell them that next time i will do better
because i said it last time also..
Please tell me what i can do ...
(i know this is a wrong section to ask this question..
but i thought that many of u like answering here..and i will get some replies...
)
so please help me...
i feel like killing myself..
( please please tell me what i can do now )

2006-11-22 19:06:29 · 7 answers · asked by shee 1

In the honeymoon suite, the husband takes his socks off.
"Aaargh!" cries the wife. " What happened to your feet?"
"Well" says hubby, "I had Tolio when I was little.
"Don't you mean Polio?"
"No, it just affected my toes, so the doctor called it Tolio."
He takes his trousers off and wife screams again. "Look at your knees!"
"Yes", says Hubby, "I had Neasles."
Off come the underpants, and she's starting to get the idea.
"Don't tell me" she giggles "Small cox!"

2006-11-22 19:06:20 · 20 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

you no let your freek flag fly for the heck of it and what did you get up to once i got boared so just for a laugh and im laughing just remembering i robbed ..no.. moved every carton of milk from one whole road at 3amand built a big wall of them in a guys drive way just to see his face when he tried to drive one of the 6 cars in the drive way out to work what can i say i was stressed and it made me laugh

2006-11-22 19:05:53 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I can run but not walk. Wherever I go, thought follows close behind. What am I?
_________________

2006-11-22 19:05:19 · 23 answers · asked by slider 1

Solve " I am 13 letter word,-H-T---I--ME-?

1.Doctors hate me..
2.Fisher men likes me..
3.kids love to eat me..
who am I? Challenge for UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

2006-11-22 19:03:27 · 12 answers · asked by MM 2

wud u spot a mo ron in a cockfight arena?

d' 1 hu carries a DUCK!

but there is dumber than him...

d 1 hu puts his money on d DUCK!

2006-11-22 18:38:31 · 5 answers · asked by pit_bulldog 3

with the chick singing to salt n peppa song is the funniest thing ever??? I love how she tries to lick herself and then falls over :)

2006-11-22 18:17:08 · 5 answers · asked by angela h 2

2006-11-22 18:10:01 · 16 answers · asked by MARKOS KRUGER 5

2006-11-22 18:01:48 · 25 answers · asked by Anshul B 1

2006-11-22 18:00:10 · 14 answers · asked by Anshul B 1

2006-11-22 17:59:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anshul B 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up
her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $1,000 to drop that
towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her
$1,000 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When
she
gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob
the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great!" the husband says,
'did he say anything about the $1,000 he owes me?"

2006-11-22 17:58:33 · 24 answers · asked by stone 4

A lady about seven months pregnant
got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She
immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a
grin, so she moved again. The man
seemed more amused. When on the
fourth move, the man burst out
laughing, she complained to the
driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The
| judge asked the man what he had to
say for himself. The man replied,
"Well, your Honor, it was like
this. When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat under under a
sign that said, "The Double Mint
Twins are Coming" and I had to
smile. Then she moved and sat under
a sign that said,"Slogan' s Liniment will reduce the swelling" and
I had to grin. Then she placed herself under a sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain
myself. BUT .....when she moved the fourth time and sat under
a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
Accident" I laughed out loud."

"Case Dismissed," said the judge.

2006-11-22 17:43:47 · 11 answers · asked by stone 4

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Hong Kong and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Chinese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord!
Play a jazz chord!".

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie’s varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn’t seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, smart ***.
You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...



" A jazz chord, to say, I love you..."

2006-11-22 17:43:36 · 15 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

Why couldn't people stop reading Tolkien's "Lord of the the Rings?"
A: Because its a hobbit they couldn't break!

Heheh... And here is today's riddle:

Why didn't the turkey want to eat any dinner?

Have fun! :)

2006-11-22 17:41:03 · 9 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

2006-11-22 17:37:28 · 7 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No Way they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving.

2006-11-22 17:35:53 · 7 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

4 cars come at the same time at a 4 way stop, who goes first? they say the car to your right but, everybody is thinking the car to the right of them it's just a big circle. Example...the car to the right of the blue car is red and the car to the right of the red car is green and the car to the right of the green car is yellow and the car to the right of the yellow car is blue it just starts all over again. Who goes first?

2006-11-22 17:30:08 · 11 answers · asked by melbow35 2

10 pts for the first right answer

2006-11-22 17:19:29 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

fill in the blanks

you know ur a mexican when__________
you know ur a red-neck when__________

the one that could make me laugh so hard that i pee myself will win. any other type of joke that is somewhat the same to this is certainly invited exp(u know ur a _______when)

2006-11-22 17:18:55 · 6 answers · asked by Groovy 3

I live in water, if u cut my head I am at your door.

If you cut my tail I am a fruit

If you cut both I am with you.

2006-11-22 17:17:54 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

This young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chili.

After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "if you ain''t goin to eat that, mind if I do"? The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead".

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chili. The sight is shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that''s as far as I got, too."

2006-11-22 17:07:42 · 16 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

2006-11-22 17:02:54 · 9 answers · asked by abbeyroad54321 3

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench."Do you know them?" Dr Watson asked. "No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute, or the bride we just passed." "Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?" "Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces." "The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth." "Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?" "Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

2006-11-22 16:40:27 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.If all the nations in the world are in debt(am not joking. even US has got debts), where did all the money go? (weird)



2.When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? (to be given a thought)



3.What is the speed of darkness? (absurd)



4.If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? (very good thinking)



5.Who copyrighted the copyright symbol? (who knows)



6.Can you cry under water? (let me try)



7.Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day? (i think they meant something else)



8.Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed? (God knows)



9.Do fish ever get thirsty? (let me ask and tell)



10.Can you get cornered in a round room? (by ones eyes)



12.Why do birds not fall out of trees when they sleep? (tonight i will stay and watch)



13.What cam! e first, the fruit or the color orange? (seed)



14.If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? (No comments)



15.What should one call a male ladybird? (No comments)



16.If a person suffered from amnesia and then was cured would they remember that they forgot? (can somebody help )



17.Can you blow a balloon up under water? (yes u can)



18.Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? (strange isnt it)



19.If you were traveling at the speed of sound and you turned on your radio would you be ! able to hear it? (got to think scientifically)



20.If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? (i dont have a change to try)



21.Why is it called a TV set when theres only one? (very nice)



22.If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth? (this is nice)



23.Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road? (stupid, break the law)

2006-11-22 16:35:02 · 15 answers · asked by Chocogal 7

2006-11-22 16:32:55 · 12 answers · asked by vicki f 2

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."
The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

2006-11-22 16:29:39 · 14 answers · asked by fatpeople_atemy_family 2

2006-11-22 16:27:32 · 21 answers · asked by vicki f 2