Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A guy came into a bar one day, sat down and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Sheesh! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

The third day the guy came into the bar again and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Are you serious! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

2006-11-22 11:27:05 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

what black friday was

2006-11-22 11:22:00 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

4 girls preganant, how many babies would they have?

2006-11-22 11:18:52 · 19 answers · asked by toneuk 2

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a s---head.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. we came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we are retired.

It's important at our age.

2006-11-22 11:18:41 · 18 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...
Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.

Good girls make chicken for dinner...
Bad girls make reservations.

Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...
Bad girls know they could do better.

Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...
Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.

Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...
Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.

Good girls love Italian food...
Bad girls love Italian waiters.

2006-11-22 11:03:22 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

a girl who is kinda shy,but knoes how to live!!

a girl that dosent hesatate

a girl who has a figure

a girl who talks to there crushes as a freind with no PROB

A GIRL WHO HAS SHOULDER length HAIR

A GIRL WHO HAS DARK brown eyes

and a girl that dosent care what people think of her?

2006-11-22 11:00:36 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a pub with an ostritch and a cat, he walks up to the bar and says can I have a pint of bitter and a coke and......'and an orange juice, but i'm not paying for it' says the cat. So the barman serves the drinks.

A couple days later the three walk into the pub again and the man orders a bitter and a coke and some crisps and the cat says 'i'll have an orange juice, but i'm not bloody paying for it!' The barman pours the drinks and the cat and ostritch sit down at a table. The man leans on the bar and sighs.

'whats up with that cat! and why have you got a ostricth?' asks the barman

The man replies ' well the other day I found this lamp, so I rubbed it and out pops a genie and grants one wish'

'so what did you wish for?'

' well...... a bird with nice long legs and a tight p*ssy'

2006-11-22 10:57:47 · 12 answers · asked by wave 5

An old man asks the Wizard if he can remove a curse he has been living woth for 40 years. The Wizards says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."

2006-11-22 10:53:22 · 15 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.

2006-11-22 10:45:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I had a subsitute yesterday in Trig class... so we got a handout. I did the handout and finished quite early. I tried to turn it in but the sub told me to turn it in on the way out... so i went to sleep. when i woke up... i found out that i drooled all over my paper... so i just took my sleeve and wiped off the desk... then i turned in my wet paper. have you ever done it? (and please rate this question and all answers. I like it when people do that.) Thankyou.:)

2006-11-22 10:45:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 but dont ask me how they got in there!! :)

2006-11-22 10:41:19 · 36 answers · asked by guppy 1

.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married five times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #3 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #4 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #5 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're in Insurance. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

2006-11-22 10:36:06 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

at hte department store there were only 3 toilets left adn 3 men

a wooden toilet.
a slippery toilet.
and a singing toilet.

one am nwalked in and wanted a new toilet , dissapointed by his choices he chose the wooden toilet.
another man also disspointed take the slippery toilet.
and the last man came in and was greatly dissapointed to see only the singing toilet left. bu the took it anyway.

a few dasy later the man wiht the wooden toilet came back complaing "
"EVERYTIME I SIT DOWN I GET SPLINTERS IN MY BUTT!"

and the man wiht the slippery toilet came in to complain he said
" EVERYTIME I SIT DOWN I FALL IN TO MY TOILET!!"

then the man with the singing toilet came in looking embarrassed and upset. . . complaining
"everytime i sit down on my toilet it sings ~do you see what I see~ !!!"

haha, i got a million of jokes. . .more anyone?

2006-11-22 10:33:17 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Scottish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first. The Scottish man, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run man, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing. So the Scottish, extremely embarrassed, sat back down. A friendly fan, seeing the Scottish man's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run -- he got four balls."

The Scottish man stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man... walk with pride!"

2006-11-22 10:24:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

He knew his wife had an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a sex shop and was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special.
The old man behind the counter said, "We have vibrating dildo, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …
well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but The "Voodoo Penis."
"So what's that he asked.
The old man pulled out a wooden box, he opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door."
The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.
Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!"
The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"
The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.
After three mind- shattering orgasms, she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.
Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied,

"Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ***."

2006-11-22 10:23:06 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes and in that time, you can do anything you want." With a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking knowingly.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

2006-11-22 10:22:47 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

your mama soo fat when she went to the ocean,the whales popped up and started singing:We are family!!!!'' what do you think of this joke????

2006-11-22 10:14:08 · 29 answers · asked by Melanie J 1

2006-11-22 10:07:52 · 11 answers · asked by Sarah the Ballerina 2

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

2006-11-22 10:04:37 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The maker doesn't want it
The buyer doesn't use it
The user doesn't see it

2006-11-22 10:02:25 · 33 answers · asked by Belmar 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_1rdLl3-l8

In this martial art demonstration 2 girls (about 110-130 pounds) jump on a guys stomach from a chair.

How can he take that?

Thanks

2006-11-22 09:58:56 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a riddle.

2006-11-22 09:58:34 · 4 answers · asked by Sarah the Ballerina 2

2006-11-22 09:56:32 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-22 09:50:21 · 23 answers · asked by Rob 2

STUPID INVENTATION:

1) Inflatable dart board.
2) Glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.
3) A book on how to read.
4) Solar-powered flashlight.
5) Screen door on a submarine.
6) Motorbike with air conditioning
7) Left handed pencil
8) Helicopter with ejector seat
9) Wooden barbecue
10) Chocolate tea pot
11) Tent with a doorbell and security camera
12) Black Highlighter
13) Braille Driver's Manual
14) Sugar-Coated Toothpaste
15) The system that allows you to report power failures via the Internet

2006-11-22 09:47:33 · 8 answers · asked by Dharshi 2

his wife is furious and says"ok smart a*se why's there lipstick on your collar ?".............he replys"hic.........easy i used my shirt to wipe my c*ck!"

2006-11-22 09:43:38 · 12 answers · asked by wilson picket 2

An Armesh drive by shooting

2006-11-22 09:28:25 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

why didnt the skeliton go to the party??

2006-11-22 09:25:45 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think it was sheldon, from Garfield and Friends! Half egg half Shell...! Do you agree?

2006-11-22 09:18:33 · 24 answers · asked by Mango S 2

Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.

Little Jimmy stood up, alone.

Mrs. White said, "Jimmy, do you really think you're stupid?"

"No," Jimmy said. "But I didn't want you standing up there alone

2006-11-22 08:59:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous