Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

ok so these 2 old men are sitting in the nursing home waiting to die. The first man, bob turns to the second, bill, and says,"why don't we sneek out of here and go deer hunting one more time." Bill agrees, so they set of to go hunting. They arrive at the old cabin from which they decided to met back at after the hunt.Bob goes one direction and Bill goes the other, both headed to their special hunting spots. Well, about and hour later bob nails a deer. He soon finds out that he can't drag it out of the woods by himself so he goes off to find bill. Upon arriving at bills stand he finds that bill had fallen asleep while he was going to the bathroom...instead of waking him bob guts his deer..He then carried all of the guts overto were bill was asleep and placed them undereath him.Bob walked back tothe cabin. Shortly afterwards billcomes walking extremely slow.Bob asks him," bill whats wrong? And bill said," i pooped my guts out bob!But with Gods help and this finger i got them all back in!

2006-11-22 07:16:20 · 22 answers · asked by southpaw1416 2

and your momma (fairly clean please)

2006-11-22 07:05:15 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-22 06:59:27 · 14 answers · asked by fiscomi 2

i really dont know the answer

2006-11-22 06:59:24 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok there's a blonde burnette and red head.

They go out to sea one day.
So they need to go north to get back to land.

The redhead says:Why don't we follow the northern star.

And they all look up but see a bunch of stars and can't find there way.


So they all get mad at her and then the Burnette says why don't we get a cup of water and set a needle in a cork or on wood and set it in the cup?

SO they try and get a cup of water and then they don'
t have a needle.

So they get mad at her.


Then the blonde says why don't we just go north!

2006-11-22 06:58:45 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "

He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."

He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

2006-11-22 06:55:07 · 18 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Were on a train when the yank throws a large cigar out of the window,
The p@ki says "Why did you throw that expensive cigar out of the window?"
Expensive! they're 2 a dime from where I come from" replied the Yank.
Not to be out done the Jap throws his Nikkon camera out of the window, Again the p@ki asks "Why throw that expensive camera out of the window?"
Expensive! They're 2 a yen from where I come from" Replied the Jap
The Englishman thinks about this for a while then gets up and opens the window and throws out the P@ki!

2006-11-22 06:49:39 · 14 answers · asked by jabelite 3

2006-11-22 06:45:59 · 25 answers · asked by Anne Nonny Mouse 4

so there was a man with a woman and thats the end of my joke , go away all you people!

2006-11-22 06:45:14 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I thought this joke was funny, but nobody else did. that do you guys think?

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jeffrson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Radolph, James Monrow and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay withering in unberable pain, an angel appeared.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied." I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

2006-11-22 06:44:58 · 10 answers · asked by sparky_grl_772 2

blonde, brunette, redhead,
There was a blonde, brunette, and redhead on a cliff.
A genie came by and said if you jump off the cliff and say your favorite drink that's what you will land in.
So the brunette jumps off and says water and she lands in a sea of water.
The redhead jumps off and says lemonade and she lands in a giant sea of lemonade.
Then the blonde jumps off and screams, "wheeeeeeeeee!"

2006-11-22 06:44:33 · 17 answers · asked by chris b 4

Mrs .White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.

Little Jimmy stood up,alone.

Mrs. White said,"Jimmy, do you really think you're stupid ?"

"No," Jimmy said. "But i didn't want you standing up there alone ,"

2006-11-22 06:41:16 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into an bar with a cat and an ostrich. He says "can I have three beers." The bar man says "that will be £3.00 please" and the cat says "I'm not paying for that!" So the man takes exactly £3.00 out of his pocket.

The next day they walk into the bar again and he says "I'll have three beers and three pies." The bar man says "That will be £6.00 please." and the cat says "I'm not paying for that!" So the man takes exactly £6.00 out of his pocket.

The next day they go into the bar and the bar man says "The past two days you've come in here with that cat and that ostrich and paid with exact change, why?"

"Well I found a magic lamp and a Genie gave me three wishes. I wished for the exact change on those two days."

"What about the 3rd one?"

"Well that's were I screwed up! I asked for a long legged bird with a tight *****."

2006-11-22 06:34:24 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

What am I?

I think its a pretty easy riddle but only time will tell. Lets see how long it takes for a correct answer. I thought of it myself.

2006-11-22 06:31:28 · 7 answers · asked by 12ated12 2

There is a little white boy with an all white family playing outside in the mud.He rolls around and realizes he is covered in mud.He goes inside and tells his mom "Look mom i'm black." She says come here.He went and she whooped him.

She said go tell your dad what u did.
He went to his dad and said "Look dad i'm black."He said come here and he started to whoop him. Go to your grandma and tell her what you did.The grandma did the same thing.He went back to his mom and she asked"What have you learnt today?" The boy said " i've been black for five minutes and already hate you white basterds!!!"

2006-11-22 06:27:30 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

Heres a joke
there were 2 men in a rooftop pub the 1st man says if u jumped out the widow u will land on the second floor the 2nd man looks like he is drunk no it wont he said it will the 1st man said okay u do it first so the man goes over to the window and jumpes out 2 minuets later he walks up the stairs the how did u do it the 2nd man say look its easy he jumpes out again and 2 minuets hes back up the 2nd mans amazed so the 1st man says u try it the 2nd man jumpes out 2 his death the bar tender looks at him and says superman u realy are a bastard

2006-11-22 06:26:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

an earth quake happend and a man got stuck under his home

when the ambulane came, they heard his voice "i'm in room

307 help me help me"

so the found him and in the hospital when he woke up

he screamed for the docter "docter docter why cant i feel my legs why docter"

and the docter told him "cause you have no arms"

2006-11-22 06:22:27 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it he is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core he asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.

After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach lauging his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded

2006-11-22 06:11:28 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with 4 young mothers and their small children...
"You all have obsessions,"he observed.
To the 1st mother,Mary,he said,"You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named ur daughter Candy."

He turned 2 the 2nd mom,Ann:"Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your childs name,Penny."

He turns 2 the 3rd mom,Joyce:"Your obsession is alcohol.
This too manifests itself in your childs name,Brandy."

At this point, the 4th mother, Kathy,gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers."Come on, Dcik ,we're leaving ."

2006-11-22 06:08:14 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A real nice one sent in by RC:

The battle scarred and patriotic US soldier on his field hospital bed battling for his life. Considering that he might die at any moment he calls the duty nurse and tells her,

“I want to kiss the US flag before I die.”

Nurse says, “I am so sorry, there is none available right here, but rather than such a patriot like you, maybe you can kiss the flag tatoo which I have put on my ***.”

Soldier kisses the flag and says to the nurse.

“Ok turn around I want to kiss Bush too.”

2006-11-22 06:02:25 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

>A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they

>stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and

>there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last

>year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He

>mated 50 times last year."

>

>

>They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

>"This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a

>healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

>

>

>They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in

>capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so

>excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's

>once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

>

>

>

>The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was

>with the same cow."
_____________________________________________________

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."
_____________________________________________________

Tale of an Irish Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!".
_____________________________________________________

CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

"FINE," THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?" "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

"FINE," SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."

"I'M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS." HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS.................................... HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY," HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NI CE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME, "WHAT WAS WRONG?" I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO....DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN ON
MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
_____________________________________________________

A Loving Husband...

A man from Seattle and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to

Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the

husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury

her

here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped

home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife

home,

when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only

$150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three

days

later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

2006-11-22 05:50:03 · 10 answers · asked by shady20001978 3

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me.
Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's
this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was
involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent
to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital,
then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I
don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree

2006-11-22 05:47:25 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Since bread is square, then why is most sandwich meat round?

Why do we have to "put our two cents in," but it's only a "penny for our thoughts"?

Why do we choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up 10 times every hour?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why do thaw and unthaw mean the same thing?

How can the weather be "hot as hell" one day and "cold as hell" another?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

2006-11-22 05:41:35 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was sick and tired of goingto work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man'swish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast forhis mate, awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, Drove them to school, came home andpicked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the checkbook.
He cleaned the cat's litter box andbathed the dog.

2006-11-22 05:38:18 · 20 answers · asked by ||| Romeo Boy ||| 4

I keep banging them on bushes and snagging them on branches", "well it was my first try" said God" but i will see what i can do," he reached down and took the middle breast away and threw it in the bushes.A week later He asked Eve if everything was now ok".Well God all the animals are in pairs and i am alone", "Give me a mate so i will not be lonely "Ok said God". I will see what i can do. Eve left and God reached down into the bushes and said to himself " "Now where did i put that useless Tit.

2006-11-22 05:28:08 · 16 answers · asked by chris w. 7

after 5 years the job still sucks...

2006-11-22 05:14:07 · 11 answers · asked by vicki f 2

" i am well.tell me big brothers Phill and Doug that the army is better than working on the farm, Tell them to get here bloody quick before all the jobs are gone,I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first because you dont hav to gett outta bed till 6 am But i like sleeping in now cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is mek ya bed and shine ya shoes and clean ya uniform, No bloody cows to milk calves to feed, no feed to stack-nothin, Ya haz gotta shave tho but its not so bad coss there's lots o hot water, At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like Mum used to make,Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with City boys turns out i'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like i'm the best the platoons got and iv'e only been beaten by 1 bloke and he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and 3 pick handles across the shoulders.I fought till they carried me off to the boozer,Tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.your loving daughter jane

2006-11-22 05:03:47 · 11 answers · asked by chris w. 7

'BEWARE'
New toy for christmas, a talking muslim doll.
Trouble is nobody knows what it says because no one dare pull the f**king cord!


(Im really, really sorry!) x

2006-11-22 05:02:14 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy 2 blackmail them by saying," I know the whole truth".
The boy decides 2 go home and try it out. He goes home,and as he is greeted by his mother he says,"I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says,"just don't tell your father".
Quite pleased the boy waits for his father to get home from work,and greets him with, " I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says," please don't say a word to your mother ."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day , when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying," I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says,"Then come give your father a big hug."

2006-11-22 04:56:47 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

some zing in the dingalin a ding dong?

2006-11-22 04:46:58 · 6 answers · asked by BrucieBoy 1